Chicago to NYC

I want to go to the city again and sit on a park bench with a mitten-clad hand and read Kate Chopin's The Awakening. I want to go to New York City with someone I love. I want to laugh. I want so much and it never seems to happen. Because I never act. But I will. Act now. Now! Maybe I'll have to break a few rules to do it, but I will. I'll break them all. I just need to find me again! I will. I just need people <3 And a city. AND TO BE ALONE. Unleashed? I want to write until my fingers bleed. Maybe it's Sufjan. Maybe it's love. Maybe it's that I am nostalgic for 2 years ago. Maybe.

New York, New York, maybe I'll give you another chance.

Do you ever get moments where you just feel like not a human, but something better, something more natural and real and touchable? I know I'm not the prettiest or the funniest or the smartest or the most sociable girl in the world, but sometimes I just feel right. Sometimes the window is right and the moon and stars and night. I just wish more was happening. Although--

I asked for that last year. Look what I got. I wish for that 3 years ago. Look what I got. But maybe the pain is good. I just need a new thing to pain over, heh. Heh. Heh. That's the way the mushrooms roll I guess.

I saw Shawshank Redemption and was like "Damn why can't I be that intelligent and boss?" Maybe the problem is that I keep asking for it. You know? If I stop trying so hard, looking so hard, maybe all will fall into place. Just sit back and enjoy what I have. Simple, yet so difficult. I will get there. Don't be so shy don't be so holding back just be free. That's what I tell myself. There's so much I want to write, but I'll find those words in poetry. Happy fourth :) I wish everyone well. I want to help a hurt cat. Or help someone carry groceries. Or kiss someone on the cheek who I am not in love with. I want to be that awkwardly affectionate person who kisses people on the cheek as a friendly gesture and nothing more. ANYWAY. Shawshank Redemption was about hope. And I'm one of those silly girls who has SO much hope for everything: the perfect life, house, children, husband, everything... I know it's foolish and will turn into hurt and pain... but still. It's all that keeps me looking toward the future and away from the past.