Spins Madly

The whole world is moving, and I am standing still.

I get it now. I get my game. Why I'm this way. It's like that song, "Alameda"... "Nobody broke your heart, you broke your own." I always feel a need to break my own heart before anybody can now. I'm so worried. I always slightly fall for any good guy I meet. It's inevitable! I feel like a lot of girls do this, though. I've pretty much pictured myself with every guy friend I've had. But then I find a way to deny it, to tell myself no. Because if I don't, I can get so lonely and sad. I've got to be hard on myself, or else I'll feel awful. The whole Gmo thing? This whole summer, since day one, has been trouble. I knew it when I first met him. I don't like him or anything, but I know if I wanted to I could go down a dumb path that I've been down so many times before with so many guys. I'm young. Why can't I be different in this sense? I can be over-the-top and I just hope people can still respect me in the morning, no matter how weird or desperate or odd I seem. That's up to them, I know, but I get so weird. And then I do things for fun but I end up hurting people. I guess I need to learn that you can't play with people... I love playing with people, but it's time to give that up. Or else, you're gonna have a hard time in life. Be straight up. I hope people can forgive me.

Wait. Let me be straight up now! Even to my own stupid blogspot I'm not honest!

I hope that Gmo and Jenna can forgive me. I probably come off as ill-intentioned and immature, and maybe I am. A lot of the times, I struggle with who I am fundamentally: what are my intentions? It's a horrible thing to struggle with, because it's like saying: am I evil or am I pure? Like that guy's tattoos. Do I want to be somebody that I'm not? I've always wanted to be that bad girl, the tough one that no one will mess this. It shows I get hyper. But I'm not her... am I? I'm shy, I'm nice, I'm quiet. Or what?

See you later... if I see you at all.

I feel like that sums it up. I need to learn to be stronger. So what if things don't end up perfect? Get over it and make it better. I feel like Gmo can teach me a lot, but he is trouble. Can't get any closer to someone like that and I know it. It doesn't matter anyhow. I just like the attention, but what I really need is the toughness. Someone to say, "Hey, you're wrong." That's why I'm best friends with Jenna. Because she's so different than me, she shows me another perspective. If I was friends with someone similar to me, I'd be going downhill fast. She's got my back, and she's such a cool person. She's cool being herself, and I hope to one day be like that. To all the people that just fan me with attention, nah. That's not where it's at. I'm sad I won't see Gmo these next 3 days, but he is just too complicated. Who knows what will happen. I don't like the feeling of liking anybody, even as a friend. It's too scary. I always like people at first, then something happens. I hate this time, because I know it's going to end. Then what?

Here's the basics of it. I don't want Gmo to think I'm a bad person for what I've done. I want to say sorry. I want to quit making these stupid mistakes and hurting people. I want to just be good. I want to be able to talk to him in the future when I need advice. I want a friend. But I want to balance, too. I don't know how to empower myself at ALL. I need to stop pulling people aside, because they will stop loving me. I need to let things go, let things be, let things happen. I feel like Gmo doesn't know when to drop a joke so much and neither do I. Who knows... we all have growing to do. I just like being involved, and maybe I am ill-intentioned, and that's why I don't always want good things. Punishment? As if I understood. Some nights I can barely stand myself. Other days, I'm OK. Tomorrow will be different and I will only have to endure a small portion of the day before I can talk to Jenna about it. Then this week will fly by, and then it'll be Friday or Saturday and I can tell him. I am a bad person sometimes... I love attention, and I need to learn to be more humble. I gotta be me, not some tough version of who I wish I was. Nor some sweet, innocent version of who I think I'm supposed to be. It's so hard, I'm finding, when we are raised with so much input. Do this, do that, be this, be that. But what do I think? Or do I even HAVE an opinion anymore? Who knows... It's 1 a.m. and I always have unanswered questions and unsaid things I need to say. I guess it's my punishment for being foolish and not seeing other people as having feelings. That's the thing I hate sometimes: I need to experiment and find out what's wrong, and sometimes people get hurt along the way. I am so dumb... It's okay, though. It's not really a big deal... I can let it go, because a week from now things will be really different. And like Noah and the Whale says in the iconic "First Days of Spring"... "I know in a year, it's gonna be better." Just you wait. Things do change.