every little pat on the shoulder for attention fails to mention i still hate you.

hm. i should write down some of my stuff here. yeah. okay. uhh.
i'm going to go write a song today. hear that jenna, bails, and sarah? i'm going to!
yeah. don't really know what to say.
except that:
it's a weird kind of pain i'm feeling now.
it's like a dull sense in the pit of my stomach.
it feels a lot like butterflies... funny that it's the opposite.
it happens when i think of something in the past.
something that hurts to remember.
something that makes me feel like a fool.
like your pity.
pity... i hate it.
did you really think leading me on, making me think things were okay, that it would make me happy?
maybe at the time, since i had no clue.
but now, once i find out.
now is when pity turns to shame turns to hurt.
thank you.
for making me look like a blind idiot.
making yourself seem like a kind person for bestowing pity on me and not wanting to "hurt my feelings."
it really worked, especially now.
but so many times i've told myself to change.
"stop being so jealous!"
"stop being so needy!"
"stop being so demanding!"
all that.
and you know what?
i'm working on it.
day by day.
theres so much i want to ask...
so much i want to know and to be sure of.
but i'm not going to ask those questions. never again.
because that brings me back to the pity thing.
i ask them and all i get is pity and lies.
sometimes i want to be told the cold hard truth, you know.
so yeah.
enough with the questions.
they'll remain in my head and on paper.
nowhere else.
it's sad that you're such a blind fool.
i almost feel sorry for you... almost.

i don't even know anymore

what the hell did i do wrong?

how can a person try so hard and still get no where?

i wish this would all go away

just

i dont know.

why can't i just be me again?

i remember a time when i was so happy

and so carefree and people would come to me for advice

and i would just want to love

nothing more than to love

i need to fix this now

it's gotten so out of control

so so out of control...

lately the crying has been so bad. :\

i cant take it anymore...

it's like.. pain stronger than i've ever felt...

the way i'm acting, i'm going to lose everyone.

i know it.

if i mistreat everyone, they will leave me.

itsj ust like i was told:

if i expect everyone to always be there for me

to always try to cheer me up

then no one is going to want to

everyone will just leave eventually....

but i feel pretty damn alone already.

alone in my thoughts

alone in this pain...

you know?

there used to be a time

i could trust you would never leave me

never just let me fall flat on my face like that

yeah... i don't think that way anymore.

i'm aware of my faults, so why can't i fix them?

why can't i just fucking fix them...

why do i always think about it...

then nothing happens??

what am i doing??

well i cant control that at this very moment.

i guess i can start over, right?

i can always start over.

who says i can't?

the same people who say it'll be so hard for me to.

but i don't care.

i don't want to live my whole life just "accepting" that i'm this or that.

if i don't like it, i will change it.

starting where?

how?

when will i see an oppurtunty to?

i just hope it's not too late...

i just hope i haven't done enough damage.



you know.. my mind's just been so jumbled lately.

i'm like:

well maybe this isn't all my fault. why am i blaming myself for everything?

then i'm like:

of course i'd say that. i don't want it to be my fault, naturally. bianca, stop being a victim and start doing something.

so i dont know what to think...

which voice is right...?

am i a victim?

i don't feel like one... not really.

yeah sometimes i feel wrongly blamed..

but mostly i put the blame on myself.

that's probably not so good either.

but if there's no one to blame,

where does the blame go?

honestly...

sometimes i wonder where stuff you can't see goes.

like time.

time goes on, time goes fast.

but goes... where?

behind us? beside us? imprinted in our minds?

where do emotions go?

do they remain in our heart?

or do the leave us entirely?

what am i saying..

this isn't the point!!



but wow.

if i can't make you happy, who can i make happy?

you know, that's all i really ever wanted.

was to make someone happy.

to make their life change in good ways.

to be there for them always, no amtter what.

am i doing a good job of that?

because sometimes you don't seem so happy with me.

how you could be happy with me baffles me.

so i don't know.

i'm not happy with myself... haha.

i'm not happy at all right now.

right now i feel like i'm choking

i just want to lie in bed

listen to music

sit there

fall asleep

and wake up and everything is better

everything is the same:

you love me, i love you.

you won't leave me

i'm good to you.

i'm not good to you now.

it's like i'm not happy until someone is sad.

wow. that's not love.

thats selfish.

i'm selfish.

you hear that?

i'm a selfish bitch.

who isn't capable of loving anyone.

wow... i sure hope i'm just lying to myself.

but i'm not so sure.

love and happiness.

the most difficult emotions for me to actually feel.

//written 30May2009.//

"west is all i know," say my sun

written jan. 7, 2007

stay away, stay out.
i'll keep you under the glow of pity.
not as bright as pride,
but i'll take what i can get.
do you really want to help?
the way you say you do?
save my life by not letting me love you.
hope gets you no where,
faith leaves you blinded,
and love is the worst gift that you've taken away from me.
remember this:
"this means nothing.
these words are lifeless."
let them fall unto your tongue, and they are acid.
you're the only one who can hurt me like this.
don't say sorry, it comes out wrong.
don't say you love me, because i actually believe your lies.

[second to] last breath

written 2007/2008...

every song ends
every ending needs a song.
so i'm going to need one soon.
these words mean nothing
until you match the notes
to the one i left outside your door.
read it and weep, i'm not coming back.
you're singing the wrong lines
i'm crying the wrong tears
making fools of ourselves
and promises meant to be broken.
who needs ruled when we have...
all we need is...
all we have is...
standing on the balcony
i hear it all below
where i'm going, you'll be there
but you're not. you're in the threshold.
i'll dedicate this to you: my second to last breath.
i already have plans for the last.
to the song in your heart,
good riddance, goodbye...
good times i've had, listening to your lies.
my ears are already full
i can't see what it is
it sounds like...
it must be...
but it's not you, it's me.
and has been all along.
it's too late now
i'm past the second
time for the last
here's to the song in your heart,
"sing a new song of death."

my second to last breath.

The Morning After the Suicide

what is that in my hand?
what are these new thoughts in my head?
i don't remember...
oh... the way you said i love you.
i can't remember anything at all.

and i needed a break but what i got was...
and i wanted a heart, but what i got was yours to begin with.

wake up, look inside.
but i cannot find you there anymore.
wake up, look around.
it's just empty sounds, every word you said that remains in my head.
wake up to the morning after.

Unnamed 3

left to somewhere unknown
lights like a fire burn and die.
walked in a cold glass world,
the water is my breath, how drowning.

what do you do when they've forgotten?
how can you speak in this dark?
what do you say when they walk away?

the words are on my eyes, the life in my lungs.
i need you in my veins, i need you back.
we miss you... we love you.

grey like ice, everything's dissolved.
red salt, blue bird.. sing for me.
colours are vivid and thoughts run free.
just... please.

what it is to Breathe

see who exsists in the night.
the ones who have no one to go home to.
they fill your heart with a strange ache.
as a thought, "saturday, in the wake of,"...

it's these that make you think.
remember times when you were on the edge?
the tears and heros on my broken summer,
thoughts that dared to go through my head.