Can we behave as companions?
Two months. Two months. A summer. Seven years. Little steps. Everything reminds me of you. Every thought leads to you. My heart is breaking. I want to be back in that day, when we were in your room and you played me "The Season". I didn't really want to hear another song--I wanted to walk to the lake like we did that crazy day--but I said yes because I love your voice and I wanted you to be happy, and I know performing makes you so happy. So you played "The Season", and the way you looked was more gorgeous than anything I've seen. Not because of you, but because of what you became in those 5 minutes. It's something no one could ever know. Not even me. It's that part of you I will never see or know, no matter how well I know you or how well you wish for me to know you. That part that is yours, love, they can never take that away. And for a moment I was in your room with it, and I couldn't understand it at all, but I felt honoured to be there on your bed. Sometimes when you play for me I want to cry. I remember when you came over to my house for the first time and played "Thinking of You" and I remember thinking God, don't make me fall for you. Stop making me fall in love with you. I tried, you know, to not fall for you. I guess I didn't try hard enough. I wonder if I could have stopped it. When I came back, I thought I'd be over you. Then I saw you, how normal you are, how sweet you are, just how you are you... It's hard to describe. But it took about 4 seconds for me to fall for you all over again, but twice as hard. I cried to Jenna about it. I've put myself through a lot because I love you. I wonder if you love me. It doesn't really matter. Because I just love you and that's all I can ever worry about. I want you next to me right now. It's only been a week and a half, and already.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Missing You
I'd go hungry; I'd go black and blue.
The best thing for love, if love is ever, ever to survive, is maturity. I love you and there's no doubt about that. I hopelessly love you. I want every blessing to go from me to you. I want your life to shine, brilliant. That is what I want. Everything else is quite secondary. It is very hard, missing you. So hard. But, almost like Peter says to Jesus, where would I go? If I were to give you up, sure, I'd have less to focus on and my mind would be clearer. But I am investing in you. There is so much to say about you. Life is much better when you're in love. Music is clearer, words come more easily, days are easier to "get through" when they are tough. Like you said to me last week, it is enough just knowing you are out there. You are somewhere in my world, and you are in my life now. What a blessing my life is! I am so, so, so blessed. I thank God for you. Sure, it is painful to not be with you. But I would never want to forget you. Lord, no.
The best thing for love, if love is ever, ever to survive, is maturity. I love you and there's no doubt about that. I hopelessly love you. I want every blessing to go from me to you. I want your life to shine, brilliant. That is what I want. Everything else is quite secondary. It is very hard, missing you. So hard. But, almost like Peter says to Jesus, where would I go? If I were to give you up, sure, I'd have less to focus on and my mind would be clearer. But I am investing in you. There is so much to say about you. Life is much better when you're in love. Music is clearer, words come more easily, days are easier to "get through" when they are tough. Like you said to me last week, it is enough just knowing you are out there. You are somewhere in my world, and you are in my life now. What a blessing my life is! I am so, so, so blessed. I thank God for you. Sure, it is painful to not be with you. But I would never want to forget you. Lord, no.
Monday, August 13, 2012
No One's Gonna Love You
No one's gonna love you more than I do.
I don't know what the future holds. I don't know where we'll be in 4 to 7 years. That's a long stretch of time to think about for having only known each other for a few months. It's pretty crazy, isn't it? But nothing worth having ever really makes sense. All I know is that I am happier than ever when I get the chance to see you or talk to you. I am happier than ever just knowing that you're in my life. You are here now, and there's going to be really hard times ahead I know. It's going to be so hard, missing you so much. It's going to make it hard to focus, so I may have to let you go a bit. But I hope that our time apart can make us grow as individuals so that when we finally and hopefully do get to be together, we are stronger and better for it. Is it crazy that I can see a long road ahead of us? The reason I can is because we are both reasonable. I trust you, and I try to trust you. I trust that you won't throw me away; please know that I won't. Even when the days come when I want to, I won't. I'll check myself and keep you close. I don't want to ruin anything with you, ever. I'm going to look at my last relationship and see what went wrong, and I'm going to do my best to make sure that never happens with us. You make me excited for the future. I used to look at the future as something awful, something I had to fill with dead space and time, something I had to endure. Now it seems instead to be something extremely fragile and beautiful.
I am glad our families can be friends. That makes me so happy! I am happy that your sister likes me, and maybe even your other siblings. And your parents. I hope they like me too. I like them all. I will remember everything from this summer, every moment I spent with you. Each one was amazing. The first time you held me, it felt like it'd been that way for so much longer, but neither of us knew. The first time you held my hand, I felt like it wasn't the first time, but like it was something so natural that had been happening for a long time. The first time you kissed my head and we sat there together, I felt safe. If I think about it too much, I begin to cry. Not because I'm sad (though I am very sad to leave you; but I will be back!) but because I have never been happier. This is going to be hard, it's crazy, we may be crazy too, but hey, it's okay! I have horrible patience, but I will work on it for you. I will do anything for you, really. As long as it makes you happy and okay and safe. -Bianca
I don't know what the future holds. I don't know where we'll be in 4 to 7 years. That's a long stretch of time to think about for having only known each other for a few months. It's pretty crazy, isn't it? But nothing worth having ever really makes sense. All I know is that I am happier than ever when I get the chance to see you or talk to you. I am happier than ever just knowing that you're in my life. You are here now, and there's going to be really hard times ahead I know. It's going to be so hard, missing you so much. It's going to make it hard to focus, so I may have to let you go a bit. But I hope that our time apart can make us grow as individuals so that when we finally and hopefully do get to be together, we are stronger and better for it. Is it crazy that I can see a long road ahead of us? The reason I can is because we are both reasonable. I trust you, and I try to trust you. I trust that you won't throw me away; please know that I won't. Even when the days come when I want to, I won't. I'll check myself and keep you close. I don't want to ruin anything with you, ever. I'm going to look at my last relationship and see what went wrong, and I'm going to do my best to make sure that never happens with us. You make me excited for the future. I used to look at the future as something awful, something I had to fill with dead space and time, something I had to endure. Now it seems instead to be something extremely fragile and beautiful.
I am glad our families can be friends. That makes me so happy! I am happy that your sister likes me, and maybe even your other siblings. And your parents. I hope they like me too. I like them all. I will remember everything from this summer, every moment I spent with you. Each one was amazing. The first time you held me, it felt like it'd been that way for so much longer, but neither of us knew. The first time you held my hand, I felt like it wasn't the first time, but like it was something so natural that had been happening for a long time. The first time you kissed my head and we sat there together, I felt safe. If I think about it too much, I begin to cry. Not because I'm sad (though I am very sad to leave you; but I will be back!) but because I have never been happier. This is going to be hard, it's crazy, we may be crazy too, but hey, it's okay! I have horrible patience, but I will work on it for you. I will do anything for you, really. As long as it makes you happy and okay and safe. -Bianca
Saturday, August 11, 2012
I Can't Believe How Dumb I Sound
If you're happy, I am too. If you're sleeping, I'm with you.
But you love someone else...
I will get to spend half of tomorrow with someone I love very much. Could life be better? No.
But you love someone else...
I will get to spend half of tomorrow with someone I love very much. Could life be better? No.
Friday, August 10, 2012
That Survey I Got From Lauren
You've become a part of me ever since you turned 18, love.
1: Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette? I kind of want to, but I think I could.
2: Are you single/taken/heartbroken/confused? My heart is taken completely, but I'm single.
3: What if I told you that you were pretty? I would smile and say "Thank you!"
4: Ever been told “it’s not you, it’s me”? Not that I recall, but it's possible.
5: Are you interested in anyone right now? Yes.
6: What are you looking forward to in the next week? I am looking forward to going salsa dancing (finally!), spending time with Zach, seeing everyone at school before I go, maybe going to yoga, finally cleaning my room (it is a mess!), watching Shutter Island, living out my last couple days in Austin before I leave, and meeting my roommate Jenny. :-) Life is beautiful!
7: Do you want to be single? That is an interesting question. I don't want to rush into my next relationship, because people are so important to me now. I used to just use them and disregard them, but I'm loving them now. If I am meant to be single right now, I can be.
8: Did you go out or stay in last night? I stayed in.
9: How late did you stay up last night? Until about 1:30 am.
10: Can you recall the last time you realized you liked someone a lot? I am currently liking someone a lot, and I got to see him today, which made me realise still how much I like him!
11: Last three things you had to drink? Water, mango orange juice, honeydew kombucha.
12: Have you pretended to like someone? No, that's awful.
13: Have you ever told somebody you loved them and not actually meant it? No.
14: Honestly, has anyone seen you in your underwear in the past 3 months? Yes, a lot.
15: Is it hard for you to get over someone? I'm over Joe and Susan and those people, but in general it is very difficult for me to get over people.
16: Think back five months ago, were you single? Yes.
17: What were you doing at 12:30 this afternoon? Getting into my car to drive to the movie theatre.
18: Hold hands with anyone this week? Not unless you count Sufjan, haha!
19: Could you go for the rest of your life without drinking alcohol? If I wanted to, but I don't want to.
20: What would you name your future daughter? Pianorchestra.
21: Do you miss anyone? Yes.
22: Have you kissed three or more people in one night? No.
23: Did your last kiss take place in/on a bed? No. I don't even remember my last kiss.
24: Are you good at hiding your feelings? I am pretty skilled.
25: Have you ever cried from being so mad? Yes.
26: Who did you last see in person? Jenna!
27: Are you listening to music right now? Yes, I am listening to "Losing You" by the John Butler Trio (amazing song!).
28: What is something you currently want right now? 1) For my room to be clean; 2) To be able to speak with Zach, just for fun.
29: What is the last thing you said out lot? "Nighty night, Jenna!"
30: How is your heart lately? Happy, but taxed.
31: Do you wear the hood on your hoodie? When it rains or when I am cold, yes.
32: Are you wearing socks? Nope.
33: What do people call you? Bianca.
34: Will you talk to the person you like tonight? Yes, I'm about 99.9% sure because he said he'd talk to me, and he's very true to his word on stuff like that! :-)
35: Are there any stressful situations in your life? Several, but luckily they are all "good" stressful.
36: Who did you last share a bed with? Whilst sleeping: Christina. Whilst sleeping all night: probably my mother. Whilst relaxing: Audrey and Zach, haha!
37: Did you do something bad today? Yes, I got cross at my mommy.
38: When was the last time a member of the opposite sex hugged you? Yesterday at 4:30 pm: Zach outside my car.
39: Do you get stressed out easily? No, I am chill.
40: Will you sing today? I always always sing! I could not live if I couldn't sing!
41: Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but didn’t? Too many times, yes.
42: Who do you go to when you need to talk to someone? Jenna, Lauren, or Zach.
43: Have you ever been taken to the emergency room in an ambulance? Yes, but I wasn't injured, my mom was.
44: What are you listening to right now? A really good cover of "Video Games" by Lana Del Rey on YouTube.
45: What is wrong with you right now? My right nostril is plugged up and I am SO tired. But I am happy.
46: What is on your wrists right now? Left: nothing, ever. Right: Two Schlitterbahn wristbands and a rainbow Silly Band that turns into a clarinet.
47: Where did you get the shirt/sweatshirt you’re wearing? From Zach.
48: What do you like better: hot chocolate or hot apple cider? Hot apple cider.
49: Do you make wishes at 11:11? Yes!
50: Are you a good artist? Music, yeah.
51: Love really is a beautiful thing huh? More than I could know.
52: Do you miss the way things were six months ago? Not. A. Bit.
53: Ever been on a golf cart? Vaguely remember one time.
54: Do you have trust issues? I have a hard time believing sometimes.
55: Ever stayed up all night on the phone, with who? Yes, Zach.
56: Do you own something from Hot Topic? Some cartilage piercings, some shirts.
57: Do you use chap stick? No.
58: Have you ever slapped someone in the face? Yeah, my brother.
59: Do you have a little sister? No.
60: Have you ever been to New York? Yes, but only in airports and driving through.
61: Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it? Yes.
62: Have you hugged someone within the last week? I love hugs; of course!
63: What were you doing at midnight last night? On the laptop.
64: Have you ever regretted kissing someone? No.
65: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile? Yes.
66: Were your last three kisses from the same person? Yes.
67: Have you kissed anyone in the last five days? No.
68: Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone? I like company!
69: Will next Friday be a good one? I am scared.
1: Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette? I kind of want to, but I think I could.
2: Are you single/taken/heartbroken/confused? My heart is taken completely, but I'm single.
3: What if I told you that you were pretty? I would smile and say "Thank you!"
4: Ever been told “it’s not you, it’s me”? Not that I recall, but it's possible.
5: Are you interested in anyone right now? Yes.
6: What are you looking forward to in the next week? I am looking forward to going salsa dancing (finally!), spending time with Zach, seeing everyone at school before I go, maybe going to yoga, finally cleaning my room (it is a mess!), watching Shutter Island, living out my last couple days in Austin before I leave, and meeting my roommate Jenny. :-) Life is beautiful!
7: Do you want to be single? That is an interesting question. I don't want to rush into my next relationship, because people are so important to me now. I used to just use them and disregard them, but I'm loving them now. If I am meant to be single right now, I can be.
8: Did you go out or stay in last night? I stayed in.
9: How late did you stay up last night? Until about 1:30 am.
10: Can you recall the last time you realized you liked someone a lot? I am currently liking someone a lot, and I got to see him today, which made me realise still how much I like him!
11: Last three things you had to drink? Water, mango orange juice, honeydew kombucha.
12: Have you pretended to like someone? No, that's awful.
13: Have you ever told somebody you loved them and not actually meant it? No.
14: Honestly, has anyone seen you in your underwear in the past 3 months? Yes, a lot.
15: Is it hard for you to get over someone? I'm over Joe and Susan and those people, but in general it is very difficult for me to get over people.
16: Think back five months ago, were you single? Yes.
17: What were you doing at 12:30 this afternoon? Getting into my car to drive to the movie theatre.
18: Hold hands with anyone this week? Not unless you count Sufjan, haha!
19: Could you go for the rest of your life without drinking alcohol? If I wanted to, but I don't want to.
20: What would you name your future daughter? Pianorchestra.
21: Do you miss anyone? Yes.
22: Have you kissed three or more people in one night? No.
23: Did your last kiss take place in/on a bed? No. I don't even remember my last kiss.
24: Are you good at hiding your feelings? I am pretty skilled.
25: Have you ever cried from being so mad? Yes.
26: Who did you last see in person? Jenna!
27: Are you listening to music right now? Yes, I am listening to "Losing You" by the John Butler Trio (amazing song!).
28: What is something you currently want right now? 1) For my room to be clean; 2) To be able to speak with Zach, just for fun.
29: What is the last thing you said out lot? "Nighty night, Jenna!"
30: How is your heart lately? Happy, but taxed.
31: Do you wear the hood on your hoodie? When it rains or when I am cold, yes.
32: Are you wearing socks? Nope.
33: What do people call you? Bianca.
34: Will you talk to the person you like tonight? Yes, I'm about 99.9% sure because he said he'd talk to me, and he's very true to his word on stuff like that! :-)
35: Are there any stressful situations in your life? Several, but luckily they are all "good" stressful.
36: Who did you last share a bed with? Whilst sleeping: Christina. Whilst sleeping all night: probably my mother. Whilst relaxing: Audrey and Zach, haha!
37: Did you do something bad today? Yes, I got cross at my mommy.
38: When was the last time a member of the opposite sex hugged you? Yesterday at 4:30 pm: Zach outside my car.
39: Do you get stressed out easily? No, I am chill.
40: Will you sing today? I always always sing! I could not live if I couldn't sing!
41: Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but didn’t? Too many times, yes.
42: Who do you go to when you need to talk to someone? Jenna, Lauren, or Zach.
43: Have you ever been taken to the emergency room in an ambulance? Yes, but I wasn't injured, my mom was.
44: What are you listening to right now? A really good cover of "Video Games" by Lana Del Rey on YouTube.
45: What is wrong with you right now? My right nostril is plugged up and I am SO tired. But I am happy.
46: What is on your wrists right now? Left: nothing, ever. Right: Two Schlitterbahn wristbands and a rainbow Silly Band that turns into a clarinet.
47: Where did you get the shirt/sweatshirt you’re wearing? From Zach.
48: What do you like better: hot chocolate or hot apple cider? Hot apple cider.
49: Do you make wishes at 11:11? Yes!
50: Are you a good artist? Music, yeah.
51: Love really is a beautiful thing huh? More than I could know.
52: Do you miss the way things were six months ago? Not. A. Bit.
53: Ever been on a golf cart? Vaguely remember one time.
54: Do you have trust issues? I have a hard time believing sometimes.
55: Ever stayed up all night on the phone, with who? Yes, Zach.
56: Do you own something from Hot Topic? Some cartilage piercings, some shirts.
57: Do you use chap stick? No.
58: Have you ever slapped someone in the face? Yeah, my brother.
59: Do you have a little sister? No.
60: Have you ever been to New York? Yes, but only in airports and driving through.
61: Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it? Yes.
62: Have you hugged someone within the last week? I love hugs; of course!
63: What were you doing at midnight last night? On the laptop.
64: Have you ever regretted kissing someone? No.
65: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile? Yes.
66: Were your last three kisses from the same person? Yes.
67: Have you kissed anyone in the last five days? No.
68: Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone? I like company!
69: Will next Friday be a good one? I am scared.
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Gratefulness
There is something no one can take away from me. What I've done and known this summer; I will forever remember it as one of the best things God gave me. I can say nothing at all but Thank You. I don't know how it happened, and it came out of nowhere. All I know is that I am happy, and I feel like this is the beginning of something so much better. I wake up looking forward to what the days hold, knowing that I have friends and I have love in my life. I am the most blessed person on Earth.
You make me want to become so much better, do you know that? Only one other person has made me feel that way, and it's not Mercutio, it's Jenna. She made, and makes, me want to be better so that I can be a good friend. You also make me want to be a better friend. You make me want to start praying to God again, for strength and knowledge of how to love you better. You make me want to treat you well and share in your happiness in a selfless way and listen to anything you need to say, and be selfless overall. It's amazing... I don't even know why. I just want to be a good person for you. You make the days a little bit brighter! I look forward to seeing you, but I will always be okay as long as I know you are okay and that a "one day" is in the future. I can wait, because I am learning to trust in this. It is the most exciting thing I've ever experienced. It is also the most difficult. I mess up a lot more than I'd like to, but I know you wouldn't want me to be hard on myself, so I try not to be. I've begun to appreciate myself more as a person, too. I find that I am a good person, but I of course have flaws. You do, too. But I am more than willing to accept them and forgive them. I love finding flaws in you actually, because they make me realise that you are real, and this is real. If you were "perfect", you'd be boring. I love you for everything you are. Every last thing, the things I know and the things I still will find out, all of it: I want to know it. I am so excited! I feel like I'm at the starting line of the best race of my life, ready to run and be happy and be free. I remember once, the worst thing I ever thought, was that I wished I didn't love you. But I am glad that I do. I can't believe this is happening. I am so happy I could cry. GAH!
You make me want to become so much better, do you know that? Only one other person has made me feel that way, and it's not Mercutio, it's Jenna. She made, and makes, me want to be better so that I can be a good friend. You also make me want to be a better friend. You make me want to start praying to God again, for strength and knowledge of how to love you better. You make me want to treat you well and share in your happiness in a selfless way and listen to anything you need to say, and be selfless overall. It's amazing... I don't even know why. I just want to be a good person for you. You make the days a little bit brighter! I look forward to seeing you, but I will always be okay as long as I know you are okay and that a "one day" is in the future. I can wait, because I am learning to trust in this. It is the most exciting thing I've ever experienced. It is also the most difficult. I mess up a lot more than I'd like to, but I know you wouldn't want me to be hard on myself, so I try not to be. I've begun to appreciate myself more as a person, too. I find that I am a good person, but I of course have flaws. You do, too. But I am more than willing to accept them and forgive them. I love finding flaws in you actually, because they make me realise that you are real, and this is real. If you were "perfect", you'd be boring. I love you for everything you are. Every last thing, the things I know and the things I still will find out, all of it: I want to know it. I am so excited! I feel like I'm at the starting line of the best race of my life, ready to run and be happy and be free. I remember once, the worst thing I ever thought, was that I wished I didn't love you. But I am glad that I do. I can't believe this is happening. I am so happy I could cry. GAH!
Thursday, July 26, 2012
I Am So Happy With Life & I Thank God For My Life Now
There'll be love, love, love wherever you go!
That's what I called the mix CD I made today. It's really a great CD! It's got a nice blend of classics (Frank Sinatra, a little 90's alternative) and slow, smooth songs (Thirteen) and upbeat, silly (I Told You I Was Freaky). I drove around listening to it for an hour today. I went to Jennifer's and then down 183 then onto New Hope (a wrong turn) then somehow I ended up on Ronald Reagan and then I drove past 1431 and to Brushy Creek (my favourite way home!) but I decided to keep going until I hit Sam Bass, drove down 79 to Old Settler's and turned around, and back towards my house. Yup, a road map of my life! I'm pretty chill & happy right now. I wish I could talk to you more, but I know you're busy and that's okay. One of my worst flaws is that I get clingy... That's what ruined it with Mercutio I think. I wouldn't let him be and let him live his life. So I'm really trying hard to not be clingy. I'm just instead trying to be grateful for when we can talk. I'm figuring out more and more what real love is, and it's hard. Because it comes with all these silly selfish feelings, like that I think I should be important (more important, you know?) but in my heart, I actually don't want to play mind games. With Mercutio I did want to play mind games, I wanted him to suffer sometimes and be jealous and make him want me to stay with ultimatums. But this time, even though we're just friends, I feel so different. I don't want to play any games, and when I slip and do, I feel really bad about it. I just want you to be happy. In my heart, I'd love to spend a lot more time with you, but I want you- and know you do- to have other friends. Love is really, really hard. It's a lot of things at once, too. It's like a constant stream of realisation and sacrifice and happiness. But you know I wouldn't change anything. I don't really know how this happened, and it happened really fast, too. I know that love is incredibly crazy and doesn't make any sense. The more I realise, the more I am confused about. I think I really need to be honest with you. This hurts like all hell, having to leave and start over... Maybe I'll find something even better. It's hard to believe that, though, when I suffered for 3 years and found something good at the end. I'm pretty sure I got stuck being "The One Who Cares More." I don't mind it, not really. Every time I tell myself, "You're so silly, just stop it and move on! Don't go any further!" I remember what was said to me on my graduation day: "There is nothing more practical than falling in love." I don't know why I liked that, but I just do. So I don't stop myself. Why stop? Love isn't meant to be done halfway. And if you don't feel the same, well that's fine. I can deal with that. Sometimes I wonder if I've ever let you down. I remember that time when I think I made you feel bad (well your face looked hurt) and I just felt so terrible in that moment. Even worse than when I get upset at something in my family. It's different: I felt like a monster. I know that's harsh to myself, and it wasn't even that bad, but hurting you hurt me so much more. I don't want to ever hurt you. I don't want to be clingy. I don't want you to think I'm creepy or whatever to be in love with you. That hurts me a lot, when people think I'm creepy for something good. I know it's a weird situation, and I don't want to make you uncomfortable... I don't know what to do. It would suck if I told you this and you just thought I was weird. Sometimes I get in too deep with stuff like this (granted, I've only been through this once in my life) and I can be dramatic, but I'm trying so hard to be perfect for you. So that you can have something wonderful, and that that something can be me. And if it can't, then I'd like to know so I can stop bugging you. I don't know! A human heart shouldn't have to feel and choose and struggle this much all at once, but I guess that's love. I know it's going to hurt worse. It's going to get worse and better, and I'm so excited to see this. I'm excited to see you grow up (if I get the chance to, if you'd let me) and mature and fall in love with someone and become famous and be happy and be sad and experience life. I'm excited to be a part of your life; I'm glad I've met you now. You may not think much of yourself, but you are so wonderful and special. There's no one like you; no one to replace you. Life is yours, forever and now, and I can't wait to see what you do with it. I'm always here if you want me, if you need support. I can stay; I can go. It's not because I'm indifferent, but rather because I love you enough to let you have what's best for you. Yeah, listen to me. I am in way too deep. There's no getting out. UGH. Would I even want to? It's so different now from last time. I hope I don't go back into my "old ways." It'd hurt you... I warned you. How can I not hurt you? I don't want you to get attached to me if that hurts you. You're my first for a lot of these things, honestly, and I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry that I chose to love you. But that's something I can't help. That's the one choice I don't have. I mean, I think love is half choice, half not-choice. When I went away for 2 weeks, I thought that when I came back and saw you that I'd be over you. But it was even worse... The feeling hadn't gone away; it was stronger. I wondered: how did that happen? It gets stronger every day. I will tell you all of this one day, I know I will. I'm not afraid to tell you. Isn't that weird? I'm not afraid. I think I'll be nervous that you'll think I'm creepy, but that's it. It's like getting a Band Aid ripped off. It'll be okay. Everything's gonna be okay, like you said. I will always remember that moment, always always outside your house at 11:30 with the stars and the sky and your arms around me and your hand in my hair and I'm just sobbing into your shoulder and you tell me "Everything's gonna be okay...Everything's gonna be okay..." I never believed anything more than that. Holy shit. Sholy hit. I miss ya. I hope you never read or find this. I'm pretty much an idiot for putting this shit on the Internet and hoping no one finds it, but I've dealt with worse. If you do find it, it's not like I've been posting embarrassing things about you or whatever. Sometimes I like to be out of my fucking comfort zone, man! This is just like when I left St. Mike's: I had an amazing year and made best friends, it was so much better than I thought it would have been. I think I sort-of shut myself up after that. Nah I can't do that now! I chose to go away to Indiana... My mom offered for me to stay here and stay close, but I told her, "No I have to go. If I don't, I'll always wonder if I was just being scared. I'm tired of being scared to do things." So I'm off to not be scared! Isn't that funny though... I said that before I knew you. Anyways, I should probably take a shower and take care of myself. It seems sometimes I injure myself over you... That's not positive.
That's what I called the mix CD I made today. It's really a great CD! It's got a nice blend of classics (Frank Sinatra, a little 90's alternative) and slow, smooth songs (Thirteen) and upbeat, silly (I Told You I Was Freaky). I drove around listening to it for an hour today. I went to Jennifer's and then down 183 then onto New Hope (a wrong turn) then somehow I ended up on Ronald Reagan and then I drove past 1431 and to Brushy Creek (my favourite way home!) but I decided to keep going until I hit Sam Bass, drove down 79 to Old Settler's and turned around, and back towards my house. Yup, a road map of my life! I'm pretty chill & happy right now. I wish I could talk to you more, but I know you're busy and that's okay. One of my worst flaws is that I get clingy... That's what ruined it with Mercutio I think. I wouldn't let him be and let him live his life. So I'm really trying hard to not be clingy. I'm just instead trying to be grateful for when we can talk. I'm figuring out more and more what real love is, and it's hard. Because it comes with all these silly selfish feelings, like that I think I should be important (more important, you know?) but in my heart, I actually don't want to play mind games. With Mercutio I did want to play mind games, I wanted him to suffer sometimes and be jealous and make him want me to stay with ultimatums. But this time, even though we're just friends, I feel so different. I don't want to play any games, and when I slip and do, I feel really bad about it. I just want you to be happy. In my heart, I'd love to spend a lot more time with you, but I want you- and know you do- to have other friends. Love is really, really hard. It's a lot of things at once, too. It's like a constant stream of realisation and sacrifice and happiness. But you know I wouldn't change anything. I don't really know how this happened, and it happened really fast, too. I know that love is incredibly crazy and doesn't make any sense. The more I realise, the more I am confused about. I think I really need to be honest with you. This hurts like all hell, having to leave and start over... Maybe I'll find something even better. It's hard to believe that, though, when I suffered for 3 years and found something good at the end. I'm pretty sure I got stuck being "The One Who Cares More." I don't mind it, not really. Every time I tell myself, "You're so silly, just stop it and move on! Don't go any further!" I remember what was said to me on my graduation day: "There is nothing more practical than falling in love." I don't know why I liked that, but I just do. So I don't stop myself. Why stop? Love isn't meant to be done halfway. And if you don't feel the same, well that's fine. I can deal with that. Sometimes I wonder if I've ever let you down. I remember that time when I think I made you feel bad (well your face looked hurt) and I just felt so terrible in that moment. Even worse than when I get upset at something in my family. It's different: I felt like a monster. I know that's harsh to myself, and it wasn't even that bad, but hurting you hurt me so much more. I don't want to ever hurt you. I don't want to be clingy. I don't want you to think I'm creepy or whatever to be in love with you. That hurts me a lot, when people think I'm creepy for something good. I know it's a weird situation, and I don't want to make you uncomfortable... I don't know what to do. It would suck if I told you this and you just thought I was weird. Sometimes I get in too deep with stuff like this (granted, I've only been through this once in my life) and I can be dramatic, but I'm trying so hard to be perfect for you. So that you can have something wonderful, and that that something can be me. And if it can't, then I'd like to know so I can stop bugging you. I don't know! A human heart shouldn't have to feel and choose and struggle this much all at once, but I guess that's love. I know it's going to hurt worse. It's going to get worse and better, and I'm so excited to see this. I'm excited to see you grow up (if I get the chance to, if you'd let me) and mature and fall in love with someone and become famous and be happy and be sad and experience life. I'm excited to be a part of your life; I'm glad I've met you now. You may not think much of yourself, but you are so wonderful and special. There's no one like you; no one to replace you. Life is yours, forever and now, and I can't wait to see what you do with it. I'm always here if you want me, if you need support. I can stay; I can go. It's not because I'm indifferent, but rather because I love you enough to let you have what's best for you. Yeah, listen to me. I am in way too deep. There's no getting out. UGH. Would I even want to? It's so different now from last time. I hope I don't go back into my "old ways." It'd hurt you... I warned you. How can I not hurt you? I don't want you to get attached to me if that hurts you. You're my first for a lot of these things, honestly, and I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry that I chose to love you. But that's something I can't help. That's the one choice I don't have. I mean, I think love is half choice, half not-choice. When I went away for 2 weeks, I thought that when I came back and saw you that I'd be over you. But it was even worse... The feeling hadn't gone away; it was stronger. I wondered: how did that happen? It gets stronger every day. I will tell you all of this one day, I know I will. I'm not afraid to tell you. Isn't that weird? I'm not afraid. I think I'll be nervous that you'll think I'm creepy, but that's it. It's like getting a Band Aid ripped off. It'll be okay. Everything's gonna be okay, like you said. I will always remember that moment, always always outside your house at 11:30 with the stars and the sky and your arms around me and your hand in my hair and I'm just sobbing into your shoulder and you tell me "Everything's gonna be okay...Everything's gonna be okay..." I never believed anything more than that. Holy shit. Sholy hit. I miss ya. I hope you never read or find this. I'm pretty much an idiot for putting this shit on the Internet and hoping no one finds it, but I've dealt with worse. If you do find it, it's not like I've been posting embarrassing things about you or whatever. Sometimes I like to be out of my fucking comfort zone, man! This is just like when I left St. Mike's: I had an amazing year and made best friends, it was so much better than I thought it would have been. I think I sort-of shut myself up after that. Nah I can't do that now! I chose to go away to Indiana... My mom offered for me to stay here and stay close, but I told her, "No I have to go. If I don't, I'll always wonder if I was just being scared. I'm tired of being scared to do things." So I'm off to not be scared! Isn't that funny though... I said that before I knew you. Anyways, I should probably take a shower and take care of myself. It seems sometimes I injure myself over you... That's not positive.
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