Dreamt Last Night

I had a horrible, beautiful dream last night that I know will never come true. You were hiding in a tunnel and I found you; it was a happy moment, and you kissed me. That's when I knew it was dream and not real. Then I woke up and heard my parents arguing. You know, with all the stuff my family has been through for 10 years, I thought it'd be something serious. My brother was in jail. Or dead. Or my grandma was dead. Or something, you know? I'm the kind of person that jumps to the worst conclusions. Death or incarceration. But no, when I walked downstairs and asked, they were arguing about tile cleaners, which filled me with a mix of laughter and relief and disbelief. Tile cleaners. Really.

Ah well. There's a lot to be done today. English paper, Physics test... Well admittedly, that's it. It's not much work, but it's time consuming. I really don't know what to do with myself. I just like when I had good dreams like the one last night. Mainly my dreams involve me having to stab somebody, or somebody shooting me, or something going up in flames or down with a crash. Usually my dreams just make me want someone else's brain  for a night, just to escape the nightmares. Chronic nightmares can really mess with you, ya know.

Well, there's not much else to say. Wish me patience!

Boy Short

It's sold and bought.


I have written two songs. One is about leaving someone or something you love and have grown accustomed to. The other one is about a girl I went to school with freshman year, who is now dying. Why not me? I am a bad person. Even for saying.
I want to take all of the ugliness in the world: the cancerous cells, the crying faces, the worried women: and fill it with music.
But here's what I want to do. I want to find someone, pull them into the warm summer night, and drive endless miles until morning; just in silence.

You Make It Beautiful, Friend

You make it worth it to the end.

Today, April 2, 2012, is a momentous day. It truly is. It was a lovely day, driving through the rougher parts of my lovely state and seeing the wildflowers grow in the streets and yards of strangers. Not going to school until 11 AM. I wish I could do this everyday. If I could, I would spend everyday driving around the country, playing tennis, reading Hemingway, gardening, and conversing with my dearest friends.

I had such fun today. I don't like days where some grand, false event happens, like a school dance or a first date... The kind of days where you know you are supposed to be happy. I don't like supposing to be happy, and I don't like events that plan for a good time or a smile. Because these joys just come in life, if you have everything sorted out right and true; you don't really need school dances or first dates to be happy. Just a jig in the rain and a kiss on the palm will do.

There was a small moment today, where I smiled and the person I was smiling at had this look of confusion. Sometimes I think I smile too big, greet too happily. Look like I'm in love. I'm really not. I have a lot of good things in my heart, but also a lot of evil. The human heart is truly the harbouring home for God and the devil; the pulpit at which both preach; the stand at which both debate a side. Lord knows I've seen a lot, but there's a lot more to see.

So now I'm all alone, finishing off a day exactly how it's meant to be finished: reading French literature, listening to Sufjan Stevens, and sipping ice water. That's love and that's happiness for me now; it's enough to hold me over into adulthood.

Almost Summer

It's almost summer and almost college and almost something new. I'm not used to this, when I've seen the same 33 faces for some time. It's going to be very strange.

I don't know if I'm the only one here, but if anybody reads this, I'd appreciate an answer:

I'm a relatively hardworking person. I get all A's. I take piano lessons and do well. I am in clubs and sometimes in sports. But I just don't see myself ever having a career. When people talk about their "careers", they talk about it as if it's something wonderful, that truly brings joy to my life. The only benefit I see to a career is earning money. Am I alone here, or do other people agree: careers do not seem all that fantastic? If I had my way with life (which, Lord knows, I never will) I'd spend my life traveling, helping, doing farm work, and reading. That's it. Really.

Am I just weird?

Anyways. My dream is to become a graceful ballerina. And contemporary dancer. Wouldn't take be amazing? I don't even dance, you know, and when I do I look very robotic; but I dream of a day when I can look nice while dancing. I am too embarrassed sometimes, even at school dances where it is dark and nobody cares. Normally I don't care what people think about me, but I care what I think about myself. Yeah, it'd be really nice to dance. I hope if I ever have a little girl, she will beg me to enroll her in ballet school at age 4, because I would. I'd enroll her in the best damn ballet school in the world.

You Are The Rock

You are the one when I watch myself.

I learned how to play "Happy Birthday" by Sufjan Stevens on guitar and banjo today. That means today was good.

I don't know what much else to say.

You're the Only Good Thing

A Sun Came.

I'm reading about Belgians in the Congo.

The Loneliest Chime in the House

All I had hoped for, I kept inside your car.

I am happy. It is not elation, really, which is really just false happiness. I guess I am at peace with life for once. Today was a good day.

I don't know if you still read this, Joe, because that'd be weird. But today was fun. Then after that, I went to Jenna's house and sealed the tile thing. Then Kyle and Jenna and me went to the pool... Too cold. These 2 girls were leaving when we were getting there and they warned us it was too cold. Kyle jumped in. Jenna and I wouldn't. Then we walked to Taco Bell and saw the girls there and started talking. They were pretty nice. Kyle ate $10 worth of Taco Bell (which is a lot) and we all walked back to Jenna's house in the dark, looking at the stars and talking about religion. Very interesting. I've noticed something about Catholicism, but maybe it's just about life: I seem to have many interesting talks about faith with my friends, and it is very normal. It is also normal to not do certain things. It's hard to explain without sounding trite... But I think this may sum it up:

The most I've had this year was making a lame Christmas puzzle with Kyle and Jenna at 10 PM. I laughed so much. And I don't know why. I guess I just don't want to miss these things, and I'm happy with them. It's not some cheap happiness, but a happiness that is so small right now and I know will grow larger with time. That is the thing that sustains it: hope. Without hope, happiness is hard to find. I'm realizing there's people I truly love. I mean, honestly. I'm done taking advantage of those who love me enough to put up with me. There is a God, and he has blessed me. Of that I am sure.

I at least deserve the respect of a kiss goodbye.

Oh, Sufjan! Your music is just pure joy. I love it.

There is something else, but I can't tell what it is, really. Check #3 off of the previous list! WOO! And I guess #1 (but I mean that's more of something that will occur in May, and I can't rush it)... #4 I'm trying harder to be a better friend. I can't tell if I am. I think so. And #2 is the hardest for me. Definitely. Because she goes to my school, so I will see her later! And it will be awkward. I also want to add a #5: Hang out with Lauren. She's very cool and I LOVE people that like my kind of music. Honestly, just wonderful. Hanging out with Zack will be fun too, because he is just a nice, polite guy... You know, the kind that are hard to come by. People like that give me a sense of peace, that one day I will meet someone nice and polite and good... I think that is the most attractive quality... Well:

1) Pure goodness. This is when a guy is just good. Not sweet, not sensitive, but just good-hearted and kind. The kind of person that makes this Earth better.

2) Musical ability. Especially piano. Minus electric guitar.

3) Respectfulness. If it's not in the relationship, well shit, what is?

4) Humour. Tactful humour, not apes in tutus. Although...

5) Green eyes. Honestly. They kill me. Just like Holden Cauffield would say: They kill me.

I'm also thinking of movies I love. Honestly, most of the time I hate movies. They're awful and predictable and you can tell what emotion is trying to be evoked simply by the movie. But some movies... the story is so powerful that the music is secondary. (Another list.)

1) The Shawshank Redemption.

2) The Good Girl. Yes yes yes. Lovely. I love how tragic it is.

3 ) The Green Mile. When Dale died, I honestly wanted to just strangle Percy; because I know people like that exist.

4) Breakfast at Tiffany's.

5) The Breakfast Club. Just for the tough dude.

I also love Mrs. Otten. She is just so beautiful. I don't know what it is about her, but I want to be just like her. She is so nice and kind and pure-hearted. People like that are hard to come by. People are either rude, annoying, evil, stupid, high-and-mighty, obsequious. But Mrs. Otten is just a simple kind joy. Her laughs are genuine and her quirks are true. Mine are as fake as fakeboy. I want to be a pure, kind-hearted goodness! So badly. I do not want to be beautiful, really. I mean, I like clean hair and all... but to be beautiful? A waste, truly. To be funny? Eh. It gets old. But to be kind and pure and genuine... To make the world better. God, I just want that more than anything. I've been through the phases of wanting things. But that... That's really all there is here on Earth. I know it's true. It rings so true within my heart.

I fell in love again; drove to Chicago... We sold our clothes to the state; I don't mind.

I cannot wait to go to New York City with someone I love. To kiss the lamppost between 224th street and 225th! And get my three wishes. What would I wish for now? I think I'd wish for pure happiness for Joe, Susan, and Chris. That's really why I want to be a missionary. Really, that's what I want to do for a living. I'm scared of danger and death, but I think it'd be so wonderful. So, so wonderful. I can't wait to go to Italy and see Roma and Assisi and Hrvatska, too. Dobro jutro! Buona mattina! (In Italy and Croatia right now.) There is just so many wonderful things I haven't done. I am young and lively! Go me!

If anyone is reading this who is sad or anything close to sad, I want to say something:

Don't think it's the end here. So far from it. Even when you're on the deathbed, you can experience something moving. Life isn't over until it's absolutely over.

Well, that's all I know for know. I am young and I have a lot to learn, but I've learned a good bit in my time. I'm glad, and I thank God for my life everyday. I know that sounds so corny, and I almost regret saying it, but I do.