Charity Case

I'm still in love with you on this harvest moon.

I am tired of charity. It angers me. Ryan, you anger me with your "charity" to your friend. It is fucking wrong, it is sick in the worst sense of the word. I hate when people do that. I mean, pure hate. And if I understand one thing, it's hatred. I was a charity case for 5 years, and this is so trite, but it absolutely fucked me over and I almost want to call her up and bitch her out again, all this anger I feel. Horrible anger and regret, leaving me as I am now. For so, so, so, so long I thought I was second-rate to the world. I thought I was wrong, flawed, that I could never be right. Why did you try so hard to change me? Don't you realize the pain you've caused? How hurtful these seemingly good things can be? You are so absolutely naive, you have all your excuses and backup plans, because you're confident. That's it. I've always been right on SO many things, but I've shoved my hope down because other people were more forward and loud than me. Now I have these walls, dozens of visible scars on my left arm. Suicidal ideation. It's part of the package. Part of who I am. WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? 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Fucking everything and everyone is going to break my heart. Getting close to people means getting hurt. You knew that when you entered into that friendship, and it was true. You got hurt. He breaks your heart a little each day, because you like it broken. I am still struggling with so much that it's almost impossible to believe I will one day be okay. Then there's days full of hope and goodness. So why do I cry in the car so much, by myself, every week? Why do I always smoke some cigarettes alone? I don't want to know anything about her. I don't want to know what she looks like, about her personality, and I never want to meet her. I want so bad to be good. God please. Why am I literally never enough? Why does life validate these thoughts I have? I am nearly dissociation, nearly psychosis. I see the witch in the night lights. Her laughter in my lung, keeping your arms around me, needing to push you away because you're too beautiful. I told you to run, and that doesn't hurt you. You just say that to seem like a better person. I can see through all your little tricks. I see through you like a window. You think masochism is your biggest problem, but it's not. My lord, I see who you are and it is the farthest thing from perfect. There are some things in you that you don't even see are completely fucked up. I see them. I don't want to ever help you or change you or hurt you or anything. I just want you to remember my name some day when you're older, remember me as crazy, psychotic, but somehow special and beautiful. I'll remember you that way, friend.