Taylor Taylor

My salvation lies in your love.

You are 17. Tonight you found out that I want to die sometimes. I can never show you my arm now because you are alive and well and you need to keep being happy. I only show my arm to people I know are a bit fucked up already, who won't be affected. They've seen it before. That type of stuff. I swear it is a disease, and I swear that I love you Ryan, except when I talk to you. But other than that, I want the innocence turned sour, your bed, your hideous ears. Do you know my pain? I can't save anybody. Ryan. Lauren. Gaby. Sarah-Marie. Fatima. Erik. Now I know what Sophia said when she said that nice people get treated like shit. It's not really intentional, but they break their backs for the world because they're lonely and sad, they understand, and they've been mean before. I remember when I wrecklessly tore apart a boy's heart at South Dining Hall, and left when he started crying. How I talked endlessly of my love for somebody else, when he told me he could see himself falling in love with me. This boy who walked with me and met up with me and took care of me when I was drunk. This boy I feel nothing for, but I am sad that I was mean to him. I just did it to feel alive for a few minutes, but I was digging a hole, six foot. Now who has scars?

I heal faster now, though. My skin is learning what my mind is plotting, and it's telling me to stop, that it's useless. I love that about my body, it wants to stay living. It says, stop that! I want to stay awake, I want to feel good. Fuck if your mind is messing me up. If I had my say, you'd be fine and happy. It's absolutely the best friend I'll ever have. My body, that is. (My mind is my worst enemy, but that would go without saying.)

One year ago. I was in Indiana, it was cold. I had lots of Asian friends and I was still feeling all right. I was worried sick about Zach and why he never talked to me. I walked with Robin a lot. I stopped feeling okay in January. I haven't really felt okay since. A year of that? Wow. I felt okay this summer. Why? I'd like to feel that way again, god. Can you do that for me for Christmas?

Ryan was there for me. Ian was there for me. RJ was there for me. Jenna was there for me. I should try this: For everytime someone does something good for you, don't pay it forward. Just go one more week without cutting. So here's the tally:

That time Ryan drove me home.
That time Ian talked to me on the phone for an hour and invited me over.
That time RJ let me use his shower, sleep in his dorm room, cheered me up.
Those times people at my job were good to me.
That time that lady let me use the restroom in Big Top Candy Shop.

That's 5 weeks. That's kinda difficult and unrealistic. Okay, we'll start with days. 5 days, no cutting. No self harm. I don't understand it now, but I have the feeling that self harm is very very very very bad. Worse than I perceive it to be.

Remember when we sat in your bed and listened to John Butler's "Ocean"? I miss you. I saw you on Tuesday and now it's Friday but god damn it I miss you. I will see you on Tuesday but please see me before. Why do I love you, or like you, or actually I don't feel any of those things towards you? I just want to see you. I am so tired of this. So so so so so so so so so so so so tired. Why. Why. Why. WHY. I WAITED FOR 5 YEARS. That is one fourth of my life. DO YOU SEE THE TIME I AM IN NOW? DO YOU? DO YOU? I TAKE HINTS, I IGNORE. I need to feel what I want. I'm 19 and I'm TIRED.