If I Know Only One Thing

It's that everything that I see in the world outside is so inconceivable often I barely can speak.

Fuck. It's all so true. What am I even waiting for now? When I get back for the summer, will it be the same? Can I make it the same? It sucks to know that one of the only things I've ever cared about may just not work out. I can't erase the fact that I love him. It's useless. So I'll have to accept it. Yeah, I love him. Now what? What do I even do with that? Everything would be just fine if he would wait until summer. If he could just wait for me to come home, I'll be there in 3 months. I'll come see him, and we'll spend some days together and laugh again like old times. We'll get into trouble like old times, have adventures and make fun of everything popular together. We'll talk for hours on the phone, we'll tell each other how our days are going, and about the run we went on in the morning, about naps we take, yoga lessons we go to, stupid things that make up lazy summer days. We'll talk everyday, because we want to, and because we can. We'll hear each other's stories and drive around town with the windows down, messy hair. We'll go dancing. We'll anticipate and worry and love and cure and smile. We'll be amazed at how our lives are. You see, I'm still at that point. I still want all of that, and I want it with you. No one else will do. I wish I could forget you, for both of our sakes. You deserve freedom and clarity, and I deserve peace and stability. But can't you see? I can see it. I can see that no one is like you, no matter where I go. No one does to me what you do. No one... No one can replace the things we've done, the talks we've had, the brief but wonderful history we've had. Sometimes I wish someone closer, older, more possible would swoop down and take your place. George won't do. He just won't. I want someone just like you. Someone I can be in love with. Why can't you be in love with me? I know right now is a horrible time, considering I'm literally 1,000 miles away from you. I'm in a different time zone. I am in college, you are in high school. You're so young, and I'm trying to figure out my life. But the core of you and the core of me; those fit together so well. When we talk, I know it. I've never been more sure of anything... That you're for me. Maybe I'm not for you? The more you push away, the more I want you. I could make you happy. I am a good person when I'm around you. I make friends and I feel hopeful and happy and like doing new things. I feel like I'm full of life. I feel like I can care about someone and love... I feel fine! I feel like dancing! We have such wonderful times. I just want to tell everyone about us. I'm so excited about you. It's been almost a year and I'm still head over heels for you, just as much as I was in the beginning. It hasn't lost its luster. So I've decided the only thing I can do is to make you love me as best I can. I can't give you up. If you tell me to, oh well, okay. I'd leave you be. But I'll be good to you, I'll be your friend and all, but I'll make you love me! I don't know how, but damn it I'll do my best. I feel like such a boy.

Why don't you love me!!

So I found out today that that guy's name in my Psych class is Richard Hamilton. He looks just like Sufjan Stevens and he's adorable. I want to be his friend. I asked George to become his friend so he can become mine. Yes, I am using George. No, I don't care. I hate who I am when I'm with George. I become this cold, talkative, calculating thing. I hate it. I am different with different people. I think new sides of me come out. With Zach, I'm warm, somewhat mean, friendly, laughing, sarcastic, adventurous, helpful, caring, loving. With George, I become the opposite. I really don't like him. Poor kid. I wonder if Zach think I'm annoying and weird. That's why I'm giving him his space. If he wants to be friends with me, he will. He'll come to me. He did it before, and if he wants, he'll do it again. I'm just so impatient! I need to remind myself of what I'm doing. I'm not giving him up, I'm just gauging his interest. So I'm playing games? Not really. I'm just curious. Let's see if I can do this.

Warning to self: I will get sad. I will want to talk to him. Just don't do it! Try this for the rest of this week and for next week. We'll do weekly check points. This week? Minimal texting, but still some. None Sunday (long,long talk the day before)... Some Monday and Yesterday, don't know yet for today. We'll see how that goes. We'll see if he calls.

Hmm this is so interesting! Yay! :-)

My life has become more complicated. That's why I should have focused on homework.