There are some incorruptible thoughts I have. They are those thoughts that to say them aloud would taint them. They're like apples, and once you bite them, they oxidize into something unsightly. Something somebody would have once wanted, but no longer cares for. I have made the mistake of saying some of these thoughts out loud, and now they lay stained with rain and wind at the dreamspace of my mind, begging at a gate, to come back in. But they are no longer virgin.
Air does something to thoughts; so do vocal cords and bumbling efforts to make sense in a world where making sense is absolutely necessary where love is not involved.
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Did you dream of a better life for yourself, love? When you were a child, and time did not exist, and you did not know that you existed yet or that the future was a true thing... Did you? Did you see yourself as a giant, towering as teenagers do, with a mop of hair and smooth shoulders and broad teeth? With fingers and hands that fixed, healed, helped, anything but hurt... Did you see a woman with red lips and blue eyes? Or with bronze skin and a warmth of perpetual summer? Did you see 3 piece suits, shiny objects, leaves in the fall?
I saw these, too.
But I wonder what happens to dreams. Because now, 12 years later, I am 17 and I have seen dirty and seen lies and seen inexplicable hate and turning away for no reason. I've frozen people out; I've lied to my parents; I've made myself a dirty wretch; I've disappointed nearly everyone I love; I've laid my hands on a dying animal; I've ruined. I've ruined people and myself. I've ruined parts of you; parts I do not know and never did and now; never will. I've drunk wine alone; I hold everything like a cigarette.
I did not see this 12 years ago, but this takes up more of my life than those far-away dreams do.
Why are we born innocent? It is wrong.
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