Isn't There Someone Out There I Am Keen For?

I want good love...
... I want it so bad.

My new anthem. I'd just love to be myself and be accepted, even by me. Why this constant WORRY? It's this horrible cycle in my brain that never allows me to be fully happy for more than a moment. When's the last time I was actually happy for longer than a week? [Oh yeah, ... last summer.]

Happiness... I hate that fucking word. Who cares? I just want to be respected unconditionally. I don't understand anything, in the end. In the end, I'm so confused. I feel as if someone has thrown everything I need to know into a big pile of rubbish and I must dig through it and sort it out. But I can't. Am I truly so behind everyone, or is there a peace to come later? I'm so tired of never quite feeling settled. It's driving me mad. Absolutely mad. It makes me want to cut again, to make the confusion and endless questions STOP. They never do. They run in my mind, and I'm only allowed a breath just before I break. I'm beginning to trust, absorb, deny, hate, and want everyone around me. Because I don't know them. I don't know their troubles and their issues, so they could just as well be fake. Could be dolls.

What is so warped with me? Why did I come out wrong from the personality factory? I can make friends, but it's so hard and I don't see why. I'm not an unpleasant person.

What sucks is that I desire the good. I truly do. I don't want to hurt anyone (unless they hurt me, in which case, they can go fuck themselves), I want to please people. But then I get hurt. I base my worth on others' reactions to my attempts to cheer them up. So what's the right approach?

I have plenty of good qualities. But holy FUCK, why is this so hard? I'm going mad. I really am. And there's no one I can talk to who will understand it. Possibly Ryan. Possibly Alison. This is some deep shit. ...

I'm tired of asking the same questions, answering them, and then failing somehow. Am I doomed to a life of this? If I am, tell me now and I'll end it. I find no beauty in this right now. I only see confusion, constant across the days. I need a break, and fast.

The depression (or just myself) doesn't even allow me to be proud of the good things I am doing. That's why I drink. To be happy, to just forget. The problem with drinking is that I need to be with someone, or else I'll hurt myself. I should be so proud right now. I just aced my interview that I was so worried about, I'm in college again and keeping up really well so far (one week down!!!!!)... What else is good? I have people I can call when I need help. Maybe not a lot, but a few, and there's genuine. Ryan is there for me, unconditionally. He's just a GOOD guy. Actually a good guy, unlike the last guy I thought was good. His only flaw? I don't know, maybe he's a bit silly.

I need to stop this madness before it swallows me whole. Quit it. Just be YOURSELF, and make no apologies. To anyone. Not to my parents, to my friends, to God, to myself, to my professors. Just BE YOURSELF. Talk up in class if you have something to say. Just shoot your hand up. Teachers love that. Seriously. Continue to work hard. If you end this semester with a 4.0, who can take your hard work away from you? You will grow up to be so smart, even your parents will fear you. You will grow up to be so beautiful, even young college girls will envy you. You will grow up to be so lovely, that everyone who sees your truth shine through will want to cling to you. And all in whose name? I don't know. I just want to be an instrument of love.