Finally, a Place to Be

While my mother waters plants, my father loads his gun.
He says, "Death will bring us back to God, just like the setting sun is returned to the lonely ocean."

University can be really hard at times. Sometimes, I just wake up with that feeling like, "Today is going to be terrible. I just want to lay in bed and close my eyes and waste it away staring at the backs of my eyelids. I do not want to talk. I do not want to socialise. I do not want to move. I just want today to be over, now."
Then there's times when I have so much work and I can't even imagine getting it all done. Times when I feel so left out. Times when I feel like I have no one (except Robin, haha). Times when I miss my mom so much, and I regret not getting to know her better when I was at home. Times when I miss my dad, and I miss sitting down after dinner, taking our "15" (more like an hour) and watching a war movie. Times when I can't stop thinking about Zach and how much I love him, and how things couldn't work out, and I think I'll never be about to focus. Times when I'm walking across campus and I feel like everyone's looking at me... in a bad way. Times when I want to drop out and go to New York and become an artist or something crazy. Or run away to Maine. Or just drop off the face of the Earth and have no one to love, no one to worry about, nothing to do.
But I know through all the awkwardness and confusion and worry and nostalgia, something implicit is happening to me. Every time I cry or feel left out or work through my readings when I feel like crap, something is happening inside of me. I know it. Remember who I was at the beginning of high school? I was so different. I was an attention whore, and I treated my boyfriend like crap. I treated my parents like crap, too. I was so immature! I'm still immature, but I'm growing. It's nice to know I'm headed somewhere, at least in my own personal self.
I'm excited about running! After running the 10K Holy Half (less than a month!), I want to run something in the 8-11 mile range (maybe even a half marathon this summer--if I'm ready!), and then work on getting faster. I'm quite slow, but I can run longer than I ever thought I'd be able to. I remember when Coach Hausmann would say, "Okay girls, run 3 miles" and it would sound like SO MUCH! Now that would be a welcome short run break from my usual 5-7 mile runs. Today I ran the Holy Half course. It was great! It even went a little off campus... I felt so *bold*, running off campus by the cars and streets of South Bend! I can't wait to explore the other running trails (though limited...) around South Bend. It'll help me get accustomed to the town before I move off campus. It won't be too long from now... I'm almost a sophomore. Woah! Cool! It'll be fun to explore some new trails, too. Not that I'm sick of the lakes yet. Running around the lakes is beautiful, but there's SO MUCH MUD! And worse, it's an odd ice/mud/water mixture, so when it got in my shoes, my toes were cold and dirty and wet. Bad combination. And it was unavoidable. I'm pretty sure my running shoes are going to be wrecked my March 23... Oh well. I don't know where else I can get nice Asics like the ones I have. Hm. I am so lacking in running supplies. I'm just a newbie! It's fun but frustrating. Also, when I go to San Diego and San Francisco, I wanna find cool running places. Like running on the beach in San Diego! Oh so nice.
Well okay, time to watch something on Netflix and go sleepy bye! Tomorrow will be busy...