Oh, Sufjan. You make me want to sing out. It is unnatural how happy people I don't know make me, yet those right next to me do not please. I am a mixed-up human being.
To wait for winter's cold and the Christmas, it makes my soul rise up for goodness. I feel that something either very good or very terrible will happen soon. I woke up about a week ago at 4 in the morning, in complete darkness, with this insatiable terror that bore down on my soul like a hatchet. It filled me from every angle, the idea that some faraway future day holds a terrible fate. I don't know; I really worry a lot. I'd worry no matter where I was. Whether it be Runberg or NYC or Chicago or Bejing. I will always be a worrier. But I also think something very good is going to happen this winter. Maybe any life change is good, because we learn? I want to learn (I take it back).
I feel as though this is wrong. So different. I was happy for a night but now things have changed and I can't say that. I just want someone perfect, but I except too much, I know.
I'm already listening to Christmas music!! This year, I'm going all out. The true meaning of Christmas AND Advent. Perhaps I may fast over Advent, and pray of course. I want to buy everyone or make them a gift. I love cheer. Then maybe a party!! (I Sound So Unlike Myself In Real Life). Yes, I'll throw a blow-out party! Blow-out typically means 5 people for me. Eff my small life. But yes, and we'll actually DECORATE this year! The whole house! I must get read now!! I know it's only September. I am not unaware. O come, o come Emmanuel.
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