I want to be back in that sleepless night, with the rain pecking softly at my window. Back there, when the soft glow of the light above my head lit up my solitude. Alone. Lovely, perfect.
But that's not true, and I know it.
I'd rather be on your balcony, freezing fingers, cold toes, singing songs to each other. I felt so old and wise, when I'd only known you for half a year. How badly I wanted to lean over from behind my guitar, across yours, and kiss your mouth that I'd never kissed. That's all I could think of, was kissing you. When you sang, I couldn't see your face because it was so dark. No light, just the stars. Just the cold, timid November air. You were perfect, did you know that? Yes, you let me down eventually, but you did it in the best way possible. You're a good person, and I hope I have the privilege of knowing you one day in the distant future. You're lovely.
But you're gone. You don't have to say it, because I can feel it and I know it. It's all right, love. They all go in the end, and I'm glad I could have you when I did.
Now it's me. That's all. I'm left with me, and I'm glad to have me. I'll mourn not having you around as much, but I've got to figure some things out. The spring-to-summer air is clearing or ruining my head I think. What'll I do. I'm stuck in this perpetually lovely, confusing, confused, complex little soul of mine. Dear lord. We all have one, but I plan to hold onto mine. No one can belong to me. I never understood you...
So since I seem to love lists, I'll make one.
1) Write letter to George.
2) Write letter to Robin.
3) Have a pointe shoe photo session in Austin with Robby.
4) Bike down to the canoe place by myself and go canoeing and drawing. And with Robby.
5) Stay in that Austin motel on SoCo.
6) Go to that bench on Edison.
7) Run again.
8) Don't go on my laptop all summer. [HARD]
9) Bring my guitar random places and SING.
10) Play the guitar in Costco and sing.
11) Busk in South Quad with Robby one day.
12) Photography again! Lomography! Figure out that dang Holga.
13) Learn to longboard.
14) Dye my hair black and red.
15) Nose stud.
16) Tattoo.
Yup! I'm so excited for Robby Baby to come visit me in Austin. Seriously. Best place on Earth.
WHAT ELSE IS THERE TO SAY.
WHAT ELSE IS THERE TO SAY.
I just hope I can remember this. I'm so inconsistent. I find that I can never focus on anything too long. I go through phases: one month I'll love ballet, then maybe soccer, then running, then singing, then, who knows, fishing? I can't even consistently love my friends or family. Phases phases phases. No constants. I have no motivation. The only thing I truly have a passion for is living life. And maybe music. Lovely, lovely music. [I think lovely is one of my favourite words.] I just want tomorrow to be over, now. I don't want to present, I don't want to try and control a bunch of little kids, I don't want to ride the bus to their school by myself. I just want to go back home to Austin and start my summer, now. Sexy can I? Why not? Myyyy life.
Starlight. I love that word, too. Starlight and summertime. Summertime starlight. NOICE.
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