TV Lounge

It's only fear.

Alexi Murdoch. That's what I want right now. And Scala & Kolacny Brothers. Damn, teenage dirtbag. I thought I'd do a bit of journaling because I haven't in a while and I've been feeling so restless today. I make a fool of myself with my energy, don't I? But I'm feeling more settled anyways these days. I used to worry so much what people though, how I looked, sounded, acted. I still care, but only about the essence. Maybe that's why so many people around me seem imperfect; they're just living. Like Ryan would say: "Everyone's just a person doing a person thing." What he discovered tripping on acid, what I discovered growing up. I think of Becca, how she can be so rude and imperfect and it all just fits together. I don't care if I come off that way. Maybe that's why Ryan interests me so much: he tries so hard, but we all know. We will always know. He holds himself together, doesn't ask for a thing, but in small moments he shows himself. He's fun to figure out. I feel the more I talk to him, the less I feel romantic about it. Which is what I want. I don't want to have feelings for him. The feelings I did have are fading. I am, of course, attracted to him as he is quite attractive. But that's physical. I just want to share in friendship with him. I want to be there and tell him what he doesn't know but thinks he does. He's very egotistical, and he's figuring stuff out, there's nothing more I like than when he laughs. I've heard him really laugh twice, and he's heard me really laugh once. I've heard him laugh from sadness, and he's heard me laugh from sadness twice. That's all right. I sometimes feel dizzy and sick with self-hatred or sadness, and that's when I need to go to his house and sit on his couch with Moon. I feel okay in the darkness there, maybe with something to eat or drink. I don't like interaction so much when I'm sad. It hurts. I miss cuddling, because oh my how I do love touch. :-)

Today was manic. Driving around, couldn't focus, talking to everyone, feeling the need to be extraverted and not being about to focus or study. I can't be alone ever. Ever. Ever. I hate that. So much has changed since earlier days. That's why I feel so old. Every fucking year, a roller coaster. Never knowing what will happen. I can't even remember the last time I remembered last year. It's so dumb. Like those kids that move all over the country, my family just moved me all over the board. One day, Chris is playing Santana on his electric, coming home sick, breaking down doors, and the next he's gone. I'll never understand that part of my childhood. I will never understand what it did to me, if it did anything. That kills me. I can't handle that...Such a big part, just lost. I don't know how to feel about it. Some days, I'll feel like talking for hours and hours, some days not. I don't know why. It's odd the way it all happens. It's like a big weight is off my shoulders, every time I think about how fucking FAR I've come. I've come so, so, so, so far in terms of confidence and acceptance. Wow. And it all just kinda showed up one day. I really hope I have a daughter. I'll tell her all of this, probably like my mom told me, and she'll never remember any of it. Ah. Can't handle school right now. I wasn't cut out for this: focusing!!! I can't even get a fucking travel agent! I hear about a music festival and I go crazy. I think about coffee and I can't move. Ugh. Fuck my fucked up life and fucked upedness. General.