Pitseleh

Everything I like's a little bit sweeter, a little bit fatter, a little bit harmful.

Pitseleh,

Never be like me. I am obsessed with the idea of being good. So obsessed that I forget to be good. I want so badly to be this person that changes things, the things I see but don't like. But at the same time, I've lived my ENTIRE life in fear of rejection. That's how I live and it is horrible. I expect everyone to walk out on me at any given moment. Even with their word, it's always nagging in the back of my mind, that they're gonna abandon me if I do a certain thing wrong. I think to myself, "Be careful. This will be the last straw, and then they'll be gone. You can't mess this up." Can I tell you that this is literally the worst feeling to have, long term, in the whole world? It's a gripping fear that ruins every relationship you have. It especially sucks with closer relationships. Like in my relationship with Zach, I *always* thought he was going to leave me. I loved him a lot, but I was always afraid. With Guillermo, he would make me worried, saying stuff like, "I don't know if we can be friends," like every day. It was stupid, and manipulative. It's pretty disgusting. If anyone treats you like that, drop them. You are worth so much more than someone who keep saying they don't really wanna be your friend. Real friends will be there for you and won't hold the friendship over your head like some prize you have to win. Real friends will share in good moments with you; it's about give and take. I'm probably not the best person to ask, though. So far, I haven't really had that many friends. I dunno. I'm getting down on myself today, little one, because I work too much. I work 25 hours a week, usually terrible hours like waking up at 4 am, going to bed super late because my sleep is fucked up, and by the end of the weekend I feel like a zombie. I love work because (some of) my coworkers are amazing people, but it is constant movement, constant work, constant interaction, constant stress. It's like 25 hours of midterms crammed together. Then come Monday, surprise surprise, I did none of my weekend homework. I sleep in late on Monday and miss my biology discussion, or I drive into UT and miss it, or something. Mondays I'm dead. Tuesdays, I start freaking out about all the stuff I need to get done and didn't. Tuesdays suck for that reason. Also, I get lonely on Tuesdays and I don't know why really. I like my classes, I just get really lonely at night and feel like going home. Sometimes I do. :-) Why not? Maybe I can make Tuesdays my "explore Austin" days. I don't know. Pitseleh, I don't regret my choices but right now is a bit of a dull time. I have a few friends: Katie (who I sosososo want to visit!), Ryan, Taylor, Dulce (my roommate...?), Siri?, my coworkers?, Cella, Zack, RJ, don't really really know who else. My dogs? Heh. Whatever. I'm just trying my best, working my ass off, trying to keep up with classes, seeing friends. I just don't know. I get lonely here because I don't really know anyone. I don't have a group of friends. I did once, at Notre Dame, and I didn't like it. Maybe I'm just not a "group" kinda person. I'm more like a 2-3 people person, or whatever. I'm an introvert! But anyways, today was tough, I was hating on myself because I put off so much stuff. I fell asleep last night at 9:30 pm while studying for Bio and woke up at 9 am, almost late for Statistics. I hadn't been to class in like 2 weeks so I was so lost. Then my bio test went *okay* but I was frustrated because I enjoy that class and feel like I could have done so much better. Like, I'm finally realizing that I really am smart. In high school, I thought I was stupid but I worked REALLY hard and got good grades. Now, I'm realizing that I actually am pretty smart, but I'm so tired of putting in the effort. It's frustrating because I love learning, I just hate studying. I've changed so much. But I'm still finding my way, Pitseleh. Can I call you Sel, Seleh, Leh? I like Leh. Yes, I'm finding my way. Growing up is extremely painful. You'll go through some shitty year where you feel like you'll never really smile or laugh or have fun again. I rarely laugh, but when I actually really laugh a true laugh, it feels so beautiful, like love. It makes me appreciate it. I feel like I get good graces in small ways, and I appreciate them. I love my friends dearly, the ones who have seen me through hard times and crying. I love my coworkers. I love my family, although some of them can annoy me and honestly I don't like my brother. With all these things in my life, it's hard to focus sometimes. I've got all these people, and then classwork to do, then I have to go to work on time or Katie will behead me. And that's my life right now, love. It will and has changed over time. Don't get stuck in a time, there's more to be learned. I just was so upset today about how I really don't have anyone here, and I walk around all alone all the time, and how I just want to pour out love to every little human I see on Speedway or whatever. How I wish I could read all the papers, know everything, be intelligent, be graceful, be assertive enough to actually lose my virginity. I was raised meek. I will not raise you to be meek. You will have a voice, and you will know when to use it. My parents didn't do a bad job with me, I just wish some things were different. I have a weird relationship with my parents. I see my dad as a cool guy to talk to and whatnot, well intentioned, and my mom is a good person who can say horribly mean things (like calling me a slut, stupid, stuff like that) but I think they did try their best. It probably wasn't easy to raise me partially after Chris. Things will fuck you over, Pitseleh. Things that come before you and are out of your control. The past can be your present at times. Please realize these little things. It may not do anything for you in the short term, but in the long run, you will be powerful. I'm trying more and more to be powerful. It's really hard. I love you, did you know that? I won't tell you all the time, but I will tell you. I love you now, even as you don't exist, you are somewhere in the future. I love you so much. I don't know what I'm going to do until you're here. I feel like I can't go through life alone. I need you, and I need people who love me. They're here, but I'm blind sometimes. I always want the past, or a better future, but it's the hardest pill to swallow, saying where I am is good. What is wrong with me? I think I will never be satisfied, but it feels like dying to admit that this is good enough. It truly feels like a part of my heart withering away. It's always an internal battle: do I be good? Bad? I want to be good but I want to do bad things. It seems like I can never do what I want, I'm just not like that. It makes me honestly hate myself sometimes. I start to hate myself. A lot. Self-hate is ugly, and now it's stuck on my arms. My dad said I could get plastic surgery, but I dunno. I like my scars. I just wished other people did, too. I can't really show them to anyone but Ryan. I feel comfortable with my jacket off. I feel okay, like someone's friend, like a human. I feel like a freak covering myself up all the time. I'm so mad tonight, Pitseleh. I'm so, so, mad and it's beautiful. I don't know what to do with this emotion. I feel like it has a purpose. I will call Ryan later. I love you terribly, and you will get through everything just fine.

Yesterday I bought a lighter from a cashier at CVS and he said I'm going to start saying I'm old when I turn 21. I said I already feel old at 19. Then he told me that  I'm still so young, and life is gonna be so good to me. Those words were blessed, and I'm an atheist.