I Should Have Held An Afterparty

(For all the thoughts I didn't say).

And thus is the consummation.

Goodmorning! So it's like a drug, the writing is. I don't know what an adjective clause is, I know I want to study literature this summer, and I know I don't want to work in anything with language because I'll go insane with "Why's?", but for now the writing is rare and keeps me insane. And I like my eggs scrambled.

I just gorged down too much food. I thought "TO HELL WITH IT. If I'm going to be fat, I'd rather be less fat because I'm young." I don't get it at all.

You see, though. When I look in the mirror, I don't see what people tell me. I see potential for ugliness and potential for picayune prettiness; I see all the components that could make me both ugly and pretty, but I can't separate a goose from a gander. It's all melded together and I can't tell. I really can't. But it doesn't bother me, all the sordid mortal things (WOW I SOUND NERD AND BITTER). It won't matter when I'm old and rich or poor and have a job. No one will care. But right now, it's all people care about. It's all they look at. That's all. We are too young to have internal organs or anything. Underdeveloped, we can't spell or think, we can smile perfectly fine but it won't work if you have ugly teeth. So you better not have ugly teeth, or you won't be good for ANYTHING!

And now I'm starting to think that I should stop writing for the night. It's 10:38, and it 20 years this same moment it will be 3:38 and the year after that will frequent the 4:00's and 5:00's and so on. I will become nocturnal. I can't wait! I'm tired of living this way. Like I'm young when I am. You see, it's so sad to see the 9-year-olds out in the street on their bikes. It makes me so sad. Because when I was 9-years-old, I was kept inside and wouldn't dream of asking for a moment of fresh air... by myself. That phrase had no place in my life then. It still barely does. I cannot even cross the street at night to ask my neighbor for eggs without being watched, and I am 15-years-old! It makes me so sad that I don't know what it's like to be outside and to be alone. Maybe that's why I like being alone. Because I'm sick and tired of NOT being alone, of being with EVERYONE and EVERYTIME and never being... alone. Outside. Just me and the sun. NO, not me, the sun, and the whole damned neighborhood breathing down my back like prisonguards. Just me. The Sun. The Moon. Goodnight.