Social Skills

I had a chat last night with Ryan and I noticed how good he is with people. I mean really, everywhere we go, he seems to have friends. He said it truly took practice, and that he used to be very shy until he was about 16. So I need to make an effort. This has been an ongoing problem since I can remember, and I really want to open up to people. I generally like people. I like their stories, their opinions, their lives. I want to hear it and learn from it. The obstacle I have is myself. I am ridiculously individualistic and private. I'm extremely shy and quiet, and it takes serious effort for me to be talking in a social situation of over 3 people. I'm going to college in January and I need to start practicing my social skills. I feel so shitty because for 5 years, I drowned myself in an unhealthy friendship, so I have a lot of learning to do. But I can do it. I'm determined.

Epiphany addiction. Yes, I have that. I need to put in more hard work, more effort. It's going to be hard as hell. And work is going to be hard as hell... But you can do it.

Vague advice. One day you'll "be yourself" but it's not helpful for now. Seriously. Specifics.

Fake it til you make it. Works differently for different people.

Honestly, I tell myself a million times a day, "There's nothing wrong with you. You have the right to be yourself." Does that really help? I mean I think it does in the short term, but I have skills, just like learning an instrument, I need to hone. I'm ready to fucking try something new. Something's gotta work. I'll tell Alison this.

ARTICLE 1: ASKING QUESTIONS AND SEEMING INTERESTED AS A "KEY" TO CONVERSATION

Yeah it really doesn't work for groups. You need to know how to contribute. Even for one-on-one I feel people will start to think you're boring because you're not really sharing anything. In the past, I always let people talk and talk and now I realize it's really annoying because while I like hearing about people, I WANT TO TALK TOO!! I HAVE COOL STORIES!!! And I totally agree with the bit about people who want to monopolize a conversation and take advantage: CAT!!! And sometimes Ryan haha. He will start to go on about how people love him so much until I say, "Dude stop that's so fucking annoying." At which point he'll smile a desperate little smile and say, "I'm not trying to be, it's just the truth" at which point I'll feel like kicking him in the nuts. Ahh friends. But seriously Bianca, don't let people take advantage of your quietness. That's evil and enabling. Ew. You need to learn to interrupt when necessary. I feel like with my dad I can converse pretty well. I did well last night with Mike and Ryan, because 1) they're both chill and 2) it was a small group setting. I don't do well when I'm in a group and I'm the only new person, like when Ryan and I go to Starbucks or something. Also, I really like talking..........about myself........so I want to.

Article 2: Main concepts

Experience experience experience. You're not going to become a social butterfly by reading self help books OR this new website you found. Get out there. Do shit. (HOW?...) I see lots of opportunities: UNIVERSITY. And a new job.

Take initiative with making friends. It's not creepy. Don't be so passive (practice this....somehow).

Article 3: Factors that seems to contribute to shyness, etc.

Copying behaviors of people you were friends with that weren't good behaviors. Jenna. Jenna. Jenna. Her style works for her life and what she wants, but not at ALL for who I am. Unfortunately, I spent many years trying to hone HER skills and be like her, but this was only shooting myself in the foot: I have a choice between suffering and learning in my own way, in the life I want, or being good at interacting in a life I don't want, a life for somebody else. I choose the former.

Notes: Pushing people away. When I'm starting to get to know a group of people, I'm very happy to and want to get to know them more. I want to know a lot more. I especially take interest in a few specific people (usually a guy... ugh why) and want to know everything about them, I want to help them, etc etc. But then after a certain point I try to push them away (especially if the relationship is really intense and I feel like I'm getting too close). Getting really close to people scares me. I tell people to run, that I'm no good, that they're better off without me, that I deserve bad things and deserve to be hated. It's weird because the people who see me the most clearly tell me these thoughts are so wrong. They ask, "What have you ever done so wrong that you deserve this hatred?" All I can do at that point is cry and not know, but know that I do. Same reasons I (used to?) hit myself, because I want someone to do it for me. To hurt me, hit all the bad out of me. I have all these negative thoughts, this depression, sometimes even manic, all this absolutely insane, fucked up stuff inside of my head, and it really draws me away from other people. I need to know how to filter that and still feel connection, and I also need to know how to open up to the people I trust. I've opened up a bit to RJ, more to Ryan, a bit to Taylor, some to my dad, and that might be it.