I love these roads where the houses don't change.
Fix it, nigga. Right? My mind is a huge pot of sauce, and I don't know if adding more stuff will help. I do that, don't I? I say, "Oh, here, let's add this and this and this and this." I can't write, I can't function. I don't like when I get like this. It makes me hate talking, or hearing other people talk. It makes me yearn to be alone, but then crave interaction. It makes everything backwards and reversed and rewinding. It makes waterfalls shoot up, clouds rain on the atmosphere. It's not okay like this. It's not okay to feel like I'm on something when I'm sober. Mania.
Mania. When ghost alcohol runs through my blood, I scream in my car, I drive twice the speed limit. I can't stop. I keep going, going, smoke the next cigarette, find the next person to be around, find something to destroy yourself. Cut yourself. Kill yourself. Do something new. Try it once. My mind races, my heart races, I struggle in my bed like I'm in a straight jacket. I toss, make noises. Can't sit or stand or watch or listen. I can't do anything. I make lists, tell myself I'll get up and do this or that, but something brings me down. The up. Everything becomes spongy, like the moon, and I can feel fake laughter frothing at my teeth. I feel like a hound in the night, ready to take off when the patrol guard comes around with his net. It's mania, it's crazy. It's weird these days because I can see it for what it is. I used to think I was just different. I don't know what I am. My heart hurts at the thought of silence. I want to talk but I know once I do, I'll hate myself. I hate myself even when I don't. It's a never ending, fucked up nightmare. Spiral up, Spiral down. One minute I care, the next I sleep the days away. I don't eat, forget to shower, or just don't. Everything becomes a mess, I try to lose my mind, I call him and cry and feel sick and funny. I don't know I don't know I don't know. I want a hug right now. I just want a hug. That's all. I want a hug and someone on the phone. On and on I go, but you know what really helps? Self pity does NOT. NO, NO, NO!!!! Working my ass off. Throwing my all into something nice. My first broken heart carried me all the way to the fucking podium. So fuck the haters. I just need a little reminder: FUCK. YOU. I'm going to make something of myself. I'm going to learn. I'm going to laugh. And all of you who don't think I will, you'll fucking see me race ahead. I have determination. FUCK DEPRESSION. I need to write my paper, turn it in, then find something to do. I'll be okay. I'm so crazy, but I just want to fly and be me. I know one day someone will get that. I'm not as scared as I was when I was younger. Being young is really hard. Its get better. (Joke.) You don't need anybody. You don't need anybody. There will be a person, many people even, who can see me and be okay with it. My dad. I think of him. He still loves me no matter who I am. And I grew up telling myself, he has to. It's his job. But now I see it's really not. There's so many shitty parents who don't love their kids. I was just lucky. I am so lucky. I want to stop wanting. But the things is, and we all know, it's not going to stop. Ever. I've always been like this, and I always will be. I will always have depression, always have mania, always not want to trust. But I need to know how to deal with those demons. I've gotten a lot better. Remember when I used to lay in bed all day? Remember when I'd cry and drink and self harm and feel like shit over some boy? I'm better now. I smile sometimes, even. Don't tell me I'm not beautiful. I am gorgeous. Tomorrow I will look nice, I will be nice. Tonight, Jessi, who is an honest girl, said I make her happy. I look at her and see how beautiful her face is. She's a person who is real. She's gorgeous, so you'd think otherwise. She's awkward at times, happy, bubbling, unsure, but fuck she is a nice person. She wants to be liked, but she wants to be good. She reminds me of myself. She said I make her happy. Wow. That's an honor.
Friday, March 21, 2014
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Papa May Have
Billie Holiday.
Can we all just, not?
Must people come through at 5 minutes to close and order something, then bitch about it? Maybe it's just me, but sometimes I truly hate people. I miss Ryan. Fuck feelings. My chest hurts. I hope that egg was okay. Hm. Hm. Paranoia. I just can't seem to sleep until late late at night. I paint, read, watch shows, write, sit, whatever, but it doesn't work. My stomach is growling and I know I'm in a horrible fix. I think about death when I read, sometimes. How odd it would be to not be. Be to not be. I adore thoughts of passion, of lips and legs and hair and coffee days. It's all too good for me, but I will better myself. Drugs? Okay. Alcohol? Okay. I just can't sleep. Don't you see: this life isn't all nine to five work five to ten zombie ten to six sleep six to nine pretty up. It's two: love; three: mistakes; four: crash the car; five: drive me home in the rain. I'll never be the same. Not after Joe, my first boyfriend, Zach, my first love, and Ryan, my first friend. I'll remember these people when I'm old and have nothing to talk about but my past. I'll talk about Jenna and our 6 years of friendship. I'll talk about Gmo, the first real asswipe I ever got involved with. I'll talk about Richard Gamez and his conspiracy theories and Vietnam stories. I'll talk about Kelly and Becca and Rayna and all the people I didn't like at first then did. I am so so so tired. I will only get 4.5 hours of sleep tonight. At most. Maybe only 4. This isn't good. I want physical touch, want to cuddle, just unwind and fucking watch Netflix with Ryan or go get a fucking massage or whatever. I hate the public. I hate middle aged women with dyed hair and frosted highlights and purple jackets and big chunky jewelry and a constant need for white mocha sauce. I hate little kids who scream into the voice box, I REALLY hate awkward, snooty, unsure-of-themselves-overly-happy teenagers who think every moment is their big moment. I hate feeling so much pressure to do my work a certain way when I know if I was just left alone like I am with good shifts, I'd be able to get stuff done quicker. When I'm losing my shit, I'm not more productive. Hell, tonight I was slow and cranky. Yes. But fuck, I'm a human. If we've lost that concept in retail, I'm confused. I don't go to restaurants and treat waiters like shit. I don't go to coffee shops and think that I am fucking owed free shit or heavenly service just because I'm shelling out several bucks for a drink. Yeah, treat me with respect. Yeah, do your best. Cool. But don't fucking dehumanize me, or come around telling me my coworkers "paid" you for a drink that was always (really, ALWAYS?) made wrong... first, fix your fucking grammar. You paid them. Fuck. Seriously? Don't waste my time, please. There's people behind you in line. It's like, I'd love to give you free shit, but yeah, not really. You don't fucking deserve it!! You really expected me to give you something. And when I didn't, you ASKED for it?? Nerve. Wow. Ugh. And you, fucking sprawling out all over our lobby with your kid and his PSP making noise every 5 seconds, PLEASE LEAVE. SERIOUSLY. YOU DO NOT LIVE HERE. YOU ARE NOT DOING ANYTHING PRODUCTIVE LIKE WORK OR STUDY. YOU'RE JUST TAKING UP SPACE IN THE NICE LOBBY CHAIRS. KBYE??? Okay this is moving to Tumblrrr.
Can we all just, not?
Must people come through at 5 minutes to close and order something, then bitch about it? Maybe it's just me, but sometimes I truly hate people. I miss Ryan. Fuck feelings. My chest hurts. I hope that egg was okay. Hm. Hm. Paranoia. I just can't seem to sleep until late late at night. I paint, read, watch shows, write, sit, whatever, but it doesn't work. My stomach is growling and I know I'm in a horrible fix. I think about death when I read, sometimes. How odd it would be to not be. Be to not be. I adore thoughts of passion, of lips and legs and hair and coffee days. It's all too good for me, but I will better myself. Drugs? Okay. Alcohol? Okay. I just can't sleep. Don't you see: this life isn't all nine to five work five to ten zombie ten to six sleep six to nine pretty up. It's two: love; three: mistakes; four: crash the car; five: drive me home in the rain. I'll never be the same. Not after Joe, my first boyfriend, Zach, my first love, and Ryan, my first friend. I'll remember these people when I'm old and have nothing to talk about but my past. I'll talk about Jenna and our 6 years of friendship. I'll talk about Gmo, the first real asswipe I ever got involved with. I'll talk about Richard Gamez and his conspiracy theories and Vietnam stories. I'll talk about Kelly and Becca and Rayna and all the people I didn't like at first then did. I am so so so tired. I will only get 4.5 hours of sleep tonight. At most. Maybe only 4. This isn't good. I want physical touch, want to cuddle, just unwind and fucking watch Netflix with Ryan or go get a fucking massage or whatever. I hate the public. I hate middle aged women with dyed hair and frosted highlights and purple jackets and big chunky jewelry and a constant need for white mocha sauce. I hate little kids who scream into the voice box, I REALLY hate awkward, snooty, unsure-of-themselves-overly-happy teenagers who think every moment is their big moment. I hate feeling so much pressure to do my work a certain way when I know if I was just left alone like I am with good shifts, I'd be able to get stuff done quicker. When I'm losing my shit, I'm not more productive. Hell, tonight I was slow and cranky. Yes. But fuck, I'm a human. If we've lost that concept in retail, I'm confused. I don't go to restaurants and treat waiters like shit. I don't go to coffee shops and think that I am fucking owed free shit or heavenly service just because I'm shelling out several bucks for a drink. Yeah, treat me with respect. Yeah, do your best. Cool. But don't fucking dehumanize me, or come around telling me my coworkers "paid" you for a drink that was always (really, ALWAYS?) made wrong... first, fix your fucking grammar. You paid them. Fuck. Seriously? Don't waste my time, please. There's people behind you in line. It's like, I'd love to give you free shit, but yeah, not really. You don't fucking deserve it!! You really expected me to give you something. And when I didn't, you ASKED for it?? Nerve. Wow. Ugh. And you, fucking sprawling out all over our lobby with your kid and his PSP making noise every 5 seconds, PLEASE LEAVE. SERIOUSLY. YOU DO NOT LIVE HERE. YOU ARE NOT DOING ANYTHING PRODUCTIVE LIKE WORK OR STUDY. YOU'RE JUST TAKING UP SPACE IN THE NICE LOBBY CHAIRS. KBYE??? Okay this is moving to Tumblrrr.
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Sexy
Oslo in the summertime.
I literally have no clue how to be sexy! I get all nervous and tense thinking about it. Argh. I guess I could wear a thong or I dunno. I suck at this. ARGH. Okay, nice underwear. That's important. Confidence. But like what do you say to be sexy? Like, "Hey there..." AH I DON'T KNOW!! I'M A PATHETIC VIRGIN!!! Okay. Okay. Remember, girlie, you are gorgeous and funny and smart and nice. You can rock those curves. Rock 'em. You're attractive. Yeah. Just make sure you have a full stomach and aren't too tired. Just be slow. Like seriously, I'm able to see all these things in my head and I'm like "Yeah damn, I'm a sexy bitch" but then in real life I freeze up and I'm like "OH MY GOD." Okay. Just breathe. You'll be okay. Stop being dorky. Oh my land I cannot do this. Okay, so I was dorky today. That's okay. It's okay. Later, just build it up. Don't be scared. He isn't scared to make some little itty bitty moves. Also, he's very sexy. SOMEBODY HELP ME! Why isn't there like a sex fairy that comes down and makes you good at being seductive? I hope Audrey is working on Friday or Saturday morning because I feel like she could give me good sex advice. She's gorgeous and confident and can be very sexy. Okay, yes. Keep calm and talk to Audrey. What is today, Wednesday? Yeah. So just make it through 2 more days of classes. Then on Friday, you'll have some answers. You can do it. Just breathe. You can do it. You can do it.
I literally have no clue how to be sexy! I get all nervous and tense thinking about it. Argh. I guess I could wear a thong or I dunno. I suck at this. ARGH. Okay, nice underwear. That's important. Confidence. But like what do you say to be sexy? Like, "Hey there..." AH I DON'T KNOW!! I'M A PATHETIC VIRGIN!!! Okay. Okay. Remember, girlie, you are gorgeous and funny and smart and nice. You can rock those curves. Rock 'em. You're attractive. Yeah. Just make sure you have a full stomach and aren't too tired. Just be slow. Like seriously, I'm able to see all these things in my head and I'm like "Yeah damn, I'm a sexy bitch" but then in real life I freeze up and I'm like "OH MY GOD." Okay. Just breathe. You'll be okay. Stop being dorky. Oh my land I cannot do this. Okay, so I was dorky today. That's okay. It's okay. Later, just build it up. Don't be scared. He isn't scared to make some little itty bitty moves. Also, he's very sexy. SOMEBODY HELP ME! Why isn't there like a sex fairy that comes down and makes you good at being seductive? I hope Audrey is working on Friday or Saturday morning because I feel like she could give me good sex advice. She's gorgeous and confident and can be very sexy. Okay, yes. Keep calm and talk to Audrey. What is today, Wednesday? Yeah. So just make it through 2 more days of classes. Then on Friday, you'll have some answers. You can do it. Just breathe. You can do it. You can do it.
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
Pitseleh
Everything I like's a little bit sweeter, a little bit fatter, a little bit harmful.
Pitseleh,
Never be like me. I am obsessed with the idea of being good. So obsessed that I forget to be good. I want so badly to be this person that changes things, the things I see but don't like. But at the same time, I've lived my ENTIRE life in fear of rejection. That's how I live and it is horrible. I expect everyone to walk out on me at any given moment. Even with their word, it's always nagging in the back of my mind, that they're gonna abandon me if I do a certain thing wrong. I think to myself, "Be careful. This will be the last straw, and then they'll be gone. You can't mess this up." Can I tell you that this is literally the worst feeling to have, long term, in the whole world? It's a gripping fear that ruins every relationship you have. It especially sucks with closer relationships. Like in my relationship with Zach, I *always* thought he was going to leave me. I loved him a lot, but I was always afraid. With Guillermo, he would make me worried, saying stuff like, "I don't know if we can be friends," like every day. It was stupid, and manipulative. It's pretty disgusting. If anyone treats you like that, drop them. You are worth so much more than someone who keep saying they don't really wanna be your friend. Real friends will be there for you and won't hold the friendship over your head like some prize you have to win. Real friends will share in good moments with you; it's about give and take. I'm probably not the best person to ask, though. So far, I haven't really had that many friends. I dunno. I'm getting down on myself today, little one, because I work too much. I work 25 hours a week, usually terrible hours like waking up at 4 am, going to bed super late because my sleep is fucked up, and by the end of the weekend I feel like a zombie. I love work because (some of) my coworkers are amazing people, but it is constant movement, constant work, constant interaction, constant stress. It's like 25 hours of midterms crammed together. Then come Monday, surprise surprise, I did none of my weekend homework. I sleep in late on Monday and miss my biology discussion, or I drive into UT and miss it, or something. Mondays I'm dead. Tuesdays, I start freaking out about all the stuff I need to get done and didn't. Tuesdays suck for that reason. Also, I get lonely on Tuesdays and I don't know why really. I like my classes, I just get really lonely at night and feel like going home. Sometimes I do. :-) Why not? Maybe I can make Tuesdays my "explore Austin" days. I don't know. Pitseleh, I don't regret my choices but right now is a bit of a dull time. I have a few friends: Katie (who I sosososo want to visit!), Ryan, Taylor, Dulce (my roommate...?), Siri?, my coworkers?, Cella, Zack, RJ, don't really really know who else. My dogs? Heh. Whatever. I'm just trying my best, working my ass off, trying to keep up with classes, seeing friends. I just don't know. I get lonely here because I don't really know anyone. I don't have a group of friends. I did once, at Notre Dame, and I didn't like it. Maybe I'm just not a "group" kinda person. I'm more like a 2-3 people person, or whatever. I'm an introvert! But anyways, today was tough, I was hating on myself because I put off so much stuff. I fell asleep last night at 9:30 pm while studying for Bio and woke up at 9 am, almost late for Statistics. I hadn't been to class in like 2 weeks so I was so lost. Then my bio test went *okay* but I was frustrated because I enjoy that class and feel like I could have done so much better. Like, I'm finally realizing that I really am smart. In high school, I thought I was stupid but I worked REALLY hard and got good grades. Now, I'm realizing that I actually am pretty smart, but I'm so tired of putting in the effort. It's frustrating because I love learning, I just hate studying. I've changed so much. But I'm still finding my way, Pitseleh. Can I call you Sel, Seleh, Leh? I like Leh. Yes, I'm finding my way. Growing up is extremely painful. You'll go through some shitty year where you feel like you'll never really smile or laugh or have fun again. I rarely laugh, but when I actually really laugh a true laugh, it feels so beautiful, like love. It makes me appreciate it. I feel like I get good graces in small ways, and I appreciate them. I love my friends dearly, the ones who have seen me through hard times and crying. I love my coworkers. I love my family, although some of them can annoy me and honestly I don't like my brother. With all these things in my life, it's hard to focus sometimes. I've got all these people, and then classwork to do, then I have to go to work on time or Katie will behead me. And that's my life right now, love. It will and has changed over time. Don't get stuck in a time, there's more to be learned. I just was so upset today about how I really don't have anyone here, and I walk around all alone all the time, and how I just want to pour out love to every little human I see on Speedway or whatever. How I wish I could read all the papers, know everything, be intelligent, be graceful, be assertive enough to actually lose my virginity. I was raised meek. I will not raise you to be meek. You will have a voice, and you will know when to use it. My parents didn't do a bad job with me, I just wish some things were different. I have a weird relationship with my parents. I see my dad as a cool guy to talk to and whatnot, well intentioned, and my mom is a good person who can say horribly mean things (like calling me a slut, stupid, stuff like that) but I think they did try their best. It probably wasn't easy to raise me partially after Chris. Things will fuck you over, Pitseleh. Things that come before you and are out of your control. The past can be your present at times. Please realize these little things. It may not do anything for you in the short term, but in the long run, you will be powerful. I'm trying more and more to be powerful. It's really hard. I love you, did you know that? I won't tell you all the time, but I will tell you. I love you now, even as you don't exist, you are somewhere in the future. I love you so much. I don't know what I'm going to do until you're here. I feel like I can't go through life alone. I need you, and I need people who love me. They're here, but I'm blind sometimes. I always want the past, or a better future, but it's the hardest pill to swallow, saying where I am is good. What is wrong with me? I think I will never be satisfied, but it feels like dying to admit that this is good enough. It truly feels like a part of my heart withering away. It's always an internal battle: do I be good? Bad? I want to be good but I want to do bad things. It seems like I can never do what I want, I'm just not like that. It makes me honestly hate myself sometimes. I start to hate myself. A lot. Self-hate is ugly, and now it's stuck on my arms. My dad said I could get plastic surgery, but I dunno. I like my scars. I just wished other people did, too. I can't really show them to anyone but Ryan. I feel comfortable with my jacket off. I feel okay, like someone's friend, like a human. I feel like a freak covering myself up all the time. I'm so mad tonight, Pitseleh. I'm so, so, mad and it's beautiful. I don't know what to do with this emotion. I feel like it has a purpose. I will call Ryan later. I love you terribly, and you will get through everything just fine.
Yesterday I bought a lighter from a cashier at CVS and he said I'm going to start saying I'm old when I turn 21. I said I already feel old at 19. Then he told me that I'm still so young, and life is gonna be so good to me. Those words were blessed, and I'm an atheist.
Pitseleh,
Never be like me. I am obsessed with the idea of being good. So obsessed that I forget to be good. I want so badly to be this person that changes things, the things I see but don't like. But at the same time, I've lived my ENTIRE life in fear of rejection. That's how I live and it is horrible. I expect everyone to walk out on me at any given moment. Even with their word, it's always nagging in the back of my mind, that they're gonna abandon me if I do a certain thing wrong. I think to myself, "Be careful. This will be the last straw, and then they'll be gone. You can't mess this up." Can I tell you that this is literally the worst feeling to have, long term, in the whole world? It's a gripping fear that ruins every relationship you have. It especially sucks with closer relationships. Like in my relationship with Zach, I *always* thought he was going to leave me. I loved him a lot, but I was always afraid. With Guillermo, he would make me worried, saying stuff like, "I don't know if we can be friends," like every day. It was stupid, and manipulative. It's pretty disgusting. If anyone treats you like that, drop them. You are worth so much more than someone who keep saying they don't really wanna be your friend. Real friends will be there for you and won't hold the friendship over your head like some prize you have to win. Real friends will share in good moments with you; it's about give and take. I'm probably not the best person to ask, though. So far, I haven't really had that many friends. I dunno. I'm getting down on myself today, little one, because I work too much. I work 25 hours a week, usually terrible hours like waking up at 4 am, going to bed super late because my sleep is fucked up, and by the end of the weekend I feel like a zombie. I love work because (some of) my coworkers are amazing people, but it is constant movement, constant work, constant interaction, constant stress. It's like 25 hours of midterms crammed together. Then come Monday, surprise surprise, I did none of my weekend homework. I sleep in late on Monday and miss my biology discussion, or I drive into UT and miss it, or something. Mondays I'm dead. Tuesdays, I start freaking out about all the stuff I need to get done and didn't. Tuesdays suck for that reason. Also, I get lonely on Tuesdays and I don't know why really. I like my classes, I just get really lonely at night and feel like going home. Sometimes I do. :-) Why not? Maybe I can make Tuesdays my "explore Austin" days. I don't know. Pitseleh, I don't regret my choices but right now is a bit of a dull time. I have a few friends: Katie (who I sosososo want to visit!), Ryan, Taylor, Dulce (my roommate...?), Siri?, my coworkers?, Cella, Zack, RJ, don't really really know who else. My dogs? Heh. Whatever. I'm just trying my best, working my ass off, trying to keep up with classes, seeing friends. I just don't know. I get lonely here because I don't really know anyone. I don't have a group of friends. I did once, at Notre Dame, and I didn't like it. Maybe I'm just not a "group" kinda person. I'm more like a 2-3 people person, or whatever. I'm an introvert! But anyways, today was tough, I was hating on myself because I put off so much stuff. I fell asleep last night at 9:30 pm while studying for Bio and woke up at 9 am, almost late for Statistics. I hadn't been to class in like 2 weeks so I was so lost. Then my bio test went *okay* but I was frustrated because I enjoy that class and feel like I could have done so much better. Like, I'm finally realizing that I really am smart. In high school, I thought I was stupid but I worked REALLY hard and got good grades. Now, I'm realizing that I actually am pretty smart, but I'm so tired of putting in the effort. It's frustrating because I love learning, I just hate studying. I've changed so much. But I'm still finding my way, Pitseleh. Can I call you Sel, Seleh, Leh? I like Leh. Yes, I'm finding my way. Growing up is extremely painful. You'll go through some shitty year where you feel like you'll never really smile or laugh or have fun again. I rarely laugh, but when I actually really laugh a true laugh, it feels so beautiful, like love. It makes me appreciate it. I feel like I get good graces in small ways, and I appreciate them. I love my friends dearly, the ones who have seen me through hard times and crying. I love my coworkers. I love my family, although some of them can annoy me and honestly I don't like my brother. With all these things in my life, it's hard to focus sometimes. I've got all these people, and then classwork to do, then I have to go to work on time or Katie will behead me. And that's my life right now, love. It will and has changed over time. Don't get stuck in a time, there's more to be learned. I just was so upset today about how I really don't have anyone here, and I walk around all alone all the time, and how I just want to pour out love to every little human I see on Speedway or whatever. How I wish I could read all the papers, know everything, be intelligent, be graceful, be assertive enough to actually lose my virginity. I was raised meek. I will not raise you to be meek. You will have a voice, and you will know when to use it. My parents didn't do a bad job with me, I just wish some things were different. I have a weird relationship with my parents. I see my dad as a cool guy to talk to and whatnot, well intentioned, and my mom is a good person who can say horribly mean things (like calling me a slut, stupid, stuff like that) but I think they did try their best. It probably wasn't easy to raise me partially after Chris. Things will fuck you over, Pitseleh. Things that come before you and are out of your control. The past can be your present at times. Please realize these little things. It may not do anything for you in the short term, but in the long run, you will be powerful. I'm trying more and more to be powerful. It's really hard. I love you, did you know that? I won't tell you all the time, but I will tell you. I love you now, even as you don't exist, you are somewhere in the future. I love you so much. I don't know what I'm going to do until you're here. I feel like I can't go through life alone. I need you, and I need people who love me. They're here, but I'm blind sometimes. I always want the past, or a better future, but it's the hardest pill to swallow, saying where I am is good. What is wrong with me? I think I will never be satisfied, but it feels like dying to admit that this is good enough. It truly feels like a part of my heart withering away. It's always an internal battle: do I be good? Bad? I want to be good but I want to do bad things. It seems like I can never do what I want, I'm just not like that. It makes me honestly hate myself sometimes. I start to hate myself. A lot. Self-hate is ugly, and now it's stuck on my arms. My dad said I could get plastic surgery, but I dunno. I like my scars. I just wished other people did, too. I can't really show them to anyone but Ryan. I feel comfortable with my jacket off. I feel okay, like someone's friend, like a human. I feel like a freak covering myself up all the time. I'm so mad tonight, Pitseleh. I'm so, so, mad and it's beautiful. I don't know what to do with this emotion. I feel like it has a purpose. I will call Ryan later. I love you terribly, and you will get through everything just fine.
Yesterday I bought a lighter from a cashier at CVS and he said I'm going to start saying I'm old when I turn 21. I said I already feel old at 19. Then he told me that I'm still so young, and life is gonna be so good to me. Those words were blessed, and I'm an atheist.
Monday, February 17, 2014
OKAY
Okay I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna tell him. We have to talk about this because literally I'm dying so either he can like help me out or give me some suggestions because IM DYING. This is torture! Argh... I'm tired of waiting. !!!!!!
Sin Palabras, Es Mejor Asi
No se ve, pero siento que...
I need affection. I'm finding that just as not only a human but as Bianca, me, I need certain things. Food, sleep, water. Shelter, love. Things I've had. Experience. Now, sex. Affection. Good conversation. Relaxation. Sometimes I do get very annoyed at myself, especially when I start to stand up for myself. It's like I've been primed to be a sweet nothing wisp, then when I break out of that, I feel horrible. So odd to feel horrible for that. It'd be nice to not feel like that, to not feel like people are staring at you or thinking of you in a certain way. It'd be nice to see the world for what it is. I don't need to conform to any one certain group. I like what I like, so I should be who I am. That takes strength. Because naturally, we want others to like us. I do want people to like me. But I'm realizing that self-respect is more important. I can't let people walk all over me or be rude in what they say. I'm very loyal to a person once I've seen their goodness, but I've learned a bit of how to be good to me, too.
Things I wish:
I wish I really had a best friend.
I wish I could have sex. Like now. ARGH I AM SO SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED WHY DID I WAIT SO LONG TO HAVE SEX NOT WORTH THE WAIT AT ALL ARGH I WILL HURT SOMEONE but I'm so shy!! AAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH I HATE BEING HUMAN AND HAVING HORMONES. I'M LIKE A FUCKING 13 YEAR OLD BOY!!
Thursday, February 13, 2014
Fields of Gold
We'll forget the sun and its jealous sky.
I remember how at Notre Dame I would listen to that song and think about Zach and our house and how much I loved him. I really loved him so much. I was crazy for that kid. And I do miss our house. I want so badly to go back there with him. It'd be fun to film us playing some songs there. This song actually makes my heart hurt a lot, just remembering those days. Today in class a lovely lady named Sylvia Donley played some songs. I told her my name and that I was a musician and she told me to come to an event and bring my guitar; it's later in April. She was very nice. She was divorced, but I don't know why. She's really pretty and funny. But then again, it is 2014.
I was thinking about you tonight, Ryan. I feel a nice feeling towards you, something like tenderness and humanity. I remember how you make me teas and sandwiches and you'd take care of me. I feel safe around you. I feel like the world can't hurt me. You made me take my hands away from my face, you tell me not to be embarrassed. You're kind. I feel okay in your arms, and I like feeling your warmth. I like your heart, feeling it beat. I like your breath, too. I like a lot about you, that sometimes I wanna cry. I'll always remember you. I hope if I die, someone will find these words so you can know how much I loved you. I tried to tell you in that letter, but it just goes beyond that. I will remember you as a beautiful person. The first friend to really show me kindness. You say you're glad we're still friends, and I am, too. I like to talk with you. Give and take. We are good to each other in a world that can be mean. You told me once to shut up, I told you many times I hated you. But then we hug each other goodbye and I speed off in my car, ride down 620, smoke a cigarette, and all those people don't matter. The people who hurt me, who ignore me, who call me bad things. They can't hurt me. My god how I wish all good things for you. I want so much for you to be happy. I wish I knew all the words to make you happy. I wish I knew how to make you never sad or guilty or dislike yourself. If I could make you see your loveliness, I don't think you'd be sad again. I miss some things about you, but please stay with me. Infatuation never lasts. Friendship might. I hope to see you soon.
I remember how at Notre Dame I would listen to that song and think about Zach and our house and how much I loved him. I really loved him so much. I was crazy for that kid. And I do miss our house. I want so badly to go back there with him. It'd be fun to film us playing some songs there. This song actually makes my heart hurt a lot, just remembering those days. Today in class a lovely lady named Sylvia Donley played some songs. I told her my name and that I was a musician and she told me to come to an event and bring my guitar; it's later in April. She was very nice. She was divorced, but I don't know why. She's really pretty and funny. But then again, it is 2014.
I was thinking about you tonight, Ryan. I feel a nice feeling towards you, something like tenderness and humanity. I remember how you make me teas and sandwiches and you'd take care of me. I feel safe around you. I feel like the world can't hurt me. You made me take my hands away from my face, you tell me not to be embarrassed. You're kind. I feel okay in your arms, and I like feeling your warmth. I like your heart, feeling it beat. I like your breath, too. I like a lot about you, that sometimes I wanna cry. I'll always remember you. I hope if I die, someone will find these words so you can know how much I loved you. I tried to tell you in that letter, but it just goes beyond that. I will remember you as a beautiful person. The first friend to really show me kindness. You say you're glad we're still friends, and I am, too. I like to talk with you. Give and take. We are good to each other in a world that can be mean. You told me once to shut up, I told you many times I hated you. But then we hug each other goodbye and I speed off in my car, ride down 620, smoke a cigarette, and all those people don't matter. The people who hurt me, who ignore me, who call me bad things. They can't hurt me. My god how I wish all good things for you. I want so much for you to be happy. I wish I knew all the words to make you happy. I wish I knew how to make you never sad or guilty or dislike yourself. If I could make you see your loveliness, I don't think you'd be sad again. I miss some things about you, but please stay with me. Infatuation never lasts. Friendship might. I hope to see you soon.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
