An Atheist

I don't know how to feel anymore.

I kind of fucking love being an atheist.

But then when you take something and turn it into a God and you know it's not, something fucking personal and beautiful and perfect, and you glorify it so much that you talk about it in the same terms that Christians talk about God, well that is just horrible. You're destroying a whole point, to run from God. From that captivity. I have myself, I am a universe. I am my universe. I craft myself, shape myself, and what happens is all my fault and all deserved, all beauty and luck and grace and disgust and hate. I am a factory. I am nothing, everything. I do nothing. I want nothing.

There are so many groups for Christians here on campus. I understand, since I was a Christian (and a rather hardcore one at that) once, it can be so difficult. People don't understand the faith, they ridicule it at times. It can be difficult. So people form group (why are there like 20 of them?) to feel united against misconceptions. But what about the atheists? Why isn't there an atheist group? We're just as confused and fucked up as all of you, we're humans too. I don't really *really* define myself as an atheist, only for practical reasons.

One thing I know from therapy is that I think I'm better at talking myself out of something than I really am. Intelligent people see right through me. Right right right through me. You can't fucking mess with me and act like you have something better to do, because I know you're just fucking with me. Why why why am I like this? I share myself with so few people in hopes they'll love me. Are they going to leave me? I get scared. I need to tell him: just please, please don't abandon me. I will not try to hurt you. Don't abandon me.

I think I'm a puppy. Kicked like, "Fucking love me okay? Just love me." One day I think someone will. People do already, which is amazing. Default love, parent love. But stop thinking of it that way. If I could, I'd feel so much better inside.

Green Eyes, Green Eyes

YOU ARE FUCKING ADORABLE. I HATE YOU. I LOVE YOU.

Green eyes, I'd run away with you.
Green eyes, you're the one that I wanted to find.

I wonder if when you grow up, you know how the light outside at 10 pm looks like the light at 4 am, but you know it's 10 pm because the air is different, the trees feel lighter and sadder and more beautiful. I think when I'm old, if I can still feel those silent changes in nature, I will be a good person. I notice a lot more now, about everyone. I sat my butt down today on the only dry spot in the back of my little strip mall, right up next to the Charming Charlie door. I was afraid an employee would open it. I also say Rayna today. She is adorable! Making friends isn't so astonishing. Remember how hard life used to be? It was impossible to get out of bed, to lift my fingers to my cigarette. I'd see blood and bullets going through my head when I closed my eyes, I'd convulse in the arms of anybody who I could trust for a night. I cannot begin to fathom the amount of goodness I've had this past 8 months. Things were so horrible, but I've learned a LOT. It was a painful journey, but I made it to this plateau. I can rest my bones for a bit, but I know there's more ahead. I'm scared, but I have some faith in myself. I made it through. I've made it through a lot of shitty times, but I'm okay. Got a few scars to show, but they are mainly exterior. Those can be covered up. I am planning my sleeve now! I'm thinking this spring.

Strange Mercy

I'll be with you lost boys, sneaking out where the shivers won't find you.

I smiled tonight thinking about that time I went over to your house on Halloween and we ended up messing around more than usual. Even though I know it didn't feel right at the time, and I was just doing it because I was upset, I don't regret it. I've been so personal with you, mentally, emotionally, physically, every way. I've been honest and transparent with you, because you asked me to. You gave a fuck. I remember when I woke up to you kissing my face all over, and I pretended to stay asleep for a bunch longer so you'd keep doing it. It was very sweet. You're a sweet boy, even when you're imperfect and an asshole or something. I think you're very sweet, but I sometimes think you're unsure of what you really want. That's fine. We're all unsure. Just remember that some people will get hurt by you along the way, no matter how hard you try to make everyone happy. I don't want to hear anything about her, I want to hear about you. You're what matters to me. I don't want to be jealous or bad. I just want to be good to you, and I'm glad that I am so far. I ask you for favors, to drive me places when I'm high or in a bad situation, to talk to me when I need someone, to watch TV with me when I want to die. I am so glad we became friends, even if it's for a short time, (but I hope not!). I remember before I met you, I was afraid to stop being friends with Gmo because I thought I wouldn't meet anyone as good. Then I met you and you fucking blew that piece of shit out of the water. Thanks for being you <3 don="" even="" if="" love="" me.="" p="" t="" you="">
So tomorrow I must wake up, buy cigarettes, mints, gum, water, go to Starbucks and get breakfast, drive down to UT, park (WHERE--FUCK), go to orientation, figure stuff out, go home, SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP!!!!!!

Best Fine Surgeon

Get along get along get along.

I am still feeling a bit wobbly from the other night. That stuff lasts like 24+ hours on me. Unfortunately the day ended up crazy and yeah, some things to take care of, but nothing I can't handle. I'm recovering, feeling a bit better each hour. Of course I realized some things, but I dunno if right now is the right time to say them. I don't feel any cooler. That's my last time tripping on DXM. Time to move on. I don't see the point in continuing DXM use longterm unless I'm not suffering from a mood disorder. The trip didn't bring me enough realization to be beneficial, given the severe risks. Longterm DXM use can be very serious for someone like me. I just wanted to get a feel for the trip, it was quite odd. I prefer the comedown. The actual trip was weird as shit. I will not lie and say I don't have a desire to try higher doses (I took 354mg, pretty low) to experience other plateaus, but the risk there for my health is too great. I can't quite imagine recovering from a trip that intense easily. Even recovering from this one has been tough, tougher than last time (last time I took around 150mg). The 354 dose seemed even to be too much. If I were to continue, which I doubt I will, I'd go for 150mg doses again. Easier to keep hold of your mind that way. Plus, if you have to drive or interact with people, it's not as difficult. I was able to interact fairly easily on that. The sun is coming out right now. It's quite glorious outside... I want to go back to sleep though. I went to sleep early, like 11 pm. I woke up at 6:30... Ah! My sleep schedule is fucked! Luckily I don't work until 6pm tonight. That'll give me ample time to eat, relax, figure some shit out, go to work, watch Breaking Bad and MORE!!!

Okay I am very high on DXM right now. What should I say to remember this feeling and moment?

Everything is okay. The universe has you. This seems like forever, too surreal, but something is coming and it will take your mind tonight. Keep moving forward, learn more, be good. What IS life? I need to expand my brains!!! I want to do everything so well: work, school, friends, fun, self, what else. I cannot. I feel like there is soooo much more in here. Nobody sees it. How are we expected to live in this world when something was created that makes our minds like this, theres no God, but holy fuck, why would our minds have this capability? This is a large capability. I hear cars outside my window and I just DON'T KNOW. Life is an okay thing. I will live it, expire, yada yada. When did I realize how odd it is to grow old? I was going to tell somebody. Was it tonight? The problem is that when you are high, it feels like you've been this way your whole life. It's childhood. I am convinced. The universe works in a funny way sometimes WOW look at who I am now. What am I doing? I looked at myself like  a little girl but I have crossed over a threshold. Its time for me to become me. I realize it. For so long I sat around, I still do, to be everything but me. But that's the rub. Who I am. Who would create such a fucked up world with so many unanswered questions? I grew up being told hey there's a god there's a god but wow, I dunno. I just like being warm. :) And I like food!! I have a banana and a Clif bar with me, it's my tripping food. Haaaahaaaaa. I am so weird. Lol. The banana feels funny like slimy. Its good though. IT IS, after all, A BANANA. Now we move to ze Clif bar (I F E E L K I N D O F L I K E E V E R Y T H I N G W I L L G E T M E I N T R O U B L E ~~~~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) The clif bar feels big and puffy.

Another

Are you gonna stay the night?

I really like boys. Teehee.

I hope I fall asleep early tonight. I hope I watch something cool tonight. I hope I get my tips tonight. I hope I do something worthwhile this year.

Did I do something worthwhile in 2013?

HELL YES.

But now it's time to move on to bigger and better things. I'm thinking international. I really, really am.

Seventeen Cold Showers

Save me from what I want.

Here's the truth:

I hate the smell of my dad's New Years cooking. I hate it more than you know. It may be because of New Years 2008 when I had the stomach flu and that smell made me feel worse. I've always hated it. So much that I can barely eat the meal, and the smell in the house just kind of makes me depressed.

I don't think many of my friends have loved me proper, but I can name a few. I think Jenna really did show me love, at least now. Back in high school, things sucked. I always felt shitty. I'm getting better and I know it, so I'm trying to not freak out right now and get on a plane to France or slice my wrists open. There are times when I feel very confident in myself and like I could do anything, go anywhere, be anybody. It's the loveliest thing ever, even lovelier than watching Sherlock with Ryan. Ryan has shown me love. He is such a good guy, I can see it. He has been a good friend to me, not lied, I have not lied to him. He is maybe the best friendship I have had a taste of. I am grateful for him and what he has taught me, how he has treated me. It sounds quite silly, but when I am talking to him I see in his eyes kindness. The same kindness I saw that first night we became friends, the kindness that to this day scares me. I don't need to be perfect for him, because I have been bad and he is still here. I'm not scared like I was before. I know how to be with him. Not everything is that nice in my life, in fact a lot of things are complete shit. It's good to know I have some very very very very very good things. 

The truth is this as well: depression is odd. I feel like I have very little control, like a monster is living inside of me. Every single day is a struggle. Every single day. I go to sleep not knowing who I will wake up as, I wake up not knowing how the night will end. If I will hurt myself or anyone else. All the lovely things in the world couldn't change it, really. It's all in my head, a place untouched. I am so, so, so scared of depression. Even when I'm happy, I can't really be, because I know I'll come down. I hope one day that goes away. That, more than ANYTHING else. A lot has improved, so I think life does that for you. If you just agree to live in and stick with it, it will make you better. You just can't give up in the hard times. It's like when you're born, life makes a deal with you: I'll help you, I'll let you be happy, if you can just get through the shit with or without grace. :-) I don't know why, but I do what I want a lot. I'm still unhappy. I don't even know what I am. I know I'm not okay. I'm so weird and confused and lonely and stressed and bored and wired and sleepy and hungry and depressed and excited and everything everything everything under the sun WHY CAN'T I JUST BE OKAY?!?!?! Why can't a magical genie come down from the fucking sky and say "You're okay now!!!!" ???? PLEASE? Nights like these, I just want to stop everything and know why life has to be like this. I'm not good at life. There are things I internalize then uninternalize. Why is that? I just realize: Ryan and I talk about our feelings together. I don't know why that amuses me so much in this moment. He isn't even the cutest guy ever or whatever, I didn't see him and go " O H H O T D A M N I W A N N A T A P D A T ! !" or whatever. I saw him and I was like "Oh wow he smiles a lot. Wow he's annoying. He's always happy and stuff. Ewh. Why does he always try to be funny and be a leader? Ewh. He reminds me of Zach. That sucks cuz I miss Zach. He's kinda cute I guess, a little. Juan Carlos is cuter. But he's okay. Cuter than Levi. Maybe not. I dunno, but maybe I wanna talk to him more. I could see us maybe being friends, but he's too cool for me and he does drugs and went to public school, and I'm lame. Oh wow, okay so he's flirting with me. What do I do now? I'm so confused. Why must you do this odd person? You fluster me and confuse me garrr. You seem cool. You don't really talk to me. Okay now you do. Hello. Oh wow, you can keep an intelligent conversation. You are refreshing. Okay. Oh wow. Okay. Yes, we are friends now. And the rest is history." That's basically how it went. Now I love his face because it's familiar and friendly and his eyes are the scariest, most honest things I've seen in this world. They show everything, especially when his smile is fake. I love love love when he is smiling for real. I love it so much you don't even know, because he is too good to be unhappy. He deserves happiness, and I hope he finds the love of his life and becomes the father he wants to be and does everything within his power and within his lifetime to be a good, full person. I can't do any of that for him, it's for him to do. But dear god I wish it for him. I don't regret anything that's happened in our friendship. He tries so hard, and I understand now. How he keeps going. It's hard, yea. I know because I do the same thing. He's smart, mature, but boring in the most not boring way ever. If there's a person out there who doesn't fucking love that boy to bits and mistreats him, I will hurt them like a motherfucker. No one is allowed to hurt Ryan. He's beautiful.

Anyyyyyyyyyyyways.

I need to get out of my house more. I dunno. I work a lot. I get lots of moneeeeyyy. I need to spend it on something useful, other than covering up my stupid mistakes. I'm so silly. I'm learning, though. Getting better, more confident. I can totally see myself being awesome. Like super confident and stuff, in myself. I just gotta get there. I'm only 19, and this is a weird time in my life. It's a time where I really have to think for myself. Cray cray. Amazeballs. Cut open my sternum and pull my little ribs around you.

I hate cleaning now. Sometimes we are all sad, sometimes we are all happy. Anybody who seems okay all  the time is either always high or just completely fucked up inside or maybe just a really good liar. I dunno. I'm not worse off or better off, everyone's struggling and learning. I wish I could really see that, I think it would make me feel a LOT better. I need to make friends with real people. That helps. It helps me see we're all not so different. I sometimes feel like "Yeah I rock at interacting with humanity" and other times I shut myself up in my room like a depressed nun and cry and cut myself and do stupid pointless stuff. Indulge in my dark side I guess. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO BE ME AROUND PEOPLE I'M NOT THAT CLOSE TO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love when people I know really well are awkward around people they know really well it makes me smile a lot and love them a lot and fuck fuck I love my friends a LOT. Why is having so friends so hard? I just ugh. I can't do LIFE. 

...........life. ................me. .............we are a failed relationship.

Horribly failed.