Growing up in Catholic school, I was taught sex was this big sacred amazing thing you could never do unless you were married. No one taught me about it growing up. I learned about it from movies, books, porn, and friends. I didn't know that much about it until I was probably around 17 or 18. It's weird, sex. I remember the first time I learned masturbating was a "sin." I think I was 12, so I must have been in 7th grade. It was in my religion class, and we were learning about sexual morality, blah blah, and we were taking turns reading the book out loud in class. Of course I got picked to read the paragraph about masturbation and I was so embarrassed just because I was 12. I remember crying after I read that, because I didn't know doing that to yourself was so bad and that now I had to go to confession and say I did that. I didn't know. I didn't know what it was. But I knew I was guilty now, dirty. For years I felt so ashamed and disgusting. I felt like there was something wrong with me. I didn't have any sources telling me otherwise because all my friends were Catholic, my family was Catholic, I went to Mass every Sunday, and they would all say the same things. It was a world I was immersed in. I was too embarrassed to say to a priest, "Forgive me Father, for I masturbated." I mean, seriously? You think a 12 year old is going to have enough guts to say that? ... No. So I couldn't say it for many, many years. Then, when I was 19, I changed my outlook. I fooled around a very tiny bit with an older man (although the term "man" is being applied generously here; he is quite immature), and my friend was shocked. She said my morals were flying out the windows, to which I laughed. Having sex with your boyfriend isn't evil. Masturbation isn't sinful. You what is bad though? Feeling like shit for 7 years because the little world around you has convinced you that there's one right way to be, and you are not it. That, my friends, is a sin. Needless to say I am just starting to terms with my sexuality and its beauty. I'm a virgin, which is fine. I would like to be not-a-virgin, but I'm not hopping into rando's beds. I want my first time to be quite lovely. But I'm not as scared or ashamed as I once was.
And then there's you. I think about loving you sometimes. It's nice in my head. I know what you like already, I know what works, so I'd do that and more. I'd go beyond what I couldn't in the past. Like many R&B songs say, I think of many nasty things to do to you. Haha. Well, they're not really nasty like gross or anything weird like that. I just think about how it would feel to be touching the nice skin on your back, kiss your shoulders (I like your shoulders), bite you, kiss you anywhere, make you very nervous and excited and animal. I've had those thoughts for months, so I wonder if it'll ever happen. I don't know. I think about you carrying me, tossing me onto your bed like a little doll, then taking control. I'd like that. I've never had thoughts quite like this before. They can get lonesome because I don't know if you think this way, too. You told me you didn't, but sometimes I see you glancing down at my body when I wear cute dresses. Maybe you do, but I don't think so. If there was a way to know we could keep our friendship and I could lose my virginity, I'd do that in a heartbeat. Seriously, like now. But our friendship means too much to lose it without that guarantee. It scares me, not the sex or being close to you or if it would hurt, but only if it would make you not be my friend.
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