A Wishlist

I want the weather to be cold.

I want to feel rain on my skin when I run tomorrow.

I want to have a reason to shiver when someone mentions you.

I want to feel something tomorrow.

I want to be numb tomorrow, just like everyday.

I want Katie to be okay.

I want her to realize: she is like me, and that story didn't end well the first time.

I want my story to end better, speaking of that.

I want my naivety and my hope in the world to remain, after pain and irrationality have been stripped away.

I want the person I used to be to still be there.

I want to be her again.

I want to see the world through her eyes, to feel alive no matter what happened.

I want to feel alive.

I want this numbness to fade.

I want to have not ended up like this.

I want to go back in time and un-grow a few maturity years.

I want to be able to join in with people and not feel so out of place.

I want to start caring.

I want to stop caring.

I want you to please move on, although I don't. I wish I could make sense of my feelings. Perhaps pick them apart until they make sense.

I want to be able to understand this: if I abhor you, why do I pray that you will be okay?

I want to not contradict myself.

I want Jenna to be okay.

I want her to move on and not miss him.

I want her to stay with me because I feel as though she is one of my only friends.

I want to be able to express how much I'd miss her if she left.

I want her to see that I do care, really.

I want to understand life.

But more than anything, I just want the weather to be cold.

THe Absence of Thoughts

i haven't written anything substantial in forever.

ah, i feel like i'm losing my lost mind.

i feel like i've felt my whole life.

but last year was different...

it seems like the whole human race doesn't live within themselves,

but rather live externally.

they can see the world around them,

passing and passing through "thoughts" and moments.

but they don't stop to think.

they don't "take a second for reflection,

take a leave of absence."

it seems like that's the only thing i do.

i'm aware that i'm living, but am i?

it's scary, the way my mind is.

it makes me doubt everything.

and i don't know what i'm saying anymore. hm.

but i feel myself losing that bit of me everyday.

the little part that hangs onto the inside...

that puts a brake on moments, puts my life at a standstill.

and for a second i'm just alive...

i need to think more.

i miss it.

i miss being who i was...

a person who thinks too much but doesn't let anyone know.

now i'm just becoming like everyone else.

"don't think about it."

"it confuses you? just don't think about it."

but i can't NOT think about anything.

wait, let me rephrase that.

i can't stop my mind from thinking something.

i can't push a phrase or thought or idea out of my head.

it just lingers there... until it doesn't.

then it goes away.

it runs its course, i guess you could say.

but it doesn't push itself away. i don't know what does.

but if i could find out what does, i'd never think again.

maybe that'd be nice.

but, honestly, i don't want to live externally.

"indoor living," yeah. that sounds nice.

living within yourself, but with knowledge of the outside too.

a balance.

i'm sure people have had these problems, too.

i just don't know of any.

maybe we all feel this way, but never tell anyone.

so no one will ever know.

every person will go on thinking how brutally alone they are,

when really it isn't "alone," it's "quiet."

that's kind of sad...

oh well.

i wish i could find the thoughts to write forever.

i wish i could just sum myself up into an entry and let it be done with.

but since i can't do that, a lot of these will be coming up.

just a warning.

you know what's lame?

a lot of things.

the fact that people mock feelings.

they mock them and share OTHER PEOPLE'S with people they'd prefer them not to.

thank you, bastard and bitch.

you have fully succeeded in being inhumanly intelligent.

i thought that level of immatureness could only be reached by a bad-tempered 5-year-old.

you've proved me wrong.

i'm sick of how immature everyone is.

is refusing to talk to someone beacuase you simply know any chance of intelligent conversation is impossible wrong?

is that rude? is it... what is it? what is it that made you hate me?

i told you i wasn't going to turn your friends against you.

i haven't.

but they are, because of the way YOU've been acting.

when i ask them about you, they say they'd rather not be friends because you're being an idiot!

it's not my fault.

so why are you taking it out on me?

all i did was move on with my life.

isn't that what you wanted in the first place?

i'm just giving you what you want.

we don't belong in each other's lives, and i'm sure you miss me just about as much as i miss you (none.)

so why do you hate me?

why do you tell people rude stories about me that make me seem crazy?

yes, i was crazy. i'll be the first to admit.

but going around and telling people that kind of stuff is just... just so rude.

i have things i know about you that i swore i'd NEVER tell.

ever.

because that'd be the wrong thing to do.

there are also things that you've said to me that you probably don't want people knowing.

stuff you've done.

i still haven't told anyone that stuff.

because what's the point in embarrassing you?

your lack of substantial conversation is embarrassing you enough. i almost pity you.

i don't like embarrassing people.

even people i dislike.

because embarrassment is one of the worst feelings, i think.

so i wouldn't do that.

but i guess that's another thing we differ in...

i think about my actions and you don't.

i hope you have fun being the person that you are.

i also kind of hope you change... not for me or for anyone around you,

but for yourself.

and if you claim you are already who you want to be,

i genuinely hope that person is a kind, honest, and mature person who you will stay true to.

but maybe, just maybe... i've got you all wrong.

You.

You didn't leave a hole in my heart.

You didn't tear me apart and into pieces.

You didn't even get to me...

Once I found something inside to get me through,

A tiny piece of ... hope? Love? The future...?

Once I found it, I also found that you can't hurt me anymore.

You didn't leave a lingering abscense when you left...

So maybe you were just taking up space in the first place.

every little pat on the shoulder for attention fails to mention i still hate you.

hm. i should write down some of my stuff here. yeah. okay. uhh.
i'm going to go write a song today. hear that jenna, bails, and sarah? i'm going to!
yeah. don't really know what to say.
except that:
it's a weird kind of pain i'm feeling now.
it's like a dull sense in the pit of my stomach.
it feels a lot like butterflies... funny that it's the opposite.
it happens when i think of something in the past.
something that hurts to remember.
something that makes me feel like a fool.
like your pity.
pity... i hate it.
did you really think leading me on, making me think things were okay, that it would make me happy?
maybe at the time, since i had no clue.
but now, once i find out.
now is when pity turns to shame turns to hurt.
thank you.
for making me look like a blind idiot.
making yourself seem like a kind person for bestowing pity on me and not wanting to "hurt my feelings."
it really worked, especially now.
but so many times i've told myself to change.
"stop being so jealous!"
"stop being so needy!"
"stop being so demanding!"
all that.
and you know what?
i'm working on it.
day by day.
theres so much i want to ask...
so much i want to know and to be sure of.
but i'm not going to ask those questions. never again.
because that brings me back to the pity thing.
i ask them and all i get is pity and lies.
sometimes i want to be told the cold hard truth, you know.
so yeah.
enough with the questions.
they'll remain in my head and on paper.
nowhere else.
it's sad that you're such a blind fool.
i almost feel sorry for you... almost.

i don't even know anymore

what the hell did i do wrong?

how can a person try so hard and still get no where?

i wish this would all go away

just

i dont know.

why can't i just be me again?

i remember a time when i was so happy

and so carefree and people would come to me for advice

and i would just want to love

nothing more than to love

i need to fix this now

it's gotten so out of control

so so out of control...

lately the crying has been so bad. :\

i cant take it anymore...

it's like.. pain stronger than i've ever felt...

the way i'm acting, i'm going to lose everyone.

i know it.

if i mistreat everyone, they will leave me.

itsj ust like i was told:

if i expect everyone to always be there for me

to always try to cheer me up

then no one is going to want to

everyone will just leave eventually....

but i feel pretty damn alone already.

alone in my thoughts

alone in this pain...

you know?

there used to be a time

i could trust you would never leave me

never just let me fall flat on my face like that

yeah... i don't think that way anymore.

i'm aware of my faults, so why can't i fix them?

why can't i just fucking fix them...

why do i always think about it...

then nothing happens??

what am i doing??

well i cant control that at this very moment.

i guess i can start over, right?

i can always start over.

who says i can't?

the same people who say it'll be so hard for me to.

but i don't care.

i don't want to live my whole life just "accepting" that i'm this or that.

if i don't like it, i will change it.

starting where?

how?

when will i see an oppurtunty to?

i just hope it's not too late...

i just hope i haven't done enough damage.



you know.. my mind's just been so jumbled lately.

i'm like:

well maybe this isn't all my fault. why am i blaming myself for everything?

then i'm like:

of course i'd say that. i don't want it to be my fault, naturally. bianca, stop being a victim and start doing something.

so i dont know what to think...

which voice is right...?

am i a victim?

i don't feel like one... not really.

yeah sometimes i feel wrongly blamed..

but mostly i put the blame on myself.

that's probably not so good either.

but if there's no one to blame,

where does the blame go?

honestly...

sometimes i wonder where stuff you can't see goes.

like time.

time goes on, time goes fast.

but goes... where?

behind us? beside us? imprinted in our minds?

where do emotions go?

do they remain in our heart?

or do the leave us entirely?

what am i saying..

this isn't the point!!



but wow.

if i can't make you happy, who can i make happy?

you know, that's all i really ever wanted.

was to make someone happy.

to make their life change in good ways.

to be there for them always, no amtter what.

am i doing a good job of that?

because sometimes you don't seem so happy with me.

how you could be happy with me baffles me.

so i don't know.

i'm not happy with myself... haha.

i'm not happy at all right now.

right now i feel like i'm choking

i just want to lie in bed

listen to music

sit there

fall asleep

and wake up and everything is better

everything is the same:

you love me, i love you.

you won't leave me

i'm good to you.

i'm not good to you now.

it's like i'm not happy until someone is sad.

wow. that's not love.

thats selfish.

i'm selfish.

you hear that?

i'm a selfish bitch.

who isn't capable of loving anyone.

wow... i sure hope i'm just lying to myself.

but i'm not so sure.

love and happiness.

the most difficult emotions for me to actually feel.

//written 30May2009.//

"west is all i know," say my sun

written jan. 7, 2007

stay away, stay out.
i'll keep you under the glow of pity.
not as bright as pride,
but i'll take what i can get.
do you really want to help?
the way you say you do?
save my life by not letting me love you.
hope gets you no where,
faith leaves you blinded,
and love is the worst gift that you've taken away from me.
remember this:
"this means nothing.
these words are lifeless."
let them fall unto your tongue, and they are acid.
you're the only one who can hurt me like this.
don't say sorry, it comes out wrong.
don't say you love me, because i actually believe your lies.

[second to] last breath

written 2007/2008...

every song ends
every ending needs a song.
so i'm going to need one soon.
these words mean nothing
until you match the notes
to the one i left outside your door.
read it and weep, i'm not coming back.
you're singing the wrong lines
i'm crying the wrong tears
making fools of ourselves
and promises meant to be broken.
who needs ruled when we have...
all we need is...
all we have is...
standing on the balcony
i hear it all below
where i'm going, you'll be there
but you're not. you're in the threshold.
i'll dedicate this to you: my second to last breath.
i already have plans for the last.
to the song in your heart,
good riddance, goodbye...
good times i've had, listening to your lies.
my ears are already full
i can't see what it is
it sounds like...
it must be...
but it's not you, it's me.
and has been all along.
it's too late now
i'm past the second
time for the last
here's to the song in your heart,
"sing a new song of death."

my second to last breath.