Oh God, Where'd You Go?

God?
God?

It's so weird to think of God now, after all that's happened.

I remember when I was a little girl, how some things just didn't make sense. Like when people would say, "Just say when." I thought that was the silliest thing ever, because to me, "when" was just a concept. I didn't understand how that could be the magic word to mark the end of someone pouring milk or something. I like child me. I was very rational, I couldn't be fooled. I mean, I had a big imagination. But I knew what was what. I try to be that way at work sometimes. Just hold myself high, as a person deserving respect and fear. I'm kidding about the fear part. Or am I? I do sometimes wish I could be that girl that makes men scared, makes them sweat and very nervous to ask on a date. Unattainable, beautiful, proud, mature, lovely. Since I am the center of my own universe (literally speaking), I document myself. I fascinate myself. It's so bad, but not really. I'm in a relationship of sorts with myself, before I can expect to love others. I'm always waiting. I need to work through hard times, but I do owe myself the goodness of being happy. I don't deserve self-harm or depression. I have worth, just as much worth as I put on the people I love, respect, and admire the most. I am equal with them. That's an interesting way to look at things. If I could see myself the way I saw other people. How am I any different? At the end of the day, of our lives, I am no better or worse.

Darling, I don't care so let me go. To mama, arms open wide, I'll go.

I deserve a good man. I deserve to laugh. I love that scene from Breaking Bad where Jesse says, "I deserve this. I deserve everything that happens to me."

My arms are cold and I don't like that one bit.