The Things That Keep You From Dreaming

I love you now. Isn't that enough? Isn't that enough?


After putting my brain through a wormhole of experiences and new life, I've found my next biggest question: How can you tell if it's love? I mean, what determines love? I'm still figuring that out. I have a couple of examples. I have this friend, and we were great friends--circumstantially--in freshman year. It's that easy kind of friendship that could run on itself, no effort, nothing, just laughter, just agreeable smiles. But then life set in, you know, and I ended up resenting her. I ended up thinking: Is this my best friend? Is this it? I felt that way for a long time. Years. But I stuck through it, and I sat down one day with her and we talked so honestly, I didn't believe we could be humans. Now we are very close.

That's love, right there. Waking up in the same bed, next to the same man, for 14 years, hating every moment of life, only to resolve that situation with truth. And respect. At least that's what I think it is. I also think it's very, very, very painful. When it's easy, it isn't love. Take the pain out of love, and the love won't exist. Right? That's how I know when I love somebody; when I actually hurt to think about them, to think of their wonders and their life. I also believe that love is a choice. I can choose to absolutely sacrifice and devote myself to someone, or I can choose to make them an acquaintance. I don't really choose to love a lot of people, because love is so difficult and I am a perfectionist when it comes to important matters.

But love is great. It hurts more than anything. I mean, it's that deep, bone splitting pain that sucks right into your heart and slips out your brain into noodles and shit and you're left with nothing at all: just a fucking shell. And then suddenly you're lifted up by an invisible hand into another dimension, lifted high into happiness again, and it just hits you and it clicks, and then it tears apart again. That's what it feels like for me, anyways.

I have a terrible mind. Can I have a new one? You see, mine leads me to the worst conclusions. But the funny thing is, even if what I worry happened did happen, I'd pursue you. Because things like this are so rare, and it's this that makes the world wonderful. I've let a lot pass me by for 3 years, and I've sat like a vegetable while a wonderful world passed in front of me, trying to wake me up. I'm not going to let that happen anymore. I will fight. Forever, I will fight it. I still can't believe that I almost slipped into that thought: "This is just how it is." It's never how "it is." Life can be better, always always. I never thought that I'd cry in gratitude, but each time I sit to pray, all I can say to my God is: "Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you. Amen." I never thought I'd get back here, or better, but I did. I made it back somehow. I know I'll slip away again, and that's okay, but it's just the tide.

So there was a small moment today when I knew I love you. I was in the shower (I seem to always have breakthroughs in the shower... How terribly inconvenient?) and I was going mad thinking about what you may have been told tonight. I was going so mad that I was willing to do anything to rectify what you may have or may not have heard. I would have driven an hour. In rain. Anything; I'd run around to find whatever it is I needed to prove anything. I'd spill out my story. Humiliating. I am humiliated every single day by my love. But that's when I knew. I was going crazy. I still am. But you know what helps? My conviction to do anything to make this right, to make this work. Do you know how rare human connection is? Do you know how many soulless lives float below the surface, never tasting love, never making contact, never? I can't be that. We shouldn't ever be that. We are so young... This is how I am making the world a better place.

But there's a fine line. Because in order for me to fully love you, I need to sacrifice. That's the hardest part--almost as hard as the pain. If you told me that you needed me to leave forever, I guess I'd have to do it. I'm still learning that part. How is it possible for my head to feel empty and full at the same time? I just know that I am utterly selfish. So selfish to love you. I wish I had the strength to say this to your face, and I probably will, one day, but not too soon. Our situation is pretty complicated, isn't it? I accept this challenge, though, and I hope it only makes life better for us both. You break my heart every day.