Oh Well, Okay

Pretty much the opposite of how I feel. I'll miss you, but while I'm gone I'll think of our house. Let's always always go back there, love. I'll try to do what you do and not think about it, because it makes me sad (the being away, not the you being here). It's just nice to know there will be a day in the future when we see each other again. I look forward to that, and let's just build our own lives. If they match up one day, that's just fine. If they don't, it doesn't mean we can't be friends. Stay safe and healthy and lovely and happy while I'm away.

Thanks to be Given

Happy happy thanksgiving! What am I thankful for? In no particular order other than the one in which they came to my brain:
1) Notre Dame. For everything working out well... Things could have gone so wrong. Knowing me, yeah. But maybe someone (including myself) was looking out for me, guiding me to be successful. I'm proud of myself. I mean, look at me! I'm a pretty cool chick. Gotta admit it. ;-)
2) My parents. Although they usually annoy me to no end, I am glad they support me and love me. They're my foundation that I don't really notice or thank enough.
3) Robin. I love Huckleberry! She is my newest best friend and I'm glad to have her in my life. I'm so happy to see her every day, even when she annoys me or something.
4) Jenna. Although we don't really talk, I'm grateful for what she's taught me.
5) My whole life. It's been a great lesson so far.
6) The unexplained happiness of 7 months time. Who knows? I'll go with it.
7) My ability to reason. I love my reason and my little bit of wisdom. I cherish it. I love it more than any knowledge I could spew out, because knowledge only gets you so far. Wisdom gets you around and out.
8) Zach. I don't know why, but I love him still. I just can't shake him. I don't think I want to. I just enjoy whatever it is that is happening, although sometimes it hurts and sometimes it doesn't.
9) The conversation we had tonight.
10) Jeannette. She makes me laugh when I don't think I can. Even though she can be mean and cuss and stuff, she's really just a sweet girl.
11) Celeste and Gracie, who challenge me.
12) Monica, for making me smile with her sense of humour similar to mine and for teaching me new things.
13) Connor, for being patient and nice and a good explorer.
14) Lauren, for her absolute wonderfulness and sweetness to the world. I am thankful, too, that she is doing better and has found a nice boy, Alex.
15) Music. Forever.
16) My health. Gotta put it on here! I can't just take it for granted. I mean, seriously. I complain and bitch about shit, but I have it so easy. I realise this and I'm not ashamed. Why be ashamed? Be grateful!
17) My pets. They're cute.
18) Feeling at home somewhere.
19) Food. Food. Food. Yum.
20) I'm looking forward to Saturday. The Beatles in film. Creepy barn. Longboarding. Elliott Smith on Vinyl. What sounds better? And with an awesome friend. Oh yeah, that sounds better.
21) Gotta admit... Spotify and Netflix. *Hipster embarrassment*
22) I love my classes (expect Theology)!

There's a lot more, but they're little things like *literature* and *Elliott Smith*... They matter, but my hand hurts. Love more.

No Coffee, No Crying, No Whiskey, No Wine

Nothing else will do.

Yeah, so I figured out I don't really want to be *that* girl. You know... Gil Da Ran in Big. That poor girl that everyone feels sorry for because her man is playing her behind her back with some slut doctor, and he hasn't even told her he loves her, or even hung out with her that much, but she is just so god damn devoted to him because she thinks the world of him and is hoping one day he will, too. Oh, Gil Da Ran... Why?

I just need to know if I'm wasting my time. Am I? I can wait, you know. I'm patient with these things. I can wait for ages, but I need to know if we're on the same page. Because I know other men will love me. I'm not being egotistic... But that's just life. I have 4 more years to meet men, men, men. Hot men, sweet men, smart men, men who will tell me that they love men. Men who will bring me flowers. And I know I sound like some cheesey chick flick, like some gross girl's day dream. I know that. I am overemphasizing here. I just don't want to be the Korean drama girl. God, no. Those are the ones me and Monica say, "Ohhh poor baby!" to. But in the fact of my mind, I know, "Good Lord, you are so loyal and truthful and STUPID. Can't you see? Be with that goofy, younger, less-attractive boy who is going to treat you well!"

Gah.

I'm sick (not really/but I should be) of always talking like this. I have a brain. I have a future. I need to god damn figure out what I like to do, get a degree, and fuck society in how crazyhappysuccesfulunconventional I shall be. I guess it's just one of those days when the world has flown into my little head and pecked out some brains. I guess I'm just speculating too much. But I need the truth. I *can* handle the truth. I can handle nothing *but* the truth. Feed me lies and I will find out and I will be so hurt. I hate being fragile, but I think I am. My friend has called me strong, but I just don't think so. Not inherently. I can appear so, but in the end of it all, I'm just a plain old girl who thinks too much, like everyone else. There was a time when I didn't want to be happy. I thought I didn't deserve happiness. What I didn't know then was that I was happy. Happy and sad go right hand in hand. Because you can either be happysad or you can be nothing. You can feel, live or can be nothing. Do nothing. Live nothing. I tried living nothing, being "content". It is like being a Zahmbie. But then I discovered that to be happy, you have to be willing to get hurt. A lot. Constantly. For months! But you will still be happy. Like tonic prolongation: you may need to throw in a dominant fifth; but toss in that little two and there's no going back. Right now I may be in a diminished seventh mode. I am feeling blue; I have since last Friday at Zahm. And that's okay. But there are rules to being blue:
1) Don't hurt anyone. Don't insult anyone to make yourself "feel better."
2) Don't be a downer. Just have fun, or try to.
3) Talk to people about it. If you want. But not obsessively.
4) Do whatever you can to solve the blueness. Don't just expect it to go away.
5) If #4 fails, then just wait it out. But again, don't just expect it to go away. It takes time.
6) Do things you like and don't give a shit.
7) Be the best person you can be.
8) Make lists. They help for some reason.
9) Continue the list even when there's no reason to, just because there's a sureness in numbers.
10) Eventually end the list though, or else you'll go madder.

It's all okay. My eyes feel a little teary and I don't know why?

Tonight, though. Tonight, tonight. Tonight I am studying. I'm not going to be like other girls and say, "Oh I am sad, I'm gonna go find a boy!" No, no honey. Hey, guess what? That makes it worse. If a boy is the problem, why involve another? Then you have two problems! Yikes! Time to go.

Something About Me

I think my biggest flaw is my loyalty. It's a flaw to me. I meet someone and I'm loyal to them forever. The only way I can stop is if they treat me awfully, drive me away, give me 12,653 reasons to leave. And even then, I press on and tell myself they'll come back. That's how it was with you, Joe. It's an awful flaw... But I guess it's just "one of my things." I am also very, very jealous. I am very crazy, too. I am weird, I am crazy, sometimes I get blue. But I hope you still mean the things you said to me, because I still mean my half. I miss that time when I was a part of your life. Now I'm so far away, and we can still talk, but I miss doing things together, living days together, spending time together. It's not the same--who can we kid? It will never be the same as it was this summer. I mean, in a way it was oddly similar when I went back. I felt the same way about and around you. I still do now. But we can't ever go back to last summer. I wish we could sometimes. Life was so simple. I could just get in my car, drive around, and know that soon I'd be hanging out with you. It didn't matter where we went or what we did, just that we were next to each other. That's really all I want. Just to be next to you. But more than anything... I'd give it up: I'd give up you liking me, being able to hold your hand, you putting your arms around me--I'd give all that loveliness up just to get to know you better. I find you fascinating. Is that so wrong? And when I'm with you, I sometimes even find myself fascinating, too. I guess you just make me feel clean. No one can do that. And if you do find someone else, which you probably will, I will be honest in saying I will be very jealous and blue at first. But like I said, I'd give it up as long as you stayed my friend. Loving someone is so hard, but it's so lovely. Only 3 1/2 weeks until I see you again! And then after that, only 3 weeks! I am still wondering why distance hasn't made me forget you? It's a phenomena I will never fully understand. Talk to me soon because I want you to, please.

I Kept It From You

Pitseleh.

Elliott, why are you so sad? Why are all of your songs so sad? Tonight on the phone you told me about some happy things, like how sometimes you can see the right person at the right time, and it just makes everything okay. I honestly think I have two hearts: selfish and loving. In selfish, I want that person to always be me who comforts you. In loving, I just want it to be anybody, anybody at all who is right for you. You may fall for someone this year. Tomorrow you may call me and say you met someone. And honestly, it would hurt a lot for a certain amount of time. I don't like to think of that. But it could happen. And if it did, I would just want you to be happy. I want both of us to be happy, but in the final, right way. We're both meant to be with somebody, and if it's different people or if it's each other--well, that's not quite up to us. I don't know yet how these things work, but I believe there's something divine in it. How can anyone who's ever been in love deny that there's a God? I know him most because I want to be good for you, for my family, for myself. We aren't best friends. I don't think (and I hope you aren't) you kid yourself that we are. How could we be? We are far from each other, and although I can tell you anything (in that good way that doesn't happen all at once. I like this better) and you tell me a lot, and we laugh and I feel comfortable... we still are not best friends. I don't feel we are. I feel that we are friends, for sure, but it's weird to say: I feel like we're companions. Like we both are traveling together. I'm not writing that to be "romantic" or whatever. I think a lot of being a girl is wanting those silly little fantasies and tricks. But that's all just perfume and roses. I don't want that. I mean, it'd be nice and all, but there's something so much deeper than that.
I just know that you're real. You're far away. But honestly, you are the best of all the good things I've seen so far. You're one of the only people I know who just wants to be good. Even me... Sometimes I don't want to be good. It's really hard. I can tell you work hard at it, even though it's not too difficult for you. You're a rarity. That's why I'm willing to work hard now. Before, I wasn't. Everyday I feel a sense of peace, crazy, happy, sad, and difficulty. But it's okay, really, it's lovely. I trust what you say. Or at least I'm trying hard to. Trust... So hard. Jealousy... Harder. I just need to take it day... by... day... I'm proud it's been over 2 weeks since I've seen you! We're patching these days together, aren't we? Soon it'll fly by into a month, then 2 months, then I get to see you, and that's the first part. Part 1 of 16! We're pretty nifty for trying this shit. (And by shit, I mean-)

Requiem for a Dream

Can we behave as companions?

Two months. Two months. A summer. Seven years. Little steps. Everything reminds me of you. Every thought leads to you. My heart is breaking. I want to be back in that day, when we were in your room and you played me "The Season". I didn't really want to hear another song--I wanted to walk to the lake like we did that crazy day--but I said yes because I love your voice and I wanted you to be happy, and I know performing makes you so happy. So you played "The Season", and the way you looked was more gorgeous than anything I've seen. Not because of you, but because of what you became in those 5 minutes. It's something no one could ever know. Not even me. It's that part of you I will never see or know, no matter how well I know you or how well you wish for me to know you. That part that is yours, love, they can never take that away. And for a moment I was in your room with it, and I couldn't understand it at all, but I felt honoured to be there on your bed. Sometimes when you play for me I want to cry. I remember when you came over to my house for the first time and played "Thinking of You" and I remember thinking God, don't make me fall for you. Stop making me fall in love with you. I tried, you know, to not fall for you. I guess I didn't try hard enough. I wonder if I could have stopped it. When I came back, I thought I'd be over you. Then I saw you, how normal you are, how sweet you are, just how you are you... It's hard to describe. But it took about 4 seconds for me to fall for you all over again, but twice as hard. I cried to Jenna about it. I've put myself through a lot because I love you. I wonder if you love me. It doesn't really matter. Because I just love you and that's all I can ever worry about. I want you next to me right now. It's only been a week and a half, and already.

Missing You

I'd go hungry; I'd go black and blue.

The best thing for love, if love is ever, ever to survive, is maturity. I love you and there's no doubt about that. I hopelessly love you. I want every blessing to go from me to you. I want your life to shine, brilliant. That is what I want. Everything else is quite secondary. It is very hard, missing you. So hard. But, almost like Peter says to Jesus, where would I go? If I were to give you up, sure, I'd have less to focus on and my mind would be clearer. But I am investing in you. There is so much to say about you. Life is much better when you're in love. Music is clearer, words come more easily, days are easier to "get through" when they are tough. Like you said to me last week, it is enough just knowing you are out there. You are somewhere in my world, and you are in my life now. What a blessing my life is! I am so, so, so blessed. I thank God for you. Sure, it is painful to not be with you. But I would never want to forget you. Lord, no.