I Am So Happy With Life & I Thank God For My Life Now

There'll be love, love, love wherever you go!


That's what I called the mix CD I made today. It's really a great CD! It's got a nice blend of classics (Frank Sinatra, a little 90's alternative) and slow, smooth songs (Thirteen) and upbeat, silly (I Told You I Was Freaky). I drove around listening to it for an hour today. I went to Jennifer's and then down 183 then onto New Hope (a wrong turn) then somehow I ended up on Ronald Reagan and then I drove past 1431 and to Brushy Creek (my favourite way home!) but I decided to keep going until I hit Sam Bass, drove down 79 to Old Settler's and turned around, and back towards my house. Yup, a road map of my life! I'm pretty chill & happy right now. I wish I could talk to you more, but I know you're busy and that's okay. One of my worst flaws is that I get clingy... That's what ruined it with Mercutio I think. I wouldn't let him be and let him live his life. So I'm really trying hard to not be clingy. I'm just instead trying to be grateful for when we can talk. I'm figuring out more and more what real love is, and it's hard. Because it comes with all these silly selfish feelings, like that I think I should be important (more important, you know?) but in my heart, I actually don't want to play mind games. With Mercutio I did want to play mind games, I wanted him to suffer sometimes and be jealous and make him want me to stay with ultimatums. But this time, even though we're just friends, I feel so different. I don't want to play any games, and when I slip and do, I feel really bad about it. I just want you to be happy. In my heart, I'd love to spend a lot more time with you, but I want you- and know you do- to have other friends. Love is really, really hard. It's a lot of things at once, too. It's like a constant stream of realisation and sacrifice and happiness. But you know I wouldn't change anything. I don't really know how this happened, and it happened really fast, too. I know that love is incredibly crazy and doesn't make any sense. The more I realise, the more I am confused about. I think I really need to be honest with you. This hurts like all hell, having to leave and start over... Maybe I'll find something even better. It's hard to believe that, though, when I suffered for 3 years and found something good at the end. I'm pretty sure I got stuck being "The One Who Cares More." I don't mind it, not really. Every time I tell myself, "You're so silly, just stop it and move on! Don't go any further!" I remember what was said to me on my graduation day: "There is nothing more practical than falling in love." I don't know why I liked that, but I just do. So I don't stop myself. Why stop? Love isn't meant to be done halfway. And if you don't feel the same, well that's fine. I can deal with that. Sometimes I wonder if I've ever let you down. I remember that time when I think I made you feel bad (well your face looked hurt) and I just felt so terrible in that moment. Even worse than when I get upset at something in my family. It's different: I felt like a monster. I know that's harsh to myself, and it wasn't even that bad, but hurting you hurt me so much more. I don't want to ever hurt you. I don't want to be clingy. I don't want you to think I'm creepy or whatever to be in love with you. That hurts me a lot, when people think I'm creepy for something good. I know it's a weird situation, and I don't want to make you uncomfortable... I don't know what to do. It would suck if I told you this and you just thought I was weird. Sometimes I get in too deep with stuff like this (granted, I've only been through this once in my life) and I can be dramatic, but I'm trying so hard to be perfect for you. So that you can have something wonderful, and that that something can be me. And if it can't, then I'd like to know so I can stop bugging you. I don't know! A human heart shouldn't have to feel and choose and struggle this much all at once, but I guess that's love. I know it's going to hurt worse. It's going to get worse and better, and I'm so excited to see this. I'm excited to see you grow up (if I get the chance to, if you'd let me) and mature and fall in love with someone and become famous and be happy and be sad and experience life. I'm excited to be a part of your life; I'm glad I've met you now. You may not think much of yourself, but you are so wonderful and special. There's no one like you; no one to replace you. Life is yours, forever and now, and I can't wait to see what you do with it. I'm always here if you want me, if you need support. I can stay; I can go. It's not because I'm indifferent, but rather because I love you enough to let you have what's best for you. Yeah, listen to me. I am in way too deep. There's no getting out. UGH. Would I even want to? It's so different now from last time. I hope I don't go back into my "old ways." It'd hurt you... I warned you. How can I not hurt you? I don't want you to get attached to me if that hurts you. You're my first for a lot of these things, honestly, and I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry that I chose to love you. But that's something I can't help. That's the one choice I don't have. I mean, I think love is half choice, half not-choice. When I went away for 2 weeks, I thought that when I came back and saw you that I'd be over you. But it was even worse... The feeling hadn't gone away; it was stronger. I wondered: how did that happen? It gets stronger every day. I will tell you all of this one day, I know I will. I'm not afraid to tell you. Isn't that weird? I'm not afraid. I think I'll be nervous that you'll think I'm creepy, but that's it. It's like getting a Band Aid ripped off. It'll be okay. Everything's gonna be okay, like you said. I will always remember that moment, always always outside your house at 11:30 with the stars and the sky and your arms around me and your hand in my hair and I'm just sobbing into your shoulder and you tell me "Everything's gonna be okay...Everything's gonna be okay..." I never believed anything more than that. Holy shit. Sholy hit. I miss ya. I hope you never read or find this. I'm pretty much an idiot for putting this shit on the Internet and hoping no one finds it, but I've dealt with worse. If you do find it, it's not like I've been posting embarrassing things about you or whatever. Sometimes I like to be out of my fucking comfort zone, man! This is just like when I left St. Mike's: I had an amazing year and made best friends, it was so much better than I thought it would have been. I think I sort-of shut myself up after that. Nah I can't do that now! I chose to go away to Indiana... My mom offered for me to stay here and stay close, but I told her, "No I have to go. If I don't, I'll always wonder if I was just being scared. I'm tired of being scared to do things." So I'm off to not be scared! Isn't that funny though... I said that before I knew you. Anyways, I should probably take a shower and take care of myself. It seems sometimes I injure myself over you... That's not positive.