Nevermore

I didn't marry the girl I love.

Friends are a horrible thing. Before Zach, I had Jenna. I love to have Jenna as a friend because we can talk and have fun and she challenges me, but I don't have to tell her everything. And I don't mean "everything" like those things that actually happened: I mean the inner-thoughts. Those are sacred, and you spill them, they evaporate. Blood loss, no type to match. So it's time to stop sharing with the class, Bianca. It doesn't deepen my friendships to say these things, it only makes me lose myself. I'm not losing myself in another person, but rather there is an eminent erasure. Gone, forever. The chemicals are wearing off. I tried having a true best friend, but it doesn't work for me. I think I'm one of those people who needs to be alone forever. If I got married, if I fell in love again, I'd want to share myself with that person, but they just couldn't get it. Understanding someone isn't something that you can do to me, it has to be in your being. You just are that understanding. I am finding slowly that nobody can be that for me. Only I can. I'm not saying I don't want to be cute with other guys. I want to hold hands and kiss and cuddle, but I don't want to share myself. I love myself, and I want to find out just what it is I am loving. Before someone tries to do that for me. It just amazes me that even the people I am closest to, the ones I've been with for 1, 5, 10, 19 years... They don't even go a bit beneath the surface. They can try, with me as their guide, but it just is impossible. And I don't feel sad about it. I'm excited to be alone, and I'm terribly afraid. At least in the past, solitude never frightened me. What happened this summer?