Frank Sinatra

There is nothing for me but to love you.

I once told my mom, "Loving something is sometimes just awful." Yes, I was right. Sometimes it is just awful. But there's so, so much to look forward to, and that's all that matters. I am happy to be at my house, and to have a plan for tomorrow (although I never know how those will end up). Mainly, I think I should run more and drink more kombucha and try to get you off of my mind. Although you are not a bad thought at all. No, I just miss you; that's all. I miss you. What's great is that there is so much time ahead of us to be friends, and I look forward to all that. There's time for phone calls and letters and talking and sharing stories. I'm looking forward to that, so much. Looking forward to years of being friends. If we just both keep up our end of the deal, then we'll be all right. Love and friendship are efforts. For now, I hope you are happy and focusing on something beautiful out on the ocean, or laughing at some joke, or just doing something good for the soul. It's hard for me to sacrifice--really hard, I am selfish--and sometimes what you say hurts me in a way no one could expect. I struggle with a lot, jealousy and selfishness and being an attention whore and confusion and getting bent out of shape and forgetting my place and saying stupid stuff, but I'm working on that, really. In the pit of my stomach, I feel something weird, like life is shifting me around. It kind of makes me want to cry, but more than anything I want to talk to you. It's a good feeling to know that I can talk to you. There's been times in my life when the person I wanted to talk to the most was the one person I couldn't take to, indefinitely. You are very wise. There's a lot I want to do still with you, adventures and memories to be had, but our time together is running short. I try not to worry about the future. I just know I will get bored of you, but I remember something you told me once (my favourite thing you told me): I just think people aren't meant to be thrown away. I've done that so many times. Thrown someone away--because I'm tired of them, because they hurt me, for dumb and smart reasons. But you're so, so right. There will come a day when I will want to throw you away, I know it because I know me. But I won't throw you away (I promise. I never promise. But I promise.) because you're a lovely person, so lovely and so good, and you deserve to be loved and kept. So loved and kept will you be! I guess if you want me to stop, I could. I don't know... It's so very complicated and simple at the same time. There's so much I want to say to you. Actually, there's not that much, but its scale is so large and I feel that it is a lot. It's really only a few questions, a couple statements, and a story. I DON'T KNOW. I'm not used to this! Forgive me. I just want you to be here right now, just to be here. I don't know I don't know I don't know. I go crazy, really. I wake up some days and I think, "Oh today I will not miss him." Then I hear a song that reminds me of you, or I even just see the sunshine in a certain way, and I miss you so suddenly. Then I wake up some days and I say, "Oh I miss him today" and I get a headache from it all, and I don't want to talk to you, but I do anyways because that's how I want it to be. Does it make sense? No, I suppose not. To me even not. I wish you were not constantly on my mind. I mean, seriously. You are always there, in there somewhere, and I can't get you out. Background, foreground, you will appear somewhere out of nowhere. I just want a moment alone, you know? Leave me alone; get out! But--to add to my wishlist of you--I wish I knew exactly what you think of me. No fluff, no polite, just the cold hard truth. And everything. Do you like me? Do you think I'm strange? Don't you ever get sick of me? Just pure honesty. I try to be honest. But I haven't been. I debate telling you. I go around humming "Moon River" and wishing you could laugh at random shit with me. I miss that: laughing with you. I miss having you in my car, eating Swedish fish, talking or being silent, waiting for red lights, wanting to waste all my gas. I miss it and it's only been a small while. I don't ever want to stop talking about you. It sucks... Whenever anyone mentions you, I smile. When you call me, I smile too wide and I think you can hear it. I don't want you to hear it. Why can't I just forget you and ... and what? I hate feeling this. I hate this feeling. No. I don't know! My God. You are a good person... I don't know! So here's basically what I want: You here. You not on my mind. You telling me the truth. That's all I want right now. I don't even want music or laughter or anything but those 3 simple things. The first is physically impossible, the second is highly unlikely (even when I sleep, I think of you. Get out!), and the third... Well, hopefully that will happen someday. Maybe I need to be honest first. I've always let others take the lead and whatnot. Maybe I should be the one to start that conversation. Hm.