What are You Trying to Prove? Who are You Trying to Prove it to?

I should have nailed you down.
Now you're on that cloud.

I wish I could forget. It's only been two months. That's nothing, right? It feels like it's been so long.  I miss being your friend. Here's what I would say to you if I could:
Dear you,
You need to make a choice. You can either have me in your life, or you can't. But there can't be an inbetween. So let me know. If you let me stay, I would be good. Right now, I don't feel like being good. I don't feel like saying, "Thanks" to the ladies in the cafeteria. No, instead, I'm going to go out and get drunk on weekends and bury my head in books and tell myself that everyone I see is a goddamn idiot who deserves to die. Right now, I hate the world sometimes. I do. It's sad how it always comes back to that, but just let me hate the world. It's nice sometimes to do that, because its so easy for me. I can't be mad at you because you didn't do anything bad, but sometimes I really am. Sometimes I feel like asking you if you enjoyed pushing me away. What were you doing, were you leading me on? You made me believe you felt something for me, and then you tell me it's gone and you just don't think it's possible. No, I know you didn't lead me on. You were just feeling it then. But how come you can stop and I can't? Why do I still love you? I want to stop loving you, because I don't love anyone else. Everyone else I see is so ugly, so disgusting, so awful. I know you couldn't always see it, but I think you're so beautiful. It makes me sad, because I tried so hard to be good to you. I tried so hard to never hurt you and to give you space and stretch myself so that you could be happy. And I was happy just to make you happy and see you happy. I want to be the one to make you happy. Why won't you just let me? No, instead you like to push me away. You like to not talk to me, you like to leave me be. Don't you know how much I miss you? Don't you see how hard it is for me? I cry a lot about it. I think about you everyday. And it's awful. I wish I could go one day without missing you. And I bet you're back there, and I bet you don't even care. I bet you've forgotten all about me, that stupid girl who loved you. Just as well, right? I'll be coming home in two months, and then what? Are you going to ignore me? Because I'm sure as hell not going to chase after you. I'm tired of doing that. Maybe you just like pushing people out of your life. I don't get it. Why would you do that to me? So I guess what's left for me is to just drink it away from time to time, trudge through my days, going on and hating where I've ended up. I've always thought life was a pretty awful thing, but I guess meeting you made me like it a bit more. Knowing I could spend some time with a guy like you made me happy to be in this world. Now I don't know. Nothing else is doing that for me. I hope you're fine.
-Bianca

Yeah, right.