Still Here Hey

I wanna free fall, out into nothing.
I'm gonna leave this world for a while.

Robin is sleeping maybe. She's probably wondering what I'm doing. She probably knows what I'm doing because she knows me well. She'll probably even read this one day. If you are, hey Robin this is referring to the night before the Holy Half when we stayed up late talking with George then just us.

When does the Nyquil kick in? I took a lot of medicine... Some decongesents, some cough syrup, some Nyquil, lots of cough drops. And my throat still hurts like hell. In fact, it hurts more. It feels like all my symptoms got concentrated into my throat. My nose isn't running, I'm not coughing as much, no headache or earaches, no fever (that I know of)... but OW my throat. Pain. On one hand, I really just want to be healthy again. I almost missed my Soc Psych test today. And I want to be able to go out and have fun without being tired and sick-y and stuff. But then again, being sick is a good distraction from any bigger problems. Which I'm sure are there, lurking, but whatever. I'm going into that mode again. Where I just learn to deal with it with defense mechanisms. I just become more cynical and lose faith that anything too good can happen to me and just accept the fact that life's going to be mediocre for a while. I don't think there's anything wrong with it. It's all just phases. I don't know... I just guess I'm trying to stop caring. I don't want to care anymore. So much effort... Like, having to have these problems and stuff... Why can't I just be a nice person, go to Mass, do my work, whatever, and ignore my problems? There's only a week left in this month. Almost done. Then another month of school. Then I'm done!

I have no regard for anyone, really. I used to really really care about Zach. Now I'm just scared to care about him. I'm scared that he'll let me down because I expect too much. That's when it's best to just expect nothing. I'm not even going to try to visit him at school or anything. I love him, yeah, but it's too complicated right now. I'm still figuring out so much. So is he. I miss who I was around him: easy to make friends, nice, sweet, good. Here at college, although I am nice to strangers, I'm just indifferent. I just want to get through the weeks, do my best, get drunk on weekends, and repeat. It doesn't feel bad, really. It doesn't feel like anything. I don't know. I am so mean to George. Maybe it's a challenge for me. To try and be nice to him. I don't understand this. Do I wish for different things sometimes? Yeah. I guess I wish I was still in a big group again. I wish I had a sense of humour too. It would help. But I can't help that I don't find many things funny!

So I should make a what do I REALLY want list. Hmm.
1) Still, why Susan did that.
2) Just to be warm with Jenna.
3) For things to be like they were with Zach when I could talk on the phone with him for 3 hours.
4) For it to be the future.
5) To talk to my mom.
6) For someone to understand me... again...?
7) To be more like Bruce.

Yup! But what I want most of all is for there NOT to be homework for me to do tomorrow. I don't even want to think about it. Especially Writing and Rhetoric. I can handle Psych. At least I like Psych. But W&R... I hate it! Am I getting drowsy? Maybe the Nyquil is kicking in. I wish I had alcohol right now. Don't you?