Remember those days?

You will shelter me, and I will shelter you.

I remember how crazy fabulous those nights were on your balcony, seeing the fire from your neighbor's house, playing songs in the cold. It was perfect, because we were in something like love. It really never mattered what we were doing, just being near each other was enough. It's crazy how crazy I was about you. I mean, I was head over heels for you. Insane. I woulda cut off my left arm to see you for a few minutes. I don't think I loved you. I wish there was a word for the inbetween of like and love. Loke... Live... ...? I lived you. So, so, so, so much. More than anybody, ever. It makes me scared to ever be truly in love, because I believe that will tear me apart, make me go absolutely mad, and then stitch me back together in some way. Being truly in love seems terrifying and seems that if it's not, something's wrong. I can't wait... I love new experiences. Right now in my life, I feel kinda shitty because I'm not getting any new [drug] experiences, but I am doing a lot of other stuff. FOR EXAMPLE. I am in community college. Hollaaaa. First time back in the public school system since '05. I'm coming out of a 6 year friendship that, although seemingly positive, seriously hurt my self esteem and kinda left me fucked socially. I gotta learn... Maybe it'll take another 6 to recover, so I'll be fine when I'm 25? I made a deal with myself: STAY ALIVE TO 21!!! DO IT. It's arbitrary, but I gotta do it.

I honestly don't know how all this self-hate got into my heart. It's scary, because sometimes it feels like there's another person living in there, one who just wants to mutilate this body and soul into millions of little pieces and bury them in the ground, choking on the dirt. She's a witch, I can see her. She's dressed in black, and seems to only wanna come out at night. She's got warts and an ugly face, turned screwy by hate. She feeds on the hate, pushes it out sometimes. I see her... It's my dark side. And when she first comes out, I feel overwhelmed, like I need a spirit in the sky to come down and pull me out of it. I look to the heavens and whisper, "Won't you just come down here and help me?" Nothing ever does.