You Can't Run, You Can't Hide

Siento que hay en mi algo esta cambiando.

This is that time when the evil in you can stop you from doing good. In all situations, I look at everything. At least, I try and try not to. I feel like this is the first time I'm actually so confused and saddened that I need to tell somebody. I don't know what to do. I hate this. I hate that it's going on ALL around me and I can't run from it or hide from it, but I don't know how to fight it yet. Or if I can. How am I going to do this? The problem is that it isn't my life. It's different ones. And I have so much doubt that I'm vying for attention or pretending, that it could stop me from doing what needs to be done. It weighs on me. I can't stand it. Why was I brought up with dollies and good things, and these girls lack? I wish I could hold on forever, because when I leave I won't know where they go. I guess after a while you learn to not get attached. But right now, I am. How can I let something bad happen to little girls who did nothing wrong? I know what I have to do, but it makes me just think about me. Who am I to do this? Who am I at all? Am I a good person, and what are my motives? I hate this. I really do. I never know what to say or how to put others in front of me.

I'm losing focus everyday. What am I doing at all?

It's been almost a month since I've cut. I've wanted to very badly at times.

It's been a year since I moved away to Notre Dame. How things have changed. It's better now because I see a better end, but there's so much to do! Real life. I have grown up a lot in these past 12 months. Learning to get my own shit together, meet deadlines, go out and do what must be done.

It's changing me. I used to be this girl that would blast Ben Folds CDs on beautifully warm spring nights, windows open, reading Shakespeare. I miss those nights. I miss everything feeling so far away from me, like I couldn't be touched by reality. I miss swinging in those chairs at Wesleyan nursing home with Gaby and Sarah. Hell, I miss the night Sarah was born, June 19, 2007, when the moon was a smile and I knew it was a sign. I miss thinking things were more important and frightening than they are. Now, I know things. Not enough, but I'm in between. I'm trying so hard these days, just to not try hard at all. What awfulness.

And now I need to think REALLY about other people. I mean REALLY. That's when I start to think I'm evil. Am I? Please tell me I'm not. I'm not... I am good, right? I don't want to be evil. Please.