White Snow Red

I was following the pack, all swallowed in their coats.


White Winter Hymnal. Yep. Soundtrack of my past week.

I really think I am becoming one of those people. You know, those people. Those annoying people who want everything they can't have. I really think I'm like that. If there's something, or someone, I can't have, I want it. It's an awful disease, because you usually end up with nothing. The thing about me, though, is I realize I'm doing something wrong, but I don't stop it. Because it makes me so happy for a moment to believe these wonderful, impossible dreams. It only takes a year or two for disappointment to set in. But that time, it is so sweet and glorious... Believing these dreams. If only, right? Oh well. Sometimes life just plain old hurts... Like seriously hurts. Luckily, God made music, love, and friendship to help that.

I went to my first-ever funeral today. It was for a girl who was my age, who died of cancer. I went up to see her in her casket, and I never felt older. It was the first dead person I've ever seen, and she looked beautiful and alive. She looked prettier than anyone there. And that's a good thing.

The funny thing about dead stuff is that I always think it will come back. When Roxie got put down about a year ago, I held her as she died. I could literally feel the heartbeat leave her little cancerous body. As it slowed, I thought maybe some crazy miracle would bring it back to speed, normal, healthy, like nothing ever happened. When she did die, I thought she would jump back to life. I thought she was sleeping. Putting her in a garbage bag felt so wrong to me, because I thought she would wake up and be scared. It's all just wishful thinking, really. I'm just not good at dealing with permanence.

I still can't believe that Theresa is dead. I remember hearing she had cancer, then that she was close to death, then that she died. I found out that she died on my birthday. I still can't believe it. Even after a whole funeral mass, I still can't believe it.