I Won't Relapse

Oh, please just last.

I miss my boss. He was a positive driving force in the team, and now that he's gone, I'm worried. You know, when I meet people I always think a while down the road of that old line everyone seems to say on television. When some kid dies of cancer or something, people always say, "He was the kind of person who lit up the room when he walked into it." It's said so much I almost don't believe it. But when I meet people, I think, "Is this person like that?" My boss was. There's a lot of negativity now, and honestly I'm afraid. I should write a letter to Jenna. I'm scared because Andrea has been acting funny and I'm not strong enough now to help her... Jimmy is just so negative and weird, he's dealing with something I know it but I don't like how he handles it, it is destructive to me personally... Eric is just neutral and won't ever do anything drastic... Jenna is my only hope here. And myself. There's so much I want to be. Gmo was right... He was so right. Do I believe I can get better? Or am I so stubborn with MYSELF that I am setting myself up for failure, telling myself internally that I'm probably going to relapse, drink, cut,... Gmo is right... One day, I will cut too deep, I'll cut a nerve or a tendon and I won't be able to play guitar or piano anymore. I'll cut an artery and I'll be dead, or close. Even if I don't mean to die, I could. And that's awful, because even though I am suicidal sometimes, I don't want to die. I'm curious to see if maybe I'll be texting some kid at 9:30 to meet me for coffee or tea and talk him out of doing something stupid. Maybe I'll change someone's life, too. I feel awful right now, honestly. These past few days, things have turned so fast. But it's okay. I'm on my feet still.

Resilience. Don't be afraid, Bianca. Quit being afraid of making the wrong decisions while making dumber ones in the meantime to cover it up. What good is it? You're gorgeous. Just look at any picture of yourself. Or in the mirror. Or watch a video of you singing. You're so beautiful and stylish. You're silly and you try to make the children laugh and happy. You want them to have fun games and be cared about. And when you sing, people fall in love with you. Zach did, George did, your mom does. People tell you that you have a gift, that you need to get signed, you need to perform outside, share it. Even when you feel like your skills are lacking, people bring you up. No one has ever said you don't sing well. People love you and think about you. Jenna just wants to be so good to me, even when it's difficult. You always wanted a best friend, and now you have one! Even Gmo, who you only knew for a few months, was concerned about you and went out of his way when he was BUSY, when he had to wake up at 3:45 am and leave for army training, (not even when he just "had free time" or was bored, no, he went out of his WAY for you...Wow....), yeah, even then, he invited you out. And when you initially said no, he asked again. People do care. People do want you to share, to be honest, to be given the chance to be good for you and care for you. Not everybody is going to be Jeannette and Gracie and Stella, they're not going to let you let go of yourself. If you drank with people who actually cared about you, they wouldn't let you make a fool out of yourself. And if you did, they wouldn't be "proud" of you. They'd take you out back, slap you a few times, and say that you're SO much better and SO much more beautiful than you were that night. That's NOT who you are and it's definitely not who you should be striving to be! Idiots! No, your worth isn't even related to how much you outdrink people, how crazy you can get, how many times you go out and party and do dumb things. Your worth is in how you treat people and how you approach life. It's in the words you say to strangers, in the joy you spread. It's in the love you share and create around you. It's in those moments when you don't let negativity seep in, when you don't let yourself compare your personality or beauty to anyone else's. It's in your hard work, in the way you let people feel around you. And guess what, love? That's something NOBODY on the outside can control, moderate, take away from you, or give you. It's all in you, it's all up to you. You control that. So what are you waiting for? Why ever feel bad, when you have all the tools to be a glorious human being, to make change in lives? You are loved, you are cared for, you are appreciated, you are strong. Believe in the power of YOU. Of Bianca Sicich. You Won't Relapse. You won't let those bad things into your heart. The future is so bright for you (granted--I said bright, not easy), so please don't give up. People need you out there. <3 p="">

The Coffee Isn't Even Bitter

Because, what's the difference?

Growing up is too exciting and painful and interesting for words. There's always a million things racing through my head and I can never quite sort them out right. It doesn't matter who I grow up to be, as long as I'm living a joyful, inspiring life and I'm seeking my purpose.

Blessing today: For the first time in my life, I have met an atheist who is not disgustingly shallow. We were sitting in his car, talking about our religious beliefs (I'm a questioning Catholic, on a faith journey that I nor no one else, I feel, understands yet...), and I said, "You know, I don't hate atheists. I believe in God, but I don't hate them. What I DO hate are shallow people who can't see beyond the 5 senses, and unfortunately all the atheists I have met are like that. It just makes me lose faith in them. And I don't want to stereotype, but that's just been my experience." Then he said, "Really?! You've NEVER met a cool atheist?" "Nope, they've all been assholes. Introduce me to a cool atheist and I'll like them!" "Me, you know me!"

Haha. Unexpected, but good. I love those conversations. Today was just a good day in general. I am finding my way, got someone looking out for me, trying to find out his name or what I believe about him. I'm scared because I know there's so much I have to do. I can't even comprehend it now. First thing I want to do? Get a good, stable therapist, figure out my deal with my medications and vitamins and supplements, and feel safe in this life. I don't know... I can't just pause everything, can I? I love my job, that's a sign. I do... it's not always easy, but I pretty much fit in. Sometimes things are quiet with Eric, and I don't relate to Jimmy as much, but I get along well with Andrea, Ashton, and Gmo, even though they're all 6+ years older than me and come from vastly different backgrounds. I'm able to joke around with them, smile, make conversation, and sometimes even discover some really meaningful truths. It's making me a more open-minded person. And hanging out with the kids all day? Ace. It's hard for me to believe that I'm able to do so well at something. A lot of times I see how I could be better, but this is my first job and I'm only 19. I was told for so long, by myself and the devil, that I can't do anything. I was worried coming into this job that I wouldn't be able to do it. It IS difficult, no lie, but I love every second of it (some days more than other, but still!) and I will miss my team and the kids when September comes. I have exactly one more month on this job, and I'm so grateful. What a blessing. But now it's time to move on to another stage. I don't know what to do!

What else... My faith journey. I don't know where to begin. I wish I had someone in it with me. I'm sure my parents would... I kinda want to just like travel and meet people and heal and see things. I'm not ready for that though, I can feel it. I need to heal myself first. What am I struggling with? Depression? Anxiety? Leftovers from the Chris drama, from growing up around negativity? I like to think I don't care, to think I'm so tough and unaffected... But maybe there is something there. Or maybe there's nothing. I don't know!

The story Gmo told me today about his cross dot bracelet was beautiful. Now I want to get that as a tattoo, as a little reminder of my faith journey and of this first job I've had. I also want my personal view of life on my wrist :-) And the anchor! Ah. Too many. And a nose piercing... and purple hair. Haha wow I distract myself with dumb stuff. See, this is why I never get any true healing done. But I have my second therapist session on Thursday morning, very nervous and excited. Who knows...

Today was good, but I don't know. I'm so scared, so confused, so unsure. What is happening?

And for the first time, I feel this way without a boy making me feel it. LOVE THAT.

You Are Enough

All my life I have been called unworthy.

Sometimes it's amazing to stop and remember that there's really nothing fundamentally wrong with me. I always get in this poisonous mindset that I need to change something about myself. What I want is for somebody to come along and say this

You are beautiful. And you're beautiful because you're you. You don't need to worry anymore, because I am here, and I will love you as you are. You don't have to try anymore, because you have me. I've seen you and that's who I love, who I want to love.

Nobody has said that to me. But that will be nice to maybe hear someday. I'm a lot more stable now that I'm on the medicine. For some reason, the meds make it hard for me to find it amazing that I actually feel normal. I'm used to waiting for something to go wrong. Now I feel better. It's not over though. I need to get in to see a therapist. But I can't go through depression again. The cuts will get deeper and I'll get more afraid. That's what I am, afraid. I'm afraid of changing anything. It's like that stupid Jumbling Towers game I played... I can get higher, but it means risking everything falling. Going away to college (again)... Can I handle that? I know my parents will let me pull out if it doesn't work out. But I'd like to DO something with my life. I'd like  to be able to move on and do whatever I like, but I feel like something is holding me back. I don't understand. I'm praying more. I like singing, using my talent for God. Whoever he is... I'm confused because I don't really know what I believe or why I believe what I do. I guess I just trust my heart. It's so odd to think that all I have had to do to be better is swallow a bit of pill each night. It's too easy. I'm afraid to love God because I know that he, or somebody, is there, but that's a big thing to face. It holds me accountable. I look at people of total faith and I wonder how they can even handle it. God..... he's calling me to love him, right now. I'm sleepy, but I want to just walk with God. Just go to a beach and pray my novena and be with him, in his presence, feel him there. I'm not strong right now. I'm sleepy and confused a lot of the time. I need to make choices. But I really just want to feel, beyond stable, like I AM WORTH SOMETHING. I want to feel like I am glorious how I am, like I really am made in God's image. But people usually like to give advice. I want to look at myself how I look at other people. As beautiful, intriguing, worth following into bad places. I want to feel like I can go away from home and make a new one. What am I going to do? Who will actually love me? I know God is calling out to me that he will, he will put those words in my heart from his mouth. I run from him and look for him in the wrong boys. He's calling me to him now.

Redeemed

I am redeemed.

I am afraid to talk about God for fear that he'll go away. It's like when I like somebody, I try to stay away from them because I know it's too good to be true. But maybe that's the relationship I need to be in right now. Not with Zach, not with some other boy, but with God. I have some beautiful struggle going on right now, and I know it's hard, but it's God's plan for me. In the end, I will be better for it... It's hard right now, and I know I don't understand why a lot of times, but I'm trying to put my trust in the Lord. He blessed me with the gift of faith on July 7, 2013. I don't know why, but it's time now. I'm so personal about this, too. Who I am to others and who I am myself are two different things, but I'm sacred. I know I am. I want to get to a balance to where I can keep that privacy but also share enough to form relationships. I'm growing, and Lord knows I'll be growing until the day I die. The Lord has GREAT plans for me, but I don't know them yet. Plans for greatness and for love, for joy. Not just my joy, but to bring joy to others. My heart is not in the right place now, and I need to accept that right now. I need to accept that only God can get me to the place I want to be. It's going to hurt (and it's always going to surprise me how much), I'm going to have to be nasty and jealous and a person I don't want to be, but I am holding the hand of God. When I walk alone, I don't really. I want with Jesus. He guides my feet and now I want him to guide my heart. Lord, PLEASE keep me strong tomorrow. I will pray to you in my moments when I feel helpless. I need to know what to do, where to go. I have some roads to travel and I know it. Be with me Lord. Please.

You From Joy

No secret, no matter how nasty, can poison your voice

or keep you from  joy.

I'm praying my novena and taking what I see as signs from God. God gives me all the puzzle pieces, but it's up to me to figure it out.

So today I met an odd lady with bad teeth wearing scrubs in Starbucks. She talked loud and was friendly. She had two kids-- a daughter whose birthday was today and wore a shirt to prove it, and a baby who was born 16 days ago. She told me she liked my dress and that she was savoring that moment with her baby.

I also met Running Man. He believes in the power of God. I'd like to ask him his story. I curse my shyness everyday. 

I met Rose, who lost her dogs, CoCo and Cutie, and is travelling to California with her boy. Her feet look horrible and she smoked some Pall Malls. She listened to Andrea when she prayed over her. 

I met "Angel" who told me she was raped and didn't know anybody. I tried to get her to go to the truck so we could take her away, but the police came and I had to leave. I think she's got something wrong in her head or in her bloodstream. 

I met Alex (Ross?) who paid attention to me and asked if I knew him and who wanted to see me again. But I don't trust anybody.

I have to sleep in an hour if I want to get 8 hours of sleep. Tomorrow starts another week of work. I can't help feel that I'm never good enough or worthy enough to be doing what I'm doing. It would be easy to sit in my pity and hate myself for a while, but I have to get up, sing for a bit, then go out there with people and trust that I can be good if I be me. Too hard, too hard. If I could stop trying so hard, I'd be better.

Underneath this Hood

I wish I grew up the second I first held you.

Today was good. I slept a lot, which is good for me. I worry so much about getting hurt. I met a nice guy tonight, but I worry that when people see the real me, they will run away or think I'm lame. I always worry about that. I know that God's looking out for me and will lead me to where I must go, but sometimes it's hard to get through stuff. I don't know... I'm glad I have a job and stuff to do, I am kept busy now... I don't feel so useless. And I guess I'm getting in good with faith. I want to try whatever comes my way. I can't believe a guy actually noticed me... His name's Alex and he has long hair and a beard... He's 21 I think... Oh well, we'll see. I'm applying to UD, and I'm so scared. So scared, like I said, of getting hurt. I've been hurt I guess. I've been told I'm no good. I've been treated badly sometimes. It really sticks with you... Then you begin to fit the world into this perspective that feeds it: I'm less-than, there's something wrong with me. The novel idea I've been having lately is that there's really nothing wrong with me, but I just express myself in different ways. Hmm. It would be nice to feel good about myself for a while. Don't you think so?

Waiting for Lovely

There's something really lovely about kissing, but you gotta wait for it to be right. I'm realizing that now, listening to this song-- Our Way to Fall by Yo La Tengo.

Tomorrow's my first day at work, quite curious to see how it goes. I know I'm going through a bad time, but I really feel [finally] that I am moving on. This is my transition. I had a dream that I went to UD and it was great. I don't know... I trust God and I love him, but I don't know him. I need to stop this, all figuring it out, all this crazy, and just love God and serve him. It's sleepy time, but I'm starting to begin to almost feel okay.

Hope? Yeah. I want there to be a love out there for me, but I've got to be good for it first, too.