Fineshrine

Cut open my sternum and pull my little ribs around you.

Hey you. Yeah, you there. I kinda just want to spend some time with you. You say you enjoy spending time with me... So why don't we do something mutually enjoyable. Like spend some time together. How's it sound? I just don't get some people. In my head I'm trying to remember all the advice I've been given (here's how hyper-self aware I am) and the places I've been, the lack of things I seen. It's all telling me: "If someone wants to be your friend, they'll just text you. They'll take the time to talk to you. Etc. etc. And hey! Do what you want. Life is super short. Like Mike's show."

Fuck myself.

What?

I realized absolutely nothing today. I had hoped to smoke some shit, but those plans fell. Oh-fucking-well. It's probably for the best, as I start my new job tomorrow. I am ridiculously nervous. Kinda. I'm just gonna have to go with the flow and adapt. I can do it. No baby wheels. JFDI. Okay yeah I'm slightly sad. I really don't understand how fluoxetine works. What is it really doing to my brain? Does anyone know? I think those cigarettes are rewiring my reward system. Awesome, my mom tried to do the same thing! Yeah!

What am I doing? I have no one to talk to. Actually, I do have friends. Shall we count them? Okay, cool. Then we'll fucking analyze them apart because I hate myself and do this to myself.

Ryan. I love that kid. He's just himself. Yes, sometimes he does get caught up in girlfriends, and he almost never texts me first, but I'm welcome at his place always and I know he's got my back. If I needed a place to stay, it'd be his. He's always got my back, and I love that about him. He's a good guy.

Taylor. She annoys me sometimes to the nth degree, but she is a good person. I can count on her, and she doesn't get upset with me. She's chill, pretty much down for anything.

Lauren. I don't get her. She's unreliable, depressed, etc, etc. But I do love her because she's beautiful and fun. I like to get into trouble with her, if we do.

Cat. She annoys me a LOT as well sometimes, but I'm discovering that she's actually cool and really coming into herself. She's really supportive, even though she's going through a hard time right now. I pray for her.

Ryan (new one). FUCKING TEXT ME BOY!

Cella. Super sweet. I like her, although sometimes I can't hang with her for a long time.

Zack. He is awesome, 'nuff said. But he needs to hang out with me more.

Jenna. Is she my friend? I hope so. Maybe. We'll see with time.

I'm sure there's others. Whatever, my friends are cool. They just don't really talk to me... Heh.

Hopefully I'll meet some cool folks at my new job. Whatever, just text me person. You know who you are. Listen, I don't wanna ruin your life. I don't wanna stress you out. I just wanna hang out maybe a few times a week, chill out, watch some movies, maybe take some shots, talk about the universe and what makes us humans and how we come from stars, and then maybe sometimes do something, drive fast or go somewhere and smoke cigarettes and throw them at the rocks, watch them fizzle out on the street at 3 am. Does that sound like something you'd enjoy? Let me know. If not, okay. But I won't play games with you. No, I'm done with that shit. Holding it in for a year, for 5 years. Here we go, here comes me being myself, without regrets or apologies. The scary thing is that this is what I have always wanted so desperately. Now, I'm in control of my life completely. It's frightening and liberating. It's like pushing a domino and watching the rest fall. Because I'm controlling what I'm doing, but now my surroundings? They will react to that power, and that's real life right there. I am free, but utterly afraid of what's going to happen now.

I know when I hang out with Zach on Saturday he's going to talk about people I went to high school with and I'm really not going to give a fuck. But he's a cool kid. Obviously he wanted to hang out with me. That's kinda cool. I wanna do something awesome, like go to that house or fuck around and I'll smoke some cigarettes.... But he has asthma, is that rude?

As for Ryan, we only have a month left to really hang out. Why doesn't he see this and take action? Should I just shit myself for the next month. No, I'm going to do what I want. I'm a new person who DOES SHIT. So tomorrow after class, I'm going to ask him about his schedule and if he acts weird, I'm just going to straight up ask if something changed, because I don't really want anything out of him than to just spend some time together like, y'know, friends do. That'd be really fucking awesome. Whatever. Ugh. Why. Why. Why am I a human?