I Wish the World Really Had Ended on Friday December 21, 2012

In time, you will fade away. 
But time takes time, you know.

I'm not clever anymore. I'm not creative. I need
-Some paint
-Some time
-A new personality
-To stop basing my self-worth on whether I think people like me.
-Because face it, self, you will never truly think people like you until you like yourself until to think they like you and at that point, you won't even need their approval!

That's what I like about Colleen. She doesn't really seem to need to prove herself to be a cool chick to people she meets. She's just herself, and she doesn't seem to need to build that base that I do. I wish I could just be myself with everyone (AKA Not Be Shy) but I don't know why it's so hard. It's hard even to image that people could feel differently than I do. I'm fucking awesome when I let myself be, so why don't I? Why do I keep thinking I'm not fucking awesome? I know I am... At least I have been in the past. Who knows... It's all so confusing. I already know the first think I'm going to paint when I get my hands on some acrylics. It's gonna be a black girl with pretty brown skin and a red turtle neck with an orange back ground and her eyes will look so beautiful and real [I spend the most time on the eyes... I just love eyes, who doesn't?] and she'll look neutral/worried/pretty/she knows she's all of these but doesn't care. She'll be steady and gorgeous. Cartoon-ish, not a caricature. Fuck I want so much. I'm so materialistic sometimes, for as much as I say I'm not. I want a curling iron [yeah but when I curl my hair I always get pissed off at the end and end up straightening it and it looks creepy and frizzy] and to put make-up on in the mornings. Fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk!kkkkkk. Fuc!k!k!k!k!k!k!K! That's fun. Okay now I'm just procrastinating. But seriously! Self, stop worrying. Just be yourself (BE AWESOME!).