HERE IT IS Guitar

In Ear Park?

So this is Christmas.

There was a time when a dusty window's ledge covered in moonlight and warm April air was sweet, and it was life. When the sound of "B-B-Benny" through a midnight suburban street was a rebellion. And then you had to come along, with your crawfish that chased toes and your abandoned house, with your problems and your inside jokes, and you had to raise me up so high just to let that chair loose from beneath my feet. And there wasn't even a noose; that is the worst. So I fall. Every little part of the world was different before I met you, do you know that? It could be hard to believe. The part I miss the most, though, is me. Can you remember me? I really was extraordinary. I was special. Let me say, that is the hardest thing to be. We are told that we are so special, but the truth is that "special" is a greatness that we achieve. It was me that brought you forth from the crowd. Now what is this animal sitting here, with these little fingers, untouched for months, that type away so carelessly? But it's not careless. It was, once. Once, when Bukowski drenched from the corners of my lobes, when Eliot was out of reach, when Andre brought me to mirrors, when I could understand myself. I hated it all, but don't you remember how fascinating life was? Now it is a stupid thing I do. College is a stupid thing I do. I want to go to San Francisco and open all the windows of my apartment and look outside at a beach. I want to roll down a giant hill and stumble when I get up. Then it all changed. So I can't go back. There's only a few lessons I've picked up, but one of them is that history DOES NOT repeat itself. We are fools if we think it. Everything is different the next time. So I can't just play Way to Normal and open my window and expect a gush of openness to flood me. It's a new age (And It Is Hot?), and it calls for new procedures. That's the loveliness of it all. I can't get it here. I've also learned that it's better to have no friends than to have friends that make you dumber. I'd rather be alone. I won't start formulating plans, because I already know what I'm going to do. I am afraid of being alone again. It's a habit! I want to be alone and be who I was, but I enjoy leaving my house as well. I can finally find that balance now. Hardest thing to do. I am scared to death of starting from scratch, but I am not really. I have myself, always. Isn't that the funniest thing. There is only one thing I will always have as long as I'm on this Earth, and that's me. So I better learn to love it, whatever it is. Because Mom will die. Papi will die. All my friends will either die, or disappoint me, or grow bored of me. My dog will go. My children will find jobs and stay busy. But I am with me from the day I come into this life to the day I make my exit. That's the most comforting thing I know. Some people may say that it's a burden, to always have yourself around like a pest, but I think it's lovely. It gives me some time to work on me, to know me, to shape me. I am transient, yes. I want to get into more trouble than I do. To be more reckless. There is a person here, underneath these fingertips, and I love her. Yeah, okay. So she is shy and pathetic. So she barely ever accomplishes what she wants. But I love her because she's all I have. My little personality. It's all I have, all I can ever have. No more running from her. Love, love.