Monday, March 31, 2014
X
You walked into the light, pulled up your pants to show me your calf, I touched it, then you covered that up and started telling me more silly stuff. You are a brief moment in time, lost if it's not acknowledged or appreciated. You spill your thoughts out when you show me what's in every drawer. The contents of your history, the drugs, the drinking, the pain, the bad decisions and used up moments. You keep talking, talking, against what I say, you are stuck on that train and you don't know how to see yourself how I and your other friends see you. If you start talking about it, you go on and go for a while, the same stream of consciousness every time, and I don't know if you want me to give you an answer or worry for you or just accept you. I just accept you and try to love you best. You are a sweet person when you rest your head against mine, when you offer me food, when you say "okay", when your head is resting on my chest and I can hold it and feel your hair and we can be quiet and okay. I want you to feel love and goodness, and I know that you do. I'm here for you to talk to. I will get annoyed after a bit because I am human, but keep going. You give good comforting advice when you know how. When you don't, you try and say sorry. I like you sober, or tipsy, or drunk. I don't like you high. I also don't like you when I'm high. Your whip is in my drawer and I wanna look hot like Lights, so thanks. You're funny so I don't care if you bite my arm or touch my armpit or flick my butt or give me a butterfly kiss. You're hilarious, so yeah, I'm gonna tickle you and bully you and steal your stuff and put it back and never tell you if I like subtitles and ask for your addies. I'm glad we're friends, and I'll miss you if you move away to college in the fall. But more than missing you, I'll worry about you. I worry about you sometimes, when I'm not there. I was worried when you went away during Christmas; remember when I told you to be safe and not get into too much trouble? I was serious. People like you are hard to find, so keep yourself safe and relatively healthy. We'll find out where you go soon, and life will move on always, but I hope I get to spend a bit more time with you in my life.
I Will Tell Gary
There is no God, and all of this is meaningless.
But today, there is a God. And he had a plan for him.
Talking shit, drinking wine, eating good food, laughing about other people's flaws and silly things we see on TV, sharing information about ourselves, wearing tank tops and slippers and hair down, cussing, speaking freely, all in a small, neat, artsy apartment in Cedar Park. I am so different from:
Sitting on the edge of the seat, never saying a word, taking shit from people who used to be my friends, gazing across the pavement at a circle of friends who I'm too scared to say hi to, staring down at my Triscuits and apple slices and milk boxes, picking up my ugly lunchbox when the bell rings, dragging myself to Theology or Physics or Coach L's English class, back before what happened. So different from:
Skipping lunch to spend an hour with a nun, working on homework, crunching numbers with the school freaks, avoiding eye contact in halls, too scared to heat up popcorn, sitting in silence with two new friends and a boy who does nothing but read, him asking you to prom in the hallway, and you ask him why.
I'm never the same person. My body decays every year, but my personality is growing up. As it grows, it doesn't decay like the flesh. It flourishes. It chips away at small parts that fear rejection and acceptance, it clumps on bits of humor and assurance. I feel okay more often than I did when I was young. I don't remember growing up very well because I was very anxious or okay I think. I was either so okay that it is unmemorable, or I was hurt so I forgot. It bothers me to not know which is the case. But the problem with where I was a few years ago:
You were staying in your bubble. Going to a foreign land and seeing devastation with those people doesn't help. I want you to feel uncomfortable, to crawl out of your skin and scream and cry and tear your hair to pieces in anxiety and loss of security. I want your heart to give out for a minute, your feet to free fall down a path, and I want you to stop where life takes you. You want so badly to change the world, but I fear you never will. The world, first of all, doesn't like change. The first obstacle. The second is that your idea for change is painful. I do not want to listen to your books, to your fantasies, to your arbitrary morality. Here is what I want to do: try some X, go to a rave, trip my tits off, and sleep til 5pm. Tell me why I shouldn't, once. Tell me why it's a sin, who I'm hurting. And what happens next? I do what I want. You're right at my ear to whisper sweet somethings, how I'll be forgiven. I don't want mercy. If I have done wrong by some Almighty power, then I am responsible for it. I knowingly do what I do. I drink, I smoke, I take drugs, I fool around with guys, I cuss, I do what I want, come home at 3 am, and I know that I do it. So don't tell me your God will forgive me. I never asked, and I don't want it. I am not sorry for living my life. What an odd concept to tell people, that they'll be forgiven. To tell people that they can love, but this way or that way only? I tried for 9 years to be holy. I guess I'm just a natural born sinner. I'm not cut out for religion. It doesn't bother me now that I've stepped outside the one-way window. So I want to change the world. I want to raise some people to be good, to not hurt others if they can help it, to survive and thrive and continue the lineage to make the world a nicer place. I won't make them pray, but I'll teach them how. I won't get mad if they don't want to go to church, but I'll take them to anywhere they wanna go. I'm going to change the world in this way. It's called hope, blank slates, magna carta, simple soft heads with plates unattached. But what are you going to do? Dress them up on Sundays, make them be like you? You're assuming that you are right and that you have the truth. You want to truth? First, you need to let go of that desire. Truth comes to the clean-hearted, not those with contracted hearts. Let that go, and you can get closer. Your God won't help, and your religion REALLY won't. But these are my current beliefs.
So the world is highly fucked up and constantly complicated. Every moment in a catch 22. Put your belief in predestination, and you will not think so. But now I am a part of the world, for the first time. I kept myself locked away. Now, I'm here. I love it, with its horrid gossip and ruthless bloodlust and the tears and the medicines and the mistakes. I love it more than religion, more than God, more than my past. I'm done with that. I'm free now, for the first time in my life. It is lovely.
But today, there is a God. And he had a plan for him.
Talking shit, drinking wine, eating good food, laughing about other people's flaws and silly things we see on TV, sharing information about ourselves, wearing tank tops and slippers and hair down, cussing, speaking freely, all in a small, neat, artsy apartment in Cedar Park. I am so different from:
Sitting on the edge of the seat, never saying a word, taking shit from people who used to be my friends, gazing across the pavement at a circle of friends who I'm too scared to say hi to, staring down at my Triscuits and apple slices and milk boxes, picking up my ugly lunchbox when the bell rings, dragging myself to Theology or Physics or Coach L's English class, back before what happened. So different from:
Skipping lunch to spend an hour with a nun, working on homework, crunching numbers with the school freaks, avoiding eye contact in halls, too scared to heat up popcorn, sitting in silence with two new friends and a boy who does nothing but read, him asking you to prom in the hallway, and you ask him why.
I'm never the same person. My body decays every year, but my personality is growing up. As it grows, it doesn't decay like the flesh. It flourishes. It chips away at small parts that fear rejection and acceptance, it clumps on bits of humor and assurance. I feel okay more often than I did when I was young. I don't remember growing up very well because I was very anxious or okay I think. I was either so okay that it is unmemorable, or I was hurt so I forgot. It bothers me to not know which is the case. But the problem with where I was a few years ago:
You were staying in your bubble. Going to a foreign land and seeing devastation with those people doesn't help. I want you to feel uncomfortable, to crawl out of your skin and scream and cry and tear your hair to pieces in anxiety and loss of security. I want your heart to give out for a minute, your feet to free fall down a path, and I want you to stop where life takes you. You want so badly to change the world, but I fear you never will. The world, first of all, doesn't like change. The first obstacle. The second is that your idea for change is painful. I do not want to listen to your books, to your fantasies, to your arbitrary morality. Here is what I want to do: try some X, go to a rave, trip my tits off, and sleep til 5pm. Tell me why I shouldn't, once. Tell me why it's a sin, who I'm hurting. And what happens next? I do what I want. You're right at my ear to whisper sweet somethings, how I'll be forgiven. I don't want mercy. If I have done wrong by some Almighty power, then I am responsible for it. I knowingly do what I do. I drink, I smoke, I take drugs, I fool around with guys, I cuss, I do what I want, come home at 3 am, and I know that I do it. So don't tell me your God will forgive me. I never asked, and I don't want it. I am not sorry for living my life. What an odd concept to tell people, that they'll be forgiven. To tell people that they can love, but this way or that way only? I tried for 9 years to be holy. I guess I'm just a natural born sinner. I'm not cut out for religion. It doesn't bother me now that I've stepped outside the one-way window. So I want to change the world. I want to raise some people to be good, to not hurt others if they can help it, to survive and thrive and continue the lineage to make the world a nicer place. I won't make them pray, but I'll teach them how. I won't get mad if they don't want to go to church, but I'll take them to anywhere they wanna go. I'm going to change the world in this way. It's called hope, blank slates, magna carta, simple soft heads with plates unattached. But what are you going to do? Dress them up on Sundays, make them be like you? You're assuming that you are right and that you have the truth. You want to truth? First, you need to let go of that desire. Truth comes to the clean-hearted, not those with contracted hearts. Let that go, and you can get closer. Your God won't help, and your religion REALLY won't. But these are my current beliefs.
So the world is highly fucked up and constantly complicated. Every moment in a catch 22. Put your belief in predestination, and you will not think so. But now I am a part of the world, for the first time. I kept myself locked away. Now, I'm here. I love it, with its horrid gossip and ruthless bloodlust and the tears and the medicines and the mistakes. I love it more than religion, more than God, more than my past. I'm done with that. I'm free now, for the first time in my life. It is lovely.
Saturday, March 29, 2014
Friday, March 28, 2014
Caffeine, Nicotine, and Adderall
Bitter dancer, ever turning.
That combo should help me study. Just took 1/4 an Addy and drank half a Trenta cup of iced coffee. I'm feelin' it now. A bit jittery but nothing too bad. Pretty good actually. I gotta shower then study!!! I don't know if my nostril can handle the rest of the Addy. I'm an amateur. Just gotta stay focused. Don't worry. Take a shower, snort the rest, and study time! :-) Shall be fuuuuun.
That combo should help me study. Just took 1/4 an Addy and drank half a Trenta cup of iced coffee. I'm feelin' it now. A bit jittery but nothing too bad. Pretty good actually. I gotta shower then study!!! I don't know if my nostril can handle the rest of the Addy. I'm an amateur. Just gotta stay focused. Don't worry. Take a shower, snort the rest, and study time! :-) Shall be fuuuuun.
Saturday, March 22, 2014
Social Skills
I had a chat last night with Ryan and I noticed how good he is with people. I mean really, everywhere we go, he seems to have friends. He said it truly took practice, and that he used to be very shy until he was about 16. So I need to make an effort. This has been an ongoing problem since I can remember, and I really want to open up to people. I generally like people. I like their stories, their opinions, their lives. I want to hear it and learn from it. The obstacle I have is myself. I am ridiculously individualistic and private. I'm extremely shy and quiet, and it takes serious effort for me to be talking in a social situation of over 3 people. I'm going to college in January and I need to start practicing my social skills. I feel so shitty because for 5 years, I drowned myself in an unhealthy friendship, so I have a lot of learning to do. But I can do it. I'm determined.
Epiphany addiction. Yes, I have that. I need to put in more hard work, more effort. It's going to be hard as hell. And work is going to be hard as hell... But you can do it.
Vague advice. One day you'll "be yourself" but it's not helpful for now. Seriously. Specifics.
Fake it til you make it. Works differently for different people.
Honestly, I tell myself a million times a day, "There's nothing wrong with you. You have the right to be yourself." Does that really help? I mean I think it does in the short term, but I have skills, just like learning an instrument, I need to hone. I'm ready to fucking try something new. Something's gotta work. I'll tell Alison this.
ARTICLE 1: ASKING QUESTIONS AND SEEMING INTERESTED AS A "KEY" TO CONVERSATION
Yeah it really doesn't work for groups. You need to know how to contribute. Even for one-on-one I feel people will start to think you're boring because you're not really sharing anything. In the past, I always let people talk and talk and now I realize it's really annoying because while I like hearing about people, I WANT TO TALK TOO!! I HAVE COOL STORIES!!! And I totally agree with the bit about people who want to monopolize a conversation and take advantage: CAT!!! And sometimes Ryan haha. He will start to go on about how people love him so much until I say, "Dude stop that's so fucking annoying." At which point he'll smile a desperate little smile and say, "I'm not trying to be, it's just the truth" at which point I'll feel like kicking him in the nuts. Ahh friends. But seriously Bianca, don't let people take advantage of your quietness. That's evil and enabling. Ew. You need to learn to interrupt when necessary. I feel like with my dad I can converse pretty well. I did well last night with Mike and Ryan, because 1) they're both chill and 2) it was a small group setting. I don't do well when I'm in a group and I'm the only new person, like when Ryan and I go to Starbucks or something. Also, I really like talking..........about myself........so I want to.
Article 2: Main concepts
Experience experience experience. You're not going to become a social butterfly by reading self help books OR this new website you found. Get out there. Do shit. (HOW?...) I see lots of opportunities: UNIVERSITY. And a new job.
Take initiative with making friends. It's not creepy. Don't be so passive (practice this....somehow).
Article 3: Factors that seems to contribute to shyness, etc.
Copying behaviors of people you were friends with that weren't good behaviors. Jenna. Jenna. Jenna. Her style works for her life and what she wants, but not at ALL for who I am. Unfortunately, I spent many years trying to hone HER skills and be like her, but this was only shooting myself in the foot: I have a choice between suffering and learning in my own way, in the life I want, or being good at interacting in a life I don't want, a life for somebody else. I choose the former.
Notes: Pushing people away. When I'm starting to get to know a group of people, I'm very happy to and want to get to know them more. I want to know a lot more. I especially take interest in a few specific people (usually a guy... ugh why) and want to know everything about them, I want to help them, etc etc. But then after a certain point I try to push them away (especially if the relationship is really intense and I feel like I'm getting too close). Getting really close to people scares me. I tell people to run, that I'm no good, that they're better off without me, that I deserve bad things and deserve to be hated. It's weird because the people who see me the most clearly tell me these thoughts are so wrong. They ask, "What have you ever done so wrong that you deserve this hatred?" All I can do at that point is cry and not know, but know that I do. Same reasons I (used to?) hit myself, because I want someone to do it for me. To hurt me, hit all the bad out of me. I have all these negative thoughts, this depression, sometimes even manic, all this absolutely insane, fucked up stuff inside of my head, and it really draws me away from other people. I need to know how to filter that and still feel connection, and I also need to know how to open up to the people I trust. I've opened up a bit to RJ, more to Ryan, a bit to Taylor, some to my dad, and that might be it.
Epiphany addiction. Yes, I have that. I need to put in more hard work, more effort. It's going to be hard as hell. And work is going to be hard as hell... But you can do it.
Vague advice. One day you'll "be yourself" but it's not helpful for now. Seriously. Specifics.
Fake it til you make it. Works differently for different people.
Honestly, I tell myself a million times a day, "There's nothing wrong with you. You have the right to be yourself." Does that really help? I mean I think it does in the short term, but I have skills, just like learning an instrument, I need to hone. I'm ready to fucking try something new. Something's gotta work. I'll tell Alison this.
ARTICLE 1: ASKING QUESTIONS AND SEEMING INTERESTED AS A "KEY" TO CONVERSATION
Yeah it really doesn't work for groups. You need to know how to contribute. Even for one-on-one I feel people will start to think you're boring because you're not really sharing anything. In the past, I always let people talk and talk and now I realize it's really annoying because while I like hearing about people, I WANT TO TALK TOO!! I HAVE COOL STORIES!!! And I totally agree with the bit about people who want to monopolize a conversation and take advantage: CAT!!! And sometimes Ryan haha. He will start to go on about how people love him so much until I say, "Dude stop that's so fucking annoying." At which point he'll smile a desperate little smile and say, "I'm not trying to be, it's just the truth" at which point I'll feel like kicking him in the nuts. Ahh friends. But seriously Bianca, don't let people take advantage of your quietness. That's evil and enabling. Ew. You need to learn to interrupt when necessary. I feel like with my dad I can converse pretty well. I did well last night with Mike and Ryan, because 1) they're both chill and 2) it was a small group setting. I don't do well when I'm in a group and I'm the only new person, like when Ryan and I go to Starbucks or something. Also, I really like talking..........about myself........so I want to.
Article 2: Main concepts
Experience experience experience. You're not going to become a social butterfly by reading self help books OR this new website you found. Get out there. Do shit. (HOW?...) I see lots of opportunities: UNIVERSITY. And a new job.
Take initiative with making friends. It's not creepy. Don't be so passive (practice this....somehow).
Article 3: Factors that seems to contribute to shyness, etc.
Copying behaviors of people you were friends with that weren't good behaviors. Jenna. Jenna. Jenna. Her style works for her life and what she wants, but not at ALL for who I am. Unfortunately, I spent many years trying to hone HER skills and be like her, but this was only shooting myself in the foot: I have a choice between suffering and learning in my own way, in the life I want, or being good at interacting in a life I don't want, a life for somebody else. I choose the former.
Notes: Pushing people away. When I'm starting to get to know a group of people, I'm very happy to and want to get to know them more. I want to know a lot more. I especially take interest in a few specific people (usually a guy... ugh why) and want to know everything about them, I want to help them, etc etc. But then after a certain point I try to push them away (especially if the relationship is really intense and I feel like I'm getting too close). Getting really close to people scares me. I tell people to run, that I'm no good, that they're better off without me, that I deserve bad things and deserve to be hated. It's weird because the people who see me the most clearly tell me these thoughts are so wrong. They ask, "What have you ever done so wrong that you deserve this hatred?" All I can do at that point is cry and not know, but know that I do. Same reasons I (used to?) hit myself, because I want someone to do it for me. To hurt me, hit all the bad out of me. I have all these negative thoughts, this depression, sometimes even manic, all this absolutely insane, fucked up stuff inside of my head, and it really draws me away from other people. I need to know how to filter that and still feel connection, and I also need to know how to open up to the people I trust. I've opened up a bit to RJ, more to Ryan, a bit to Taylor, some to my dad, and that might be it.
Oh God, Where'd You Go?
God?
God?
It's so weird to think of God now, after all that's happened.
I remember when I was a little girl, how some things just didn't make sense. Like when people would say, "Just say when." I thought that was the silliest thing ever, because to me, "when" was just a concept. I didn't understand how that could be the magic word to mark the end of someone pouring milk or something. I like child me. I was very rational, I couldn't be fooled. I mean, I had a big imagination. But I knew what was what. I try to be that way at work sometimes. Just hold myself high, as a person deserving respect and fear. I'm kidding about the fear part. Or am I? I do sometimes wish I could be that girl that makes men scared, makes them sweat and very nervous to ask on a date. Unattainable, beautiful, proud, mature, lovely. Since I am the center of my own universe (literally speaking), I document myself. I fascinate myself. It's so bad, but not really. I'm in a relationship of sorts with myself, before I can expect to love others. I'm always waiting. I need to work through hard times, but I do owe myself the goodness of being happy. I don't deserve self-harm or depression. I have worth, just as much worth as I put on the people I love, respect, and admire the most. I am equal with them. That's an interesting way to look at things. If I could see myself the way I saw other people. How am I any different? At the end of the day, of our lives, I am no better or worse.
Darling, I don't care so let me go. To mama, arms open wide, I'll go.
I deserve a good man. I deserve to laugh. I love that scene from Breaking Bad where Jesse says, "I deserve this. I deserve everything that happens to me."
My arms are cold and I don't like that one bit.
God?
It's so weird to think of God now, after all that's happened.
I remember when I was a little girl, how some things just didn't make sense. Like when people would say, "Just say when." I thought that was the silliest thing ever, because to me, "when" was just a concept. I didn't understand how that could be the magic word to mark the end of someone pouring milk or something. I like child me. I was very rational, I couldn't be fooled. I mean, I had a big imagination. But I knew what was what. I try to be that way at work sometimes. Just hold myself high, as a person deserving respect and fear. I'm kidding about the fear part. Or am I? I do sometimes wish I could be that girl that makes men scared, makes them sweat and very nervous to ask on a date. Unattainable, beautiful, proud, mature, lovely. Since I am the center of my own universe (literally speaking), I document myself. I fascinate myself. It's so bad, but not really. I'm in a relationship of sorts with myself, before I can expect to love others. I'm always waiting. I need to work through hard times, but I do owe myself the goodness of being happy. I don't deserve self-harm or depression. I have worth, just as much worth as I put on the people I love, respect, and admire the most. I am equal with them. That's an interesting way to look at things. If I could see myself the way I saw other people. How am I any different? At the end of the day, of our lives, I am no better or worse.
Darling, I don't care so let me go. To mama, arms open wide, I'll go.
I deserve a good man. I deserve to laugh. I love that scene from Breaking Bad where Jesse says, "I deserve this. I deserve everything that happens to me."
My arms are cold and I don't like that one bit.
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