Alexi Murdoch

I had a dream I stood beneath an orange sky.

So I've decided a good thing, I think. I always forget what I want to say in therapy and I feel like sometimes the sessions are unproductive because of that and because I rarely remember what my therapist says! So I'll try to write some things down.

She said to look at my relationship with Chris as more of me as the older sibling. Don't expect him to "big brother" me. He needs my support. But I need to keep myself a bit distanced, until I can trust him. I hope I can one day. It'd be cool to have a brother, after 20 years.

It's funny how sometimes this whole other person takes control of me. This bitch. She is filled with self-hatred, depression, confusion, selfishness. When she comes out, I love it though. Because I'm ridding myself of her, and it's very self-indulgent, so I enjoy it. Anyways, I'm going to sleep SO well tomorrow. I don't have to be up until 12pm. YESSSS. I like the feeling that I earn my relaxation. I go to work, work is hectic, my feet get tired, my brain gets tired, I try my hand at socializing, I'm learning new stuff, then when I get off work and I take the first few drags of my cigarette, with my free drink, I feel like a goddess, because I made it through another day. I'm proving to myself that I can do it. I can do whatever I want to.

I think at work people get annoyed that I'm so quiet. I do need to learn to be louder. I guess it's truly better to ask forgiveness than permission. So sleepy. I feel like today didn't happen. Oh, Starbucks. How you train me. I'm gonna have to learn a lot about people skills, small talk, being louder, stuff I'm not used to. It makes me feel to good to think maybe one day I will be a pro at these.

So here's the reason I wrote this. I don't want to push the past away anymore. ever.