i don't even know anymore

what the hell did i do wrong?

how can a person try so hard and still get no where?

i wish this would all go away

just

i dont know.

why can't i just be me again?

i remember a time when i was so happy

and so carefree and people would come to me for advice

and i would just want to love

nothing more than to love

i need to fix this now

it's gotten so out of control

so so out of control...

lately the crying has been so bad. :\

i cant take it anymore...

it's like.. pain stronger than i've ever felt...

the way i'm acting, i'm going to lose everyone.

i know it.

if i mistreat everyone, they will leave me.

itsj ust like i was told:

if i expect everyone to always be there for me

to always try to cheer me up

then no one is going to want to

everyone will just leave eventually....

but i feel pretty damn alone already.

alone in my thoughts

alone in this pain...

you know?

there used to be a time

i could trust you would never leave me

never just let me fall flat on my face like that

yeah... i don't think that way anymore.

i'm aware of my faults, so why can't i fix them?

why can't i just fucking fix them...

why do i always think about it...

then nothing happens??

what am i doing??

well i cant control that at this very moment.

i guess i can start over, right?

i can always start over.

who says i can't?

the same people who say it'll be so hard for me to.

but i don't care.

i don't want to live my whole life just "accepting" that i'm this or that.

if i don't like it, i will change it.

starting where?

how?

when will i see an oppurtunty to?

i just hope it's not too late...

i just hope i haven't done enough damage.



you know.. my mind's just been so jumbled lately.

i'm like:

well maybe this isn't all my fault. why am i blaming myself for everything?

then i'm like:

of course i'd say that. i don't want it to be my fault, naturally. bianca, stop being a victim and start doing something.

so i dont know what to think...

which voice is right...?

am i a victim?

i don't feel like one... not really.

yeah sometimes i feel wrongly blamed..

but mostly i put the blame on myself.

that's probably not so good either.

but if there's no one to blame,

where does the blame go?

honestly...

sometimes i wonder where stuff you can't see goes.

like time.

time goes on, time goes fast.

but goes... where?

behind us? beside us? imprinted in our minds?

where do emotions go?

do they remain in our heart?

or do the leave us entirely?

what am i saying..

this isn't the point!!



but wow.

if i can't make you happy, who can i make happy?

you know, that's all i really ever wanted.

was to make someone happy.

to make their life change in good ways.

to be there for them always, no amtter what.

am i doing a good job of that?

because sometimes you don't seem so happy with me.

how you could be happy with me baffles me.

so i don't know.

i'm not happy with myself... haha.

i'm not happy at all right now.

right now i feel like i'm choking

i just want to lie in bed

listen to music

sit there

fall asleep

and wake up and everything is better

everything is the same:

you love me, i love you.

you won't leave me

i'm good to you.

i'm not good to you now.

it's like i'm not happy until someone is sad.

wow. that's not love.

thats selfish.

i'm selfish.

you hear that?

i'm a selfish bitch.

who isn't capable of loving anyone.

wow... i sure hope i'm just lying to myself.

but i'm not so sure.

love and happiness.

the most difficult emotions for me to actually feel.

//written 30May2009.//