Peaceful Alone

Pretty soon you'll find it's the only little part of your life that you're keeping together.

So yeah. I am gaining some insight on how it feels to be Zach and George. Why? Well, if I feel for Zach what George could feel for me (which I doubt it, because I have the unlucky fortune of being headoverheels, whatever they call it), then I know how it sucks to be interested in someone who is not in you. It really, really does.

And then I know how Zach could feel, having someone interested in you and not being into them. Yeah. I could never be with George. It's harsh, but I just don't see him like I see Zach. He doesn't fascinate me, he doesn't engage me, he doesn't make me want to get in my Honda Accord and speed around the countryside at 80 miles per hour, blasting Sweet Disposition. He doesn't make me want to drive across town to see him. He doesn't make me dream about him and think about him. He just doesn't. He's just himself. Whatever, you know? It's weird how you just cannot force yourself to love someone. You can't! If I was with George, I know I'd be unhappy. Maybe I'd even be unhappy with Zach, because I'd know he doesn't love me in  the same way. I'd always have that doubt, and the pain that I'm holding him back from doing what he wants. I feel like I'm in some sort of a fucked up sandwich. But it is helping me gain insight, and I'm thankful to George for that. He may not know it, but what he's doing is actually helping in the oddest way possible. I never imagined this.

It's funny because with Zach, I remember all of our first long talks we had. They were so exciting. But with George it's like, yeah whatever, just like with Robin. Nothing special. Probably even worse than with Robin, because at least with her it's pretty fun you know? She's my first real best friend, so it's really fun and all. But nope. It's just not happening with George. Maybe if he started playing guitar, writing songs, singing better, running long distances, got green eyes and blonde hair and taller and muscles and less dramatic and more dramatic in a quieter way and calmer and less funny and more funny in a dark way... Basically, if he became Zach, then I'd go with him.

Sad, isn't it?