venting to a hollow hallway

i need to vent.
i've been holding this all in. i just want everyone to happy, i don't want them to see me cry. i don't want them to worry or ask me what's wrong. i don't want them to spend precious time and effort on the lowest of low: me.
but then again, i do.
it's weird... it's like, i strive to be a good friend and say all those things. but... i do want them. and i feel like a bitch for saying it. and i'm sick of feeling like the unluckiest person on earth, because i'm NOT. i KNOW i'm not. i try not to be demanding, i try not to seem like i'm that bad, but i cant help it. people probably already think it about me... why try? why try ANYTHING? nothing will help this. nothing has so far, at least. and i think: why me, God? is it so someone else WON'T suffer? or is just 'beacuse'?
what am i living for? honestly...
i wish you were with me now. but i know that i'll only make you upset, because i'm upset. but then again, if you DON'T get upset, i'll feel as though you don't care.
i'm playing sick mind-games with myself... and so far, people can only lose.
the truth is, love:
i want you to be here. i want to vent to you. i want you to hold me and tell me you still would love me no matter how difficult i get. i want you to stay here with me and warm my cold hands and tell me you love me when i start to shake and cry and want to die. i want you here with me, because i miss you terribly. i need you so much... and i don't show it. i feel like such a JERK! you always tell me how important i am to you. me? a self-centered, confused bitch? you really chose ME to deal with? i don't understand why ANYONE would. i want you to be happy, but i want to be happy with you. and i never tell you how much i love you. but i do... mroe than anything. just seeing you tonight made me happy. it made me ... i don't know. it's something i'll never understand: the way you make me feel and the way you feel about me. i worked so hard to just see you happy... so hard, because that's all i want. but then i turned away from you, thinking it was best... did i hurt you? i'm so sorry... i'm so confused, i'm shaking and crying and i only know one thing: i need you. more than anything.
yep, tow of the things i want most in the world: to get better, and to be with you.
and i feel like the harder i try to be a good friend, the more people get frustrated with me. am i changing and not knowing it? do YOU notice? does it hurt you? i'm sick of this. i wish i was normal and healthy. i wish i knew how to make it better. i wish i knew how to be a good friend. i wish i knew a lot of stuff. but i don't, and i'll have to live with it.
goodnight, my love.
happy birthday, from the girl who loves you more than anything in this whole world, and would give anything to see you smile right now. i hope you're having fun.